Saving Grace
by navybrat102
Summary: Set a month after the season finale, Grace comes looking for an AWOL Gibbs and McGee reflects on what he has been left with. Spoilers for 13x24. A little new to this, first fanfic!
1. Chapter 1

The picture Tony had sent now sat pinned to the board behind the desk; Tony and Tali in Paris. He knew Senior had gone with him, met up with him after a month of him being in Israel and so he had obviously taken the picture. Tony had Tali in his arms, pointing to the camera as she copied him, a smile on both of their faces, the smile that reminded them all so much of Ziva. They looked happy, or as happy as they could be. Tony was showing her all the sights he and Ziva had visited. There was pain, masked behind the glint in Tony's eyes, the smile on his face for his little girl, but amongst it was love and happiness too, he had lost Ziva but gained a daughter and he would forever have a piece of her with him. Tim broke his gaze to stare at the picture he had pinned it next to, one of all of them, Tony, Ziva, himself and Gibbs, he couldn't remember who had taken the photo but she stood between him and Gibbs, their arms wrapped around each other, Tony at McGee's other side making bunny ears behind his head, a true smile on her face. Boy did he miss her. He turned back to the letter on his desk, Tony's desk, now his desk, that had accompanied the photo.

 _Hey there McSeniorFieldAgent,_

 _Congrats on the promotion probie, I know you'll do me proud._

 _Tali learnt a new word yesterday! It seems Daddy still has a lot to learn about not cursing around the children._ (Tim chuckled to himself) _It's just typical that I spend 2 hours trying to teach her English and the only word she picks up is the profanity that comes out of my mouth 30 minutes later._

 _Weather here is wonderful, I forgot how beautiful Paris is. I tell you, if I didn't have the place back home and all of you guys I would be quite happy to stay here. But then Tali would grow up knowing three languages and it's hard enough to keep track of her to begin with. Dad is loving it, though I think he's getting a little bored, I went to the store yesterday and got back to the hotel to find him with pink burettes in his hair… needless to say he's adapted well to Grandfatherhood._

 _As much as I love it here, I do miss DC. I already have a playdate booked with Palmer and Victoria for when we get back, whenever that might be, but I think playtime with Uncle Tim is definitely going to be on the cards._

 _I miss you guys so much every day, so does Tali (she really does, I promise). I show her pictures of you guys, I'm trying to teach her to say probie but so far all we've got is probe- we will get there, at least she recognises you in the photos now._ (Tim shook his head, not hiding his grin at that)

 _Hope all is well at work and Boss isn't giving you too much of a hard time- you have big boots to fill Timmy, but don't let him get at you too much, you earned that spot on more than one occasion. How's the new guy working out? How's Bishop doing? Has Abby made another shrine to me in her lab? (I'll be disappointed if she hasn't). You can reply to the address on the back, we're going to be here another couple weeks at least or if it's easier just send an email or when you're not busy we can arrange a skype call- being in France and all I just felt like old school was more appropriate._

 _Tell everyone I said hi and I love them and we'll see you all real soon._

 _Love you brother,_

 _Tony and Tali xx_

 _p.s. I included a photo of me and Tali when we visited the Eiffel Tower on Monday, she was more interested in Grandpa and the camera!_

 _p.p.s Don't forget to feed the fish!_

Tim couldn't help but grin. He reread the letter several times before pulling open his inbox to reply. There had been a string of emails back and forth between them but they'd been a little quieter this last week. Reeves was just starting out and Gibbs was feeling the strain of training up a new guy and Tony had been doing a lot of travelling. He hadn't gone straight to Paris from Israel but had visited a couple of other cities on his way around. They'd gotten there at the beginning of the week and it was obvious both him and Tali were loving it and that it was doing Tony the world of good.

The funeral had been difficult. They had all flown over to attend, Tony had been there almost a week beforehand. It had been small and quiet, just the team, Gibbs, Fornell, Ducky, Abby, Palmer, himself, Bishop and Vance, Orli had been there and a few others from Mossad, Adam was on assignment in Berlin and hadn't been able to make it, not that Tony seemed to be too bothered. Senior had flown over with him and Tali, not wanting to leave him on his own. He had stayed strong at the funeral, held Tali's hand in his, laid a rose on the coffin, held her in his arms so she could do the same and barely shed a tear as the rabbi said a prayer and sang a hymn. It wasn't until they were back at the hotel that he had broke. Tali had been with Senior and Gibbs, Abby there too fussing over her and Tony had gone into the bathroom and not come out for twenty minutes. Tim had eventually picked the lock and walked in to find him sat on the floor, back against the bath with his head in his hands. He hadn't been crying, his eyes were red but dry, until the second he saw Tim. Tim had sat on the floor and held him while he wept. Senior, Jimmy, Abby and Bishop had taken Tali to the restaurant of the hotel to get some lunch, Senior rather reluctantly and only because his granddaughter had never been left alone with the team, while Gibbs, Fornell and Ducky stayed behind; Leon had been urgently needed back in the states and had taken off just after the funeral. Tim had sat for almost an hour before Tony finally cried himself to sleep and it took all four of them to get him to the bed. They had let him sleep, which hadn't been for long, but the second they had closed the bedroom door behind him Tim had broke down too, Ducky stroking his hair and rocking him gently as he sobbed into his chest. He had lost one of his best friends, his sister and he didn't know what to do to help Tony anymore.

They had stayed a few more days. Tony had steadily seemed to get better, usually more so when Tali was around to distract him. It was the nights after he put her to bed when he seemed to be at his most vulnerable. It had killed them all to leave him, his father included, but he said he needed time, needed to be there for a while, go back to the farmhouse, look for answers, in much the same way Ziva had. He just needed to be there with her, the thought of leaving her behind crushed him. Unbeknown to Tony, Vance had set up a memorial at NCIS, Abby had planted a tree and Gibbs had made an impressive feature piece which stood in front of it, Ziva's name carved into it and some Hebrew words that Tony had told him scribed underneath. They had all left something in the spot that reminded them of Ziva. It had been good for them all and it gave them somewhere to go and remember her, it made them feel closer to her and they hoped it would do the same for Tony and Tali.

He turned back to the picture of Tali and pulled his thoughts round to some happier ones. Tali was such a beautiful child, in more ways than one. She clearly had the stubbornness of both of her parents and could be difficult, in an adorably cute way. She had made them smile in the days after the funeral, she had kept them sane when all they wanted to do was go out of their minds, she had kept them sober when all they wanted to do was drink themselves to oblivion and forget; she kept them strong. She was possibly the strongest one of them all, though Tim was sure she didn't fully understand the circumstances. She had been pulled away from Israel, the only home she had ever known, dropped on a father who had known nothing about her, who knew nothing about raising kids and yet she seemed to take it all in her stride; she was clearly her mother's daughter. She was this shining ray of light and hope amongst a tunnel of dark and despair, in all of their cases, most especially Tony's. She was a distraction from the pain of it all, a reminder of the joy Ziva had brought them and in every which way Tim was glad of her.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts he didn't register the woman hovering in front of his desk until she spoke.

"Oh she's very pretty, what a cutie." She grinned at the photo.

Tim came out of his head, noting the damp of his eyes and the croak in his voice as he spoke.

"Um, sorry, I'm Special Agent McGee, can I help you with something?"

The woman surveyed him, almost as if she was trying to make her mind up about something, before she replied. Tim had the strangest feeling, almost like he was being x-rayed by her eyes.

"I'm looking for Agent Gibbs, is he around?"

 _Another red head looking for Gibbs, what a surprise._

"He's just down with Dr Mallard in autopsy, I'm not sure how long he'll be. I can give him a call if you like or take a message?"

"Ah, see I could call him myself but it seems there must be something wrong with his cell because it keeps going to voicemail, unless it's just me of course, but I don't mind waiting honey, that's fine."

 _Honey? Oh god please don't say this is another one of his wives._ Tim forced a smile and turned back to the desk, subconsciously shuffling papers in order to feel like he was doing something, feeling her watch his every movement. He glanced back up, warily, as she smiled at him again and leaned against his desk.

"So, she a relative?" she asked, indicating to the photo again.

Tim swallowed heavily before attempting to clear his throat, unsure of what to reply.

"You know if you like I could take you up to the conference room and send Gibbs up when he gets here?" he tried, avoiding the question. There was something about this woman that made him feel slightly squirmy.

She chuckled softly and shook her head.

"No thanks sweetie, I think I'd be waiting all day if I did that. I'll just wait and catch him when he comes back up."

Tim nodded, curious as to who the woman was and why she wanted to see Gibbs so badly. He closed the draft email to Tony and turned a case file over in his hand, knocking his letter to the floor. The woman had reached for it before he got a chance and he didn't miss the subtle look she gave it as she passed it back over. Tim blushed a little as he mumbled a thank you and immediately put the letter into Tony's drawer, his drawer. He shook his head in frustration at himself; he needed to get the idea of it being Tony's desk out of his head. He snuck a glance at his old one on the other side of the room and shifted uncomfortably when he remembered the last time he'd occupied this desk and Tony had been team leader. He dropped his look back to his computer in an effort to not get too carried away in his thoughts again and looked up when he felt a pair of eyes on him. The woman was watching him, an almost amused look on her face as he darted his eyes to the pictures at his side and then purposefully opened the case file and stared at it.

"Tim, right?" she asked, slightly squinting her eyes. Tim almost cricked his neck raising his head to her and was slightly taken aback for a second. "Gibbs has talked about you, well not just you, he's talked about all of you, not anything specific but enough to know." She shrugged. Tim looked confused, _who is this woman?_ "My name is Grace," she informed him, reading his mind. "I'm Gibbs' therapist."

 _Gibbs has a therapist?!_

"He hasn't been answered his cell for a few days and he's been a little on and off the grid for almost a month. I thought I'd catch him here since he always seems to be working."

 _Well that'd be right._

"Tim, can I ask you, and you know anything you say is completely confidential," Tim narrowed his eyes, he wasn't sure he liked the sound of where this was going. "How is he? How is he coping with everything? He's very reluctant to talk about it."

Tim stared blankly for a second. He had no desire what so ever to throw his boss under the bus with this woman. If Gibbs didn't want to talk to his therapist about any of this then that was up to him, who was he to give her ammunition. Then again, he was becomingly increasingly antsy by the day, his caffeine intake had hit a record high and his foul mood was amongst the worst it had been for years. An unhappy Gibbs made for a very unhappy and uncomfortable work environment. Grace cleared her throat loudly and Tim turned back to her, her eyes were dancing with amusement as if she knew the battle that was going on his head between desire to never speak to anyone, especially a shrink, about his boss's angst towards them and the need to get Gibbs out of the funk he was in if any of them were going to be able to continue working with him. Just yesterday he had thrown McGee out of MTAC, quite literally, for being unable to trace a suspect's call.

"Yeah, he's still acting like Gibbs, he's been fine, seems fine." He shrugged. Grace narrowed her eyes at him.

"Anybody ever tell you you're a terrible liar?" she smiled.

Tim turned his head back to the photo of the four of them, eyes going immediately to Ziva, then Tony and then Ziva again.

"A few." He sighed, looking around for any sign of Gibbs before he spoke; it seems she was going to win this battle. "Gibbs, he's, struggling. I can see it, it's hard for him. Ziva's gone, Tony's not here. Ziva was like a daughter to him. She thought the world of him, he was like a second father, maybe more of a father to her than her own father was. Tony was like a son, him not being here is hard. He carries on but it's difficult, he's difficult, he's hurting." He sighed again, his eyes moving from the picture of Tali to Ziva. "We're all hurting."

Grace watched him, seemingly lost in thought, _ah Gibbs, you're slipping here, your team is a wreck still._

"He still has you?" Grace suggested, her tone soft and kind and just right for a therapist McGee thought.

"Yeah," Tim shrugged. "It's not the same."

Grace almost smiled at Tim's turn of phrase.

"You know Gibbs said that to me too, he was lying as well."

Tim furrowed his brow as he looked back to her.

"It isn't the same. Tony and Ziva, I'm not the same."

"And what makes you think that?"

"Because, he." Tim stopped, lost in his own thoughts for a second again. _Why isn't it the same?_ "They were different to him." He eventually sighed.

"You don't think he feels for you as he did for them? That you're not as much of a son as Tony."

"I know I'm not." Tim muttered.

"I think you underestimate him Tim, and yourself."

Tim shrugged once again and returned to his brooding silence. Grace searched about for something to make more conversation out of; she was finding this conversation with Tim very interesting and incredibly eye opening.

"That's Ziva?" she pointed to the photo. Tim said nothing but nodded. "So that would make this," she pointed to the picture of Tony and Tali. "Tony, right?"

Tim nodded again.

"They make a lovely couple." She smiled softly. "Their daughter is beautiful, looks very much like her mother."

"She's the image of her." Tim breathed.

Grace watched him, this time with sympathy, as McGee's eyes passed over the photo of the four of them and settled on the one of Tali. She noted the glaze of his eyes and the pain in the breath he took.

"What's her name?"

"Tali."

"Beautiful name, I bet she has him wrapped around her little finger."

Tim almost smiled, his lip curling very slightly.

"Oh yeah."

Grace's expression softened even more as he sighed at the pictures.

"Honey, what about you? How are you feeling?" Tim turned back to her, a blank expression on his face while she studied him.

"I'm fine."

"It's got to be difficult. It's a lot to take in. You lose a friend, a sister, find out you have practically a niece you didn't know about, who your best friend didn't know he was the father to, then your best friend and brother resigns, leaves the job that he's been doing with you your whole career, the one he's done since before you were here, to take care of his little girl, takes her travelling for months. He leaves, you get forced into his role, left to deal with the things he's left behind, his job, his desk, all of that, the loss, the gain, in such a short space of time. I mean, it's a lot of change, and to top it off working for a top notch git like Gibbs, that's got to make you feel a lot of things all at once."

Tim had dropped his gaze to the desk and was staring at it. The desk, the senior field agent's desk, Tony's desk, his desk.

"I uh, yeah, I guess. I mean." He stopped, he didn't know what else to say. It had been a complete upheaval from start to finish. He was upset and hurt by Ziva's death, excited by finding out about Tali, angry at, he didn't even know who or what about, confused and upset that Tony had resigned and then left the country, excited and scared to have been given his title, nervous about the way Gibbs was reacting to him at the minute, it was just a little too much to deal with.

Gibbs chose that moment to come back into the squad room.

"Grace? What're you doing here?" He stopped at his desk.

"Well you have been a little difficult to track down at the minute pop-eye. Not answering calls, not showing up to appointments, I figured you'd be here."

"So you figured you'd try and corner me." He scoffed.

"Something like that." She smirked. "It worked didn't it?"

Gibbs shook his head, smiling a little in spite of himself.

"I got a case ok, I don't have time for head games. McGee."

Tim was still staring blankly at the desk, Grace worried for a second maybe she should have wrapped up the conversation with him before turning to Gibbs. Gibbs looked up, eyes narrowed.

"McGee? McGee!" he snapped louder. Tim turned his head slowly back up to face him.

"Boss, hey." Gibbs shot a look to Grace.

"What'd you do to him?" he sighed.

"I didn't do anything."

Gibbs shook his head, almost impatiently.

"McGee, go see Abby, she needs your help with computer stuff." He waved his hands over his shoulder in the direction of the elevator.

"Yeah, ok boss." Tim pulled himself to his feet, almost looking dazed, and stalked off towards the elevator.

"You know, that boy has a lot on his shoulders right now Gibbs, you ought to go easy."

"We have a case, I don't have time for this." Gibbs snapped, though not as harshly as usual.

"When there's a fellow agent killed, you get mandatory counselling right?"

"Yeah that's right."

"Why do I get the feeling your team is almost as difficult as you when it comes to that?" She smirked. Gibbs shrugged.

"Not up to me if they don't want it."

"Have you had mandatory sessions lately?"

"Ziva wasn't an agent."

"No, she was a former agent, and much more than that."

"There's no mandatory counselling for former agents Grace."

"Ziva was more than that. You said it yourself, you told me, she was like a sister to McGee."

"Yeah, and I asked him, Vance offered it and I told him, if he wanted counselling he needed to go."

"Your team mirrors you Gibbs, haven't you realised that yet?"

"I am fine."

"The hell you are."

"What makes you say that."

"The month of radio silence." She raised her hands. "When we were at the hospital, you said it wasn't the same."

"Because it's not."

"She was like a daughter to you."

"But she wasn't!" Gibbs raised his voice and several people around stopped in their tracks before hurrying back along. "She wasn't my daughter. She was someone else's daughter. She was Eli's daughter."

"So what she's not yours to grieve?"

"Exactly."

"You really believe that?"

"It's not the same. She's not Kelly."

"But she means almost as much. From what I hear you were like a father to her. At least that's how she felt."

Gibbs shook his head impatiently, looking at the desk.

"It's not the same."

"Gibbs, you've been to sessions, you've talked, to an extent. You're right, this isn't like Kelly but it's just as profound. It is the most significant loss you've had in years. You're trying to tell me you're fine with all this?" Grace folded her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow at him while he shrugged.

"I'm fine."

"Your team seems to think otherwise."

"What'd he say?" Gibbs growled.

"Confidential."

"Damn it Grace." He pounded a fist into his desk and deliberately set about pulling together papers from a case file.

"Gibbs," she took a step closer to his desk, a risky move to some. "You're allowed to hurt too. It is ok. You're allowed to grieve for her." She hushed.

Gibbs was frustrated. He was tired, needed coffee and he was sick of the sympathy dripping from her every word. He didn't need sympathy, he needed to work, he needed his team to do their jobs.

Tony's desk phone ringing brought him out of his own mind for a second. No, not Tony's desk, Tim's. He bit back his annoyance at himself as he turned back to her.

"I'm fine. Can you leave now? I have a job to do."

"So do I Gibbs."

She could see the frustration in his face, she could hear how irritated he was by the tone of his voice and yet she would continue to push because this was good, if he snapped it was good, because if he did then at least she'd get something real and honest out of him. He glared for a second, debating whether or not to continue the fight and she thought his expression almost softened as the phone stopped ringing before he pulled the file into his hands and swept past her.

"Gibbs." She called after him.

He ignored her and instead focused on climbing the stairs to Vance's office. He'd be damned if he was going to deal with her today.

She let him go, knowing that following him and pressing the matter would only lead to him pushing further away and the last thing she wanted was for him to stop talking to her completely. She needed something to get him to stop and focus on what he was doing to himself and, as a consequence, what he was doing to his team. There was only one thing she could think of.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow, thanks for such a good response, I really wasn't expecting it! Because I had a lot written for the first part the other chapters will most likely be shorter. I was going to change the next piece to add something more in line with how Tim is coping instead but decided to include it anyway as a brief look at how Tony is feeling about being so far away, it is quite short though and will quickly come back to Tim. Wasn't sure where this was going to go at first but I have an idea, any thoughts are welcomed! Grace will play a part in helping the whole team to come to terms with everything and Gibbs and Tim will talk… eventually.**

Tony had just put Tali down for a nap, Kelev tightly wrapped in her arms while she snored gently into the pillow. _Just like your mother_ , he grinned. His mind for a second flashed back to the first time he and Ziva had gone undercover, the way she had snored incessantly all night and then called him out for it the next day. Tali was too much like her it almost hurt. It did, for a minute, as he thought of her. He found himself doing it more and more often as Tali slept and his mind was free from childish fantasy parent land to wander into his own memories. He missed her, of course he missed her, the pain was almost too much to bear most days and had it not been for Tali he wasn't even sure he would still be here. She had given him purpose, a new meaning to his life and he would love Ziva all the more for that for as long as it took him to meet her again.

Tali missed her too, that much was obvious, in the times during the night when she had nightmares and cried out for Ziva or the sluggish moments after she woke and she would blearily repeat _Ima_ over and over again before she realised who she was actually with. His Dad had been a lifeline in everything, keeping him strong during the times Tali wasn't enough to do so, helping him out with Tali when he struggled, just generally being there for him as much as he was. He'd been amazing and had adopted the role of Grandpa more than willingly. It wasn't lost on Tony the impact Tali had had on his father's life too. She brought something out in him Tony hadn't seen since he was very young, perhaps something he had never seen at all, but whatever it was it made Tony glad. She had saved them, all of them, the rest of the team back home included and had it not been for her then he dreaded to think how any of them would still be going. He was surprised at how much he was actually missing D.C., not just the guilt over leaving Tim in the lurch but also knowing how much he was missed too. He also really wanted Tali to grow up knowing her family and having the people who loved her the most close to her but the idea of going back wasn't one he was comfortable with just yet. As much as he wanted it, he needed a little more time to get his head together before he went home to face the music.

He had, however, spoken to Abby almost every other day since the team had left Tel Aviv, not as much over the past couple of weeks what with doing a lot of moving about and the team themselves having a fairly heavy case from what he had gathered from the snippets of conversation. He spoke to Jimmy almost as frequently, often calling him up for his parental advice when he was at a loss; having a friend who had a child a very similar age made it so much easier. Ellie he spoke to as often as he could, she was after all like his little sister and he made a point to call her and get the Bishop-lowdown at least once a week. Tim he had had many a phone conversation with, usually on a night time when he knew he'd be finished work. He had sent him letters and emails but was the one out of everyone he had made a point to speak to, up until recently, every day. He should have by now received his latest letter and he was holding out hope for a video chat with later- he'd missed seeing his little face- though lately they had been less frequent due to their seemingly increasing workload and Tim's complete lack of anything remotely close to a social life; if you could call video chatting your bestfriend from 4,000 miles away on a Friday night a social life. He missed him like crazy, though he wasn't sure he would ever admit just how much. Tim was his brother, his best friend and aside from Gibbs and Abby Tim had been the closest other person to Ziva. He was her brother, her confidant, had been the one to work alongside both of them sharing her company almost 12 hours a day, sometimes seven days a week and he knew as much as he desperately missed her, Tim was grieving almost as hard. It was probably more difficult for the probie, he had to continue to work, he had taken no leave except the three days they had stayed in Israel over the funeral and Tony had inadvertently saddled him with an even more demanding position in team Gibbs. There was no time for him to stop and pause and get a grasp on everything, no time to take out and recover from the shock of it and the grief that came too. He just had to continue through it as though nothing was wrong, as though he hadn't lost one of the closest people in his life and had the very closest- discounting Delilah- up and leave him too as a result. He was fairly alone in the D.C. world and Tony did feel a pang of guilt when he thought of how difficult Tim would be having it.

Gibbs himself Tony knew would not be making things easy for Tim, having never had him as his senior field agent before and as such wouldn't be making much time for Tim to be able to get his head around his grief for Ziva as well as the loss of Tony being so far away. Tim had told him, in not so many words, how tough Gibbs was being and Tony had been able to tell from the strain in his voice, the shortness of his emails and reluctance to talk about the subject, that Tim was struggling to keep his head afloat. He had thought back to Gibbs after Kate, how anxious he had been that his boss was being nice and not the bastard he was known for. It seemed Gibbs had swung to the opposite end of the spectrum this time around, maybe to do with the different positions the two women had held in his life, and Tony knew grieving and pissed Gibbs would be no easier to deal with than grieving and nice Gibbs.

Gibbs he hadn't actually spoken to much since their departure other than a phone call a few days before he left Tel Aviv for France. He knew, mostly from conversation with Tim, that Gibbs had played some part in getting him to bed both times the night of the funeral but he wasn't sure whether he had actually spoken to him in his delirious state after he had dragged himself from the bedroom and drowned in a bottle of Scotch he had slipped from the bar. He also knew from conversation with Tim that as much as Gibbs was insistent he was fine and was coping and that his bastardness was merely him trying to break in a new team, that he was lying through his teeth. Gibbs couldn't be fine, the things that man had been through, there was no way, no one could, not even Gibbs; especially not Gibbs. He had been right when he flipped at him in the squad room that day- Ziva was a daughter to him no matter how he tried to spin it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Apologies for such a long wait for updating- had a crazy few weeks so only just got a chance to get back into it. This is just to sort of round off the first 2 chapters and then there'll be another update straight after where we get back to what Grace is up to.**

Tim could hear the music from Abby's lab almost the second the elevator reached the floor. It had been quiet for a few weeks and she just now seemed to be snapping back into her usual bubbly self. Tim had to admit, he found the silence more daunting. It hadn't helped that two days after Tony's departure he had found her crying in the middle of the room; the loss of both Ziva and Tony had hit her hard, even harder than Kate but she had been doing well to hide it until then. Per her request he hadn't spoken a word to Gibbs but had subtly passed on to Ducky that Abby might need a visit from him. Now however the music was back, loud and cheery (as loud and cheery as possible after everything) Abby was back and things seemed to finally be getting back to normal. Normal was what Tim was striving for.

He side-stepped the cardboard cut-out of Tony from his brief stint as NCIS poster boy that Abby had managed to sneak from the storage closet and purposefully kept his eyes averted from the giant picture of Tony's head he knew was leering at him from the wall by the window.

"Finally McGee, I've been waiting for aaages!"

"Sorry Abs, got side-tracked."

"Well, time to get un-side-tracked and back to business Mr Tim. Your computer expertise is required."

Abby motioned to the beat up computer tower on the desk and the half melted circuit board.

"Abs this thing is French fried." He sighed.

"Yes, I know, but Gibbs, well, he's Gibbs and I figured if anyone could give it a go you could and me, if you happen to need some help with it, but get to it Timmy, boss man awaits answers." Abby chirped, clicked her fingers and spun back to her own computer.

Tim looked dejectedly at the chunk of computer in front of him. He wasn't sure if it would be any use to try and piece the thing back together but he knew better than to entice Gibbs, especially after the debacle with Grace just moments ago. He didn't think he needed any more reason to be pissed at him than he already was. He was trying to ignore what she had said to him but the more he tried the more it made his mind spin. She was right, it had been a lot to deal with and truth be told he thought he was doing a good job of coping with everything, or at least he _had_ thought he was. Now he wasn't so sure. He didn't think he'd ever properly addressed the fact that Tony had just gone, disappeared from their lives within seconds and so soon after losing Ziva and after just discovering Tali. He had barely had a chance to get to know the child before Tony had announced he was taking her and going travelling. The postcards and emails and letters and video calls were all well and good but it wasn't the same as them being here. Honestly, he had really been excited to get to know Tali, he had seen so much of Ziva in her in the brief time he had known her and he felt a sort of comfort in her being around, almost like Ziva was still there.

He glanced up briefly to ask Abby for a screwdriver and was distracted by the image of Ziva Abby had tacked to the side of the computer screen. It was one from thanksgiving and he thought it was one he may have taken himself. Ziva was wearing a beautiful emerald green dress that really brought out her eyes and her hair was draped in waves over one shoulder. You could almost see every single one of her teeth and if memory served him correctly it was because Tony had just spilt cranberry sauce all down his trousers. It was strange, he felt, that he and Ziva seemed to everyone else to be the least connected and yet they probably were closer than he and Abby were. No one ever seemed to notice how much they cared for each other. When Tony had been assigned agent afloat and Ziva had finally returned they had spent every night at one or the others house watching movies and talking about Tony, wondering what he was up to and how bored he was and just general conversation. They had grown increasingly closer during Tony's absence, brief though it was, and though neither one said it to the other they had a deep sibling love for the other. Once Tony had returned the nightly visits had virtually ceased to exist and they went back to their three-way dynamic and he and Ziva never mentioned it, though they did plan a dinner together once every month just to check up on the other. The team were, as far as McGee knew, completely unaware of his and Ziva's relationship though there was never a question of what they would do if the other was in trouble or needed help; they cared for each other always and that's what mattered.

She had told him about her mother and her sister, talked about her parents' divorce and what Ari had been like as a child- Tim being the only one who would ever let her talk about him- Tim in turn told her about his mother and father and how strained his relationship with him was. He told her about his sister's latest escapades and when he had last been on a date. Their upbringings were more similar than they had first realised, more similar than anyone else's. Each had been close to their mother, protective of their younger sibling, each a little estranged from their fathers, fathers who were rarely around and too often away on 'business'- McGee's Admiral father working his way up through the ranks in the Navy and Ziva's paving his way towards Director of Mossad and although Ziva had experienced much more loss and much more tragedy in her life, they really weren't that different people. They both loved too hard and for the wrong reasons, both tried hard not to show their true emotions, fought against everything to be who they believed their parents thought they ought to be, both unknowingly amounting to much more. Each harboured a deep longing to appease the very parents that seemed to have little concern for their child, neither ever feeling adequate enough for what was expected of them.

Maybe that in itself was what had drawn them to each other that summer. The realisation that even between continents, people were not all that much different and though they came from very different backgrounds, their morals, their actions and their belief about themselves was all too similar. Tony could never relate to either of them in the way they could to each other. He had lost his mother at a young age, as had Ziva, and had been estranged from the father he almost feared, as had Tim, but in all respect Tony was far more like Gibbs than he was anyone else. And maybe that's why Tim could never be as worthy in Gibbs' eyes as Tony, because in Tony he had seen himself and in Tim, he saw just Tim. Nobody that could take over from him, lead a team as well as him, be as strong and ruthless and brave as him. Only Tony could do that. In that second Tim felt something he hadn't felt for a long while; an annoyance at Tony, an infuriating, burning resentment towards the man who had walked in, hand-picked, set the bar so high that no-one else could reach it, and walked out almost as boldly as he came.

"McGee? McGee?" Abby's own concerned voice brought him back out of his head.

"Huh?"

"You started to ask me something and then you just zoned out on me for like three minutes. Are you feeling ok Tim?" Abby's features were etched with concern but Tim shrugged it off, plastering a not-so-convincing smile on his face and shaking his head.

"Yeah, you have a screwdriver?" He chirped.

"In the drawer." Abby pointed, brow furrowed.

Tim headed to the drawer humming in an attempt to appear less despondent and let his eyes roam to the picture of Tony that loomed over him. Behind him Abby was watching carefully, trying to work out just what was eating her usually sparky computer geek. They had all been down recently but now everything seemed to be getting back to normal, or as normal as possible. It wasn't until Tim spoke again that she got really worried.

"Abby, did you know Gibbs has a therapist?"


	4. Chapter 4

**So this bit I struggled the most on and had to keep coming back to because I didn't know what to write, I managed to write other parts first and then had to return to here to fill in the gaps. I still don't even really like this one and I don't know if Grace would have as much influence over things as she has in this chapter but it was the easiest way I could think to get to where I wanted to go. I knew Grace had to be involved and do something that would put Gibbs in a position he hated and I wracked my brains for days trying to work out what. Hope you guys still enjoy it though! Will do a few updates in the next couple of days to make up for the wait** **J**

"Oh this is low even for you." Gibbs gritted as he clocked her smug grin from across the room.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Grace smiled.

She went to Vance. She actually went to Vance. He should have known that her trip to NCIS a few days ago wouldn't be the last and that she had more tricks up her sleeve but this was low even for her. Gibbs was still struggling to get it around his head as he stared open-mouthed at Leon, Leon who was looking as though he was enjoying this almost as much as Gibbs was.

"No."

"You don't have a choice Gibbs." Leon sighed.

"Damn right I have a choice." Gibbs hissed. "She has no right."

"She has a right to say something if she thinks your state of mind could interfere with your job."

"That's crap. Nothing wrong with my state of mind."

"Not what I hear." Grace continued to smile at him.

"Who you been talking to now?"

"I'm afraid I can't say."

"Oh you're enjoying this aren't you?"

"Gibbs it's a few sessions."

"I don't talk to shrinks Leon."

"And what am I, a goat?" Grace looked at him in exasperation.

"You're an exception and that being said right now you're not doing an awful lot to prove to me I made the right decision."

"You don't talk to me these days Gibbs,"

"Pff."

"Trust me, if I thought that continuously calling you and chasing you down at work was going to help you then I'd do it until the cows come home, but it won't and it isn't so this is my hand."

"Yeah well I'm not playing."

"Gibbs you might even benefit from a few sessions with an agency counsellor, your team as well, group sessions might be-"

"Not happening."

"Don't you think that should be a decision your team makes together?"

"Not. Happening."

"Gibbs,"

"You have no right." He gritted.

"She has every right and you _don't_ have a choice. If you don't attend then she will go above my head and have you put on leave pending a psych eval."

"This is ridiculous." Gibbs shook his head in disbelief. Of all the sneaky things she could have done she just had to go and mess with the one thing that was keeping him going; his job. "I won't do it."

Leon squeezed the bridge of his nose over the headache he could feel niggling it's way in.

"Have I not made this clear Gibbs? She tied my hands."

"You mean you let her."

"Look is it really going to do any harm? She's your therapist, you already talk to her, why does this make it any different?"

"Ten hours mandatory counselling with the agency appointed shrink to meet _her_ set standards. No. No harm at all." He grimaced.

She watched him shake his head in frustration. She did feel bad for cornering him at work and bringing Leon into it but there was no other way around it, if he talked then at least she had accomplished something. If he didn't, well at least she could say she tried. She was hoping her mandating counselling through the agency would force him to talk to her instead- she knew he would hate the idea of talking to someone different even more.

"You really are determined to break me aren't you? Can't just leave what isn't broken? You pleased with yourself?"

Gibbs visibly bristled and Leon couldn't help but let his mouth twitch; as much as he didn't enjoy having to deal with Gibbs' moods at the best of times he was interested to see whether he would actually comply. Grace had been quite persuasive. Grace was more amused than worried by his assumption that he wasn't broken, apparently the Great Gibbs could never need fixing.

"I will be, if it works." She shrugged. "You never know Popeye, you might even thank me for it."

"I doubt that."

"We'll see."

Grace gave a quick nod to Leon as she made for the door. For a second she thought Gibbs was going to block her, refuse to let her leave until she backed down or at the least, told him it was a joke, that she didn't expect him to do it, because in all honesty, how did she think she had that much power over him. Instead, he stood aside, almost too quickly and the way he deliberately stared through the opposite wall made her sure he was angry, really angry, about the whole situation. But hey, like she'd said, if it worked then everyone would be happy, and not just Gibbs.

Tim was busy shuffling papers at the desk- something he seemed to be doing more frequently than talking these days. The blonde who she knew as Ellie and the new guy Gibbs had briefly mentioned on occasion, Reeves, were sat chatting animatedly by Tim's old desk. Another guy sauntered across to join the huddle as the three of them crammed around the multitude of papers laid out in front of them. She took her time in coming down the stairs, knowing Gibbs would be ranting to Vance for the time being and watched Tim curiously. His eyes seemed heavier than they had two days earlier, his face forlorn and his hair tufty in places where she only assumed he'd ran his hands back and forth. He did such a thing as she reached the bottom and dropped his head to them, sighing. The group across the room barely seemed to have noticed.

"Well hey McGee." Grace beamed over the divider.

His eyes shot up at the sound of his name and he pulled his face into a rather unconvincing smile as he addressed her for the second time that week.

"Oh, hi, um, Grace?" She nodded a reply. "You looking for Gibbs again?"

"Oh no, I've already seen him today." She smiled again and Tim shifted uncomfortably under her stare.

"Ah, ok then." He cast her a wary glance as he turned back to the papers on his desk and poised, pen in hand, at the bottom of the top sheet.

His hand shook slightly and he closed his eyes as he steadied it with his other. It was clearly apparent to nobody but her how much Tim was struggling with everything, his exhaustion was pretty obvious and you didn't need to be a shrink to know when someone was pushing themselves over the limit. It worried her that his friends seemed oblivious to his pain. _Well, no point beating around the bush_ , _she_ might as well jump straight in with it.

"How are you doing honey?"

Tim once more distracted from the desk and back to her.

"Me?"

"You the one I asked sunshine."

She caught a dart of eyes from across the way as Bishop looked up, curious as to what was going on, but dropped her head quick again as she clocked him out the corner of her eye.

"I um, I'm ok, I-"

"McGee!" Gibbs snapped as he rounded into the bullpen.

"Yes boss?"

"Found anything on our missing marine wife?"

"Not yet boss, I'm still-"

"Then quit making small talk with the shrink and get back to work. Pay for that in your own time." Gibbs threw open one of his drawers to remove something and exchanged a glare with Grace.

"Yes boss." Tim dropped his head and began typing furiously into the computer. Grace could see the almost desperation in the reflection of his eyes in the screen.

"Don't you have people to see? Patients lives to go and mess with? Heads to shrink?" Gibbs muttered darkly as he paused halfway out of the room.

Grace crossed her arms across her chest and stared him down.

"I do, just some of them are being a bit more difficult to work with than others." She raised an eyebrow. Gibbs simply shrugged and turned his back.

"Sounds like a lost cause to me."

"No one is a lost cause, not even you Leroy Jethro Gibbs." She clipped.

Gibbs turned back to fix her one last glare but she had already turned to leave. He almost missed her brushing of her hand to Tim's shoulder as she did and Tim's complete lack of response which usually would have concerned him more than it did. Not today. He chewed his lip in frustration and charged towards the opposite elevator.


	5. Chapter 5

Tim would be lying if he said he wasn't glad to find the apartment empty when he got home. Delilah had been finishing earlier and earlier up until recently and it wasn't that he didn't love being in her company- he wouldn't have asked her to marry him if he didn't- but he sometimes appreciated the alone time he got while she was at work. It was late for her that night but he found a note pinned to the fridge as he entered the kitchen reading:

 _Be late home tonight, probably very late- BIG case. Beers in the fridge, food in the oven X_

He smiled at the increasing normality of leaving notes around the house, of making food early and stashing it away and putting the beer in the fridge to chill for getting home. He had done similar things for her the past week or so when he'd been stuck at the office late raking through paper after paper while trying to make sense of Gibbs' bizarre new stance on "Teamwork". He ignored the oven and reached immediately for a beer, cracked it open and took a long swig before turning back to the living room.

Their new place was much roomier than the last, open plan living area, top of the range kitchen with lower counter tops which would accommodate Delilah better, smart dinner table and chairs in the corner which made it easier for when they had dinner guests and two large bedrooms. He wasn't sure they had even discussed the plan to have children but it hovered around them, the second bedroom acting as a storage room for the time being but which even the landlord had suggested would make an excellent nursery. The place had a smartness similar to Tony's which was marred only slightly by the excess of technology they had brought with them and stuffed haphazardly around the room. His typewriter and a whole host of other things had so far been demoted to the spare room while the computer equipment had been erected by the TV, perturbing out further than it and taking up almost half of that side of the room until such a time he could catch Gibbs in a good mood and ask for his help to get the TV onto the wall and rearrange. Even for having lived there just over a month they still weren't very far on the organisational front, there were still several boxes full of things, he wasn't sure he remembered what, stashed in corners of rooms; he blamed their jobs for that.

He hadn't even bothered to switch on a light as he'd walked through, leaving the living room in a darkness that's eeriness was extenuated by shadows and tricks of the light throwing random shapes up across the walls and ceiling. He took another swing of the beer and sighed into the room. It _was_ nice to have a little time alone but if he was honest he hated the emptiness of the house when he was by himself. He'd be damned if he knew how Gibbs had managed for the last several decades. He knocked the power button on the open laptop as he huffed into the couch and chugged down the rest of the beer while it loaded. The longer he sat there the more he realised he would much rather have Delilah home. He hadn't had the best day at work and while he had thought time alone would be good for settling his mind so far it was only good for making it whir harder and faster. He left the empty beer bottle to start a line on the side as he got up to grab another, stared through the half open fridge door for a moment or two and then shrugged and removed the whole box. He had finished his second before the laptop bleeped. He flicked through the contacts on his cell until he came to Delilah's name and only half listened to the voicemail message that instantly played.

"Hey Delilah, I know you're busy, just wanted to say thanks for the note." Tim sighed as he picked at the bottle label with one hand. "Had a bit of a rough day, hope you're not going to be too late, this place is a bit lonely when you're by yourself, I know you know that already, makes me want to apologise for all those late nights last week. Anyway, give me a call when you're on your way home. I love you."

Tim cut off the call and stared at the phone in his hand for a while, contemplating the name not too far down the list. It had been a week since Grace last showed up at the office and though they hadn't actually talked about it, Tim knew from talks throughout the agency, and gossip from Abby herself that Gibbs had been mandated ten hours of counselling per Grace's orders or he'd be forced to take a week's leave and retake his psych eval. As far as he was aware he was yet to attend one, though the string of cases they seemed to be picking up recently could be why, and Gibbs had been worse than moody ever since. In all honesty, he didn't exactly blame him today, it had been a long case and he'd been caffeine free for too long since his usual coffee place was closed and so he had been grouchier than usual. It would have been a bit better if he hadn't head slapped him so hard as he called him Tony though. He'd let it slide, for the third time that week, but had Bishop and Reeves not been there too he may have thought against letting him off this time. It had been a bit of a shock when he'd done it on Tuesday, they'd been at the crime scene and he was rattling off names with jobs to do, he'd actually thought he'd misheard for a second until Bishop had asked him if he'd heard him call him Tony instead of Tim. Yesterday had been after interrogation and Gibbs had, for some reason, been very rattled by the suspect, he'd barked an order at Tim as he passed in the corridor afterwards but again said Tony's name. Today was in the office after they'd finished updating him that they hadn't actually found anything new. He'd taken the head slap with a pinch of salt but the 'Tony' thing had actually gotten to him this time. As if it wasn't enough that sitting at Tony's desk had to remind him that he was gone, he had Gibbs now clearly showing just how much faith he had in Tim as a senior field agent- none whatsoever.

He quickly uncapped another beer and furrowed his brow in annoyance as he tried to remember the last time Gibbs had actually treated him like anything other than a bad replacement Tony. He wasn't even sure whether the mix up of names was an accident or a deliberate effort to make a point that he wasn't being as _Tony_ enough for him. A bleep and flash of green from the laptop distracted him from his bitter thoughts, though it made no way in cheering his mood. Tony's face flashed over half of the screen as the Skype call rang. Tim allowed it to ring on, suddenly finding himself in no mood to see nor speak to his apparent best friend. Instead he slowly took a drag of beer, watching the screen intently and waited for Tony to cut it off. Sure enough not a minute later the call ended and a red missed call message jumped up onto the chat bar. Another ping indicated a message from Tony.

 _Hey you, thought you would be home by now. Gibbs working you late again? Your little button is green but maybe it's Delilah using your laptop again, if it is, hey there Delilah! Give me a call back when you get this Timmy, can't promise I'll be decent though ;) T x_

Tim swallowed back the lump in his throat as he read the message from a distance. Tony's poor attempt at jokes weren't making him feel any better in the slightest. He drained the bottle in several quick gulps and took again to staring at the screen in front of him. He wasn't in the mood for Tony and his daft jokes. He wasn't even in the mood to see Tali. He took the beer to the couch and settled himself down while flicking on the TV. He paused on a movie that he had probably seen a thousand times but liked enough to allow it to play in the background without being too irritating. He glanced briefly to the laptop and did consider pressing the call button just so Tony wouldn't worry (he still hadn't actually replied to his letter) but he would know he'd been drinking and would ask questions, he'd be able to tell something was bothering him and he'd probably be able to guess what; he hadn't exactly been raving about work in his replies. Instead he just lay there dark and listened to the buzz of the TV while he continued to slug down the beer.

When Delilah got back three hours later he was snoring loudly, the TV still playing, the laptop still open, a litter of empty beer bottles on the coffee table and his food still cold in the oven.


	6. Chapter 6

**Bit of a longer chapter, I was going to split it but it was going to end up with one very short and since they follow on it seemed better this way. We're jumping another couple of days since the previous chapter and focussing for a bit on how exactly Gibbs is feeling since we haven't gotten there yet. Also, I forever googled Hebrew words but if anyone finds it's wrong please do let me know. Might be a** ** _tiny_** **bit of a delay in the next update as have a crazy busy work week but will have more up asap :)**

"I'll be back in a week Tim."

"Mhm."

"Just 7 days ok?"

"Hm."

"Tim will you look at me?"

Delilah had stopped packing and was now watching him from the open bedroom door, worried, a frown on her face but her eyes soft and concerned. Tim on the other hand took to watching the wall just behind her left ear where the computer equipment was piled high.

"That's not looking at me, that's pretending to look at me while you check out the computer for the millionth time this week. Timothy, hey?"

She jammed the wheelchair between his feet at the floor of the couch and caught his face in her hands.

"It's just 7 days."

Tim dragged his eyes away to meet hers and she was suddenly very concerned with what she saw. It wasn't so much how red and heavy and bloodshot and out of focus they looked, but the look, the look of complete and utter defeat she saw staring back at her. He sighed and blinked heavily.

"I know." He mumbled.

"Tim, I don't have to go, I can stay, I can tell them I can't if you need me to stay."

"You can't do that for me. Just go. It's work, I'm fine. Trust me." He forced a smile in an attempt that failed to reassure her of his _fineness_ but she admitted defeat as he gave a slight shake of his head when she made to open her mouth again.

"Fine, ok?"

"I don't believe that for a second."

"Try. Honestly, it's ok. _I'll_ be ok."

"I don't want to leave you like this. I know you've been having it tough with work and Gibbs and with Tony being gone and I don't want to leave you alone. Especially not this close to-"

"I'll be fine Delilah. You have to go. They'll only make you anyway."

She tugged his face forward to rest her head against his and felt him relax onto her.

"I hate having to leave."

"Hm."

 _* 2 hours later *_

Tim watched the plane take off from the car park. He had gone with her as far as his badge would allow him and she had made a show of showering him with hugs and kisses for as long as she could delay boarding. Now he was sat in his empty car in an empty car park staring up at the now empty sky watching the spot he had seen the plane disappear from debating the ride back to his now 7-day empty apartment.

He drove the way without even realising where he was going. His brain was foggy and it wasn't the best kind of driving weather. He had debated for a little while going back to the office but then he really wouldn't get any sleep and the only thing worse than going to work tomorrow and disappointing Gibbs yet again would be Gibbs walking to find him asleep at the desk and setting him off in a bad mood before he even clocked in. Instead, his over exhausted brain had taken him the opposite way, further away from his place, closer to Tony's, and landed him right outside the house of the very man he was most eager not to piss off.

He left the engine running as he pulled up and gave the house a once over. The place was in darkness despite his car being parked in the drive and to anyone else it would seem there was no sign of life, or that Gibbs was an early sleeper, but Tim had little doubt that he would be in the basement working on that new boat of his. He had been down to see Gibbs just once since Tony had been away, the day before Gibbs officially promoted him to Senior Field Agent. He had wanted to run it by Tim first- not that he had much say nor much problem with it at the time- and they had toasted the new position with a swift measure of bourbon. Tim had not spoken to Gibbs at his home since and had barely spoken to him about anything other than work when at work. They had never had as close a relationship as he and Tony but Tim had hoped that the team adjustments would give him a chance to get closer to Gibbs; it seemed the opposite was happening. He sat a little longer just watching the darkened house while the rain pitter-pattered over the roof of the car. He was trying, only slightly, to steer himself into going in, to confronting Gibbs about his attitude, making him talk to him and tell him what he needed to do for Gibbs to back off just a little, other than become a clone Tony. When he could no longer bear to sit half-heartedly trying to convince himself to move, he put the car into drive and took off back down the street to the familiar route to his _very_ empty home.

Gibbs scraped the sander across the wood and relished in the sound he'd come to know and love so well over the years. The scratchiness of the way it slid over the jagged surface, stuttering in his hand. The irony of how two things so hard and stubborn could rub off on each other and as one became smoother and softer, the other retained it's edginess, if anything losing a little of the grit it had before. The energy it took in doing that, in taking the time to wear something down to less than it was before, to make it better, to put one thing through that for the sake of the another and for it to be changed forever because of it… and then he wasn't even sure it was wood he was thinking of anymore.

He reached for the tumbler behind him and almost fumbled his grip on it. He pulled it forwards with two fingers and swallowed down the burning amber liquid. The bottle sat half-finished not too far away but further than Gibbs was willing to stretch. He dropped the sander back to the bench and turned the empty cup in his hands. He flexed the fingers on his right, remembering how stupid he had been earlier that week when he'd hit McGee so hard he actually saw the swim in his eyes when he turned away from him. He hadn't meant to hit him so hard. Hadn't meant to yell so loud. Hadn't meant to call him Tony, _again._ It wasn't for lack of trying; he had every faith in Tim as his Senior Field Agent. He'd seen the way Tony had acted with him during the numerous occasions he'd been delegated team leader and the way Tim had been more than capable and willing to step up and do what was needed. He had been impressed with how well he had been managing lately, especially amongst a very different team dynamic and a very different, Tony-free, environment. Hell, he didn't know how he was doing it because Gibbs himself wasn't doing a very good job at managing. So he didn't know why he was making Tim's life so difficult when in reality he was doing everything he was expected and more. He had slipped up on more than one occasion and he knew it. He didn't know why he was calling Tony's name every time he felt frustrated and as though they were getting nowhere but he wasn't about to mention that to Grace. She had enough juice on him these days to keep her more than satisfied, though he also wasn't going to let on to Abby that he knew she had dropped some unsubtle hints about his temper flares on the sly. He almost appreciated it. What he didn't appreciate was Grace's elaborate stunts to get him into sessions- he was sure she would be stepping up the game considering his avoidance of them so far by using cases as excuses not to go was starting to wear thin. Truth be told he was struggling an enormous amount since Tony left and he knew Tim was bearing the brunt of his misplaced anger, anger that should be at himself and not his team but anger that nonetheless, had to go somewhere. He could imagine Ziva, had she been there, glaring at him for yelling at him across the bullpen and then cornering him once McGee was out of earshot to stick up for her brother and tell him straight. _"It is not his fault Gibbs. He did not make Tony leave. He did that all on his own. And it is not his fault he isn't him."_

"I know." Gibbs spoke to the room. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in frustration, the bourbon making him groggy and tired and all the more _frustrated_.

He pushed off from the boat, or at least the beginnings of the boat, and snaked his way over to the bottle. He poured another several fingers worth of alcohol and downed half in one quick swig. Even after all these years he still enjoyed the burn at the back of his throat from every sip. It made him feel something, made him sure he could still feel, that he was still human.

He took the glass with him back to the boat and ran a hand over the now smooth wooden base. The sawdust rolled through his fingers and scattered the floor like curls of sand that crumbled under his step. A picture of Tali was pinned to the board above his head and he let his gaze settle there as he leaned back once again. She was so much like Ziva it hurt, but her eyes shone Tony. A grin plastered her face making it light up in a way he could only imagine Ziva's would have as a child. She waved a hand above her head at her father behind the camera, the other clutched tightly around Kelev. The background was Israel, he knew from their short stay there that it was the lobby of the hotel that Mossad had, uncharacteristically, offered to pay for. It was presumably only a few days after Gibbs and the team had left, Senior was just caught in the background carrying a juice cup and pink cardigan. It had been the one and only letter he had received in the month and a half they had been away.

 _Boss,_

 _Hope all is well back home and Timmy is keeping a close eye on the fish- I give you permission to head slap him for me if not (Not that you need permission Mr Bossman Sir)._

 _Things are, getting there, here. It's hard to want to leave. It feels like I'm abandoning her all over again. I know it's not what she'd want but the struggle to move forward is real, you I know, of all people, understand that. I'm not finding the answers I thought I might here though so I am going to do as I said and continue on. There's so many places I want Tali to see that Ziva never got to and so many photographs I want to take to remind her of the places she's been when she's older. This one was taken a day or so ago- I'm kind of foggy with the timings. I don't think my brain has quite caught up with everything just yet. I do know however it's one of the first times I remember genuinely laughing since the funeral. She was running around waving to the staff and some of the guests and there was this one guy with grey hair. I didn't realise quite at first but after I translated and took another look at the guy, she was adamant she wanted to say hi because she thought it was you. I'm not even kidding boss. It seems Ziva didn't just tell Tali about Abba but also about Saba. I told her to smile and wave to the camera and I would send you it so there you have it, Grandpa._

 _I'm not sure when I'll next be in touch, I have a long way to go and you're not exactly as easy to hit up as McTech is. I'd send you a skype request but you'd probably not get it until Tali's started college. I'm going to come back through Tel Aviv once more just before we get back to DC, whenever that may be, just to see her once more before we come home. I'd like that and I think Tali would to. I know Ziva would._

 _I do however want to say thank you boss for what you did at the funeral. I was messed up that day and I wouldn't still be standing if it wasn't for you guys._

 _Have to go bossman, Tali has just thrown Kelev in the pool and Daddy has to go rescue him because he can't swim._

 _Send my love to all the team._

 _Tony and Tali xx_

Gibbs stroked a finger across the photograph. He'd be lying if he said he didn't miss the two of them very much. He had avoided Tali as much as possible in the days after she arrived in DC and only had limited interaction with her in Israel for fear of how he would feel seeing her when she reminded everyone so much of what they had lost, but Tony's letter had stirred something in him, the knowledge that Ziva had introduced him as Grandpa and that Tali had recognised that struck a chord in his dusty heart. The love of a child was something he had not known in too long and was now missing out on by very much his own doing. He had been the one to force Tony to re-evaluate his position in his life, had been the one to set him on the trail of an alternative future and now he had lost not only a daughter and a son in it but a granddaughter too, one that knew him only through a photograph. Though in a way he felt better for it, his track record with female members of his family was not exactly great so with Tali out of the way and not knowing him maybe he could spare her the same fate everyone else seemed to succumb to. It was crazy, he knew, but as much as it hurt him not to know her, it would hurt him much more to lose her aswell.

Somewhere outside he heard the faint sound of a car engine muffled by the sound of the rain against the ground but chose to ignore it when it ran for longer than he deemed necessary. If it was Abby or Ducky or, god forbid, Grace coming to check on him then they wouldn't waste time in lingering. He contemplated the bottle by his hand for the, actually he had lost count how many times now that night, but watched it anyway as if it might suddenly jump up and pour itself into his glass again and again until it was empty and he laid passed out underneath the hull of the boat amongst the sawdust and wood working tools. In fact he almost willed it to. Outside he heard the sound of tyres on gravel and the dull groan of the engine as whoever it was chose to drive away and turned his attention back to the bourbon. The sandpaper lay discarded at the side by Tony's letter. If he ended up under the hull of his boat tonight he guessed it would be a nice change from passing out on the couch.


	7. Chapter 7

**Apologies for the longer than anticipated delay! So I feel like it's starting to take a slightly darker turn than I meant it to as we get more into Tim's 'coping' mechanisms so I hope you guys still like it. Quite short chapter but the next two will be much longer and a little more action filled.**

They'd been at the scene far too long for how warm it was and the effects were starting to show. Bishop was still inside collecting evidence but the room was almost like a greenhouse and Gibbs had left soon after she started. He eyed Reeves across the street talking- flirting- with a neighbour; he'd been gathering statements for almost two hours and Gibbs wasn't sure whether it was efficiency or lack of professionalism that was the reason for the time delay. Ducky and Jimmy had only just left for NCIS with the body and the rather large crowd that had been gathered for some time had dispersed somewhat to leave only a handful of morbidly fascinated teenagers. He rubbed the back of his neck and felt the damp of where his jacket had been sticking to him. He turned the empty coffee cup over in his hand, grumbling over there not being anywhere close by to grab his third cup of the morning. There was one very significant member of his team missing and it wasn't doing anything for his mood. Tim hadn't called, hadn't answered his cell when he'd called, when Bishop had called, when Ducky had called, hadn't answered the door when Ducky had called by on his way to the scene. Gibbs knew Delilah was away so it wasn't even like he had a reason to not come into work. He was probably more annoyed that he was going to new lengths in breaking Rule 3: Never be unreachable. He had considered going round there himself and breaking the door down if he didn't answer but his temper these days probably wouldn't have withstood and he'd rather not have the situation with Tim pushed any further than it already had been.

He had thought Tim was going to blast at him in the middle of the squadroom the day after Gibbs' bourbon infused boat building did indeed land him under the boat and not on his couch. It had been a simple slip of the tongue, though there had been too many of those lately. He'd just finished chewing Reeves out for something stupid he'd managed to do with the evidence which could very much compromise the case and had, without thinking, yelled to him that Tony was in charge until he got back from his coffee trip. The dead silence he had been met with had concerned him much less than it should have done. Reeves had paused, phone receiver to his ear, hand hovering over the dial while he watched McGee, waiting for a response. Tim's face had tightened and his eyes narrowed as he surveyed his boss. It had been the fifth and final time Gibbs had mixed up the names. He had spoken, with a wonderful calm to his tone, to say just his name, "Tim."

Gibbs had whipped his head around from his spot at the elevator so fast he almost went dizzy, to meet Tim's cold stare with confusion. It had taken a second or two for him to register what he'd said and he groaned inwardly as he opened his mouth to speak but failed to find the words.

Tim had been on the verge of flipping out he was sure. Both fists were clenched at his side, his left seemingly trembling for a moment and he seemed to have reached his feet without even realising it himself. He had stared him down for several seconds, a mixture of fury and anguish on his face. As Gibbs had made to open his mouth to correct himself Tim had snatched the case file from his desk and stormed past Reeves to the elevator across the room. Reeves had frozen, watching Gibbs in silence as a low buzz of noise returned to the room. Gibbs had chosen to ignore it and proceed to get coffee but once in the elevator he had flipped the switch and physically reprimanded himself for being such an idiot once again.

By the time he returned he'd convinced himself that acting as though nothing had happened was the best way to deal with it. Tim had made his way back to the room at some point during his absence and sat quietly searching through databases of bank and credit card details. Reeves was deep in conversation on the phone with someone but flashed Gibbs a wary look as he came in. Bishop had also returned from her trip down to Abby's lab and was filling out paperwork at her desk. Gibbs had merged back into the group and they had worked like that for the rest of the day; Tim barely looking at him and him barely looking at Tim. The next day everything was as it had been. Tim was quiet and working, Gibbs was grouchy and loud as he barked orders and demanded answers. He had been trying very carefully however not to mix up Tim and Tony's names since.

So this was why he was now pacing outside in the blistering heat, bristling about his absent senior field agent who was ignoring everyone on the team and leaving him little room for manoeuvre. He thought somewhere in the back of his mind he recalled Grace saying something to him, seeing a hand on Tim's shoulder and worried whether he should indeed _be_ worried. But he knew his team and he knew if and when they needed his help they would come to him, so if and when Tim wanted to rant and yell and seek his help, he would. Which again led him to the only reason Tim could be ignoring everyone was because he was either passed out drunk or hungover or was simple being deliberately stupid. Neither of which were a sufficient excuse in his book.


	8. Chapter 8

**So Tim is quite on the edge at the minute and Gibbs is about to realise just how much. I did a lot of rambling while writing this one but I liked it so decided to leave it as it was. Tim is struggling, so is Gibbs, but neither one is willing to admit it just yet.**

Tim dragged his feet through security, barely paying attention as he scanned his badge through and made his way to the elevator. Everyone around him was bustling about in a hurry or talking quickly in hushed voices to each other as they went by in huddles. Thankfully the elevator was empty so he had plenty of time to settle his mind before he was exposed to the wrath of Gibbs. He flicked the emergency stop just a floor away from the squadroom to steady his breathing and glanced at his reflection in his phone screen. His eyes were crimson, he had expected that, and heavy black underneath, he expected that too. His hair was standing on end in places and his stubble was a little more than unruly for him. He guessed he had to be grateful his breath didn't have the lingering stench of stale alcohol that usually hovered around late night drinkers. He flexed his left hand and grimaced at the pain that ripped through his bruised knuckles. He had not so much beat himself up last night but more so the typewriter. He had figured it was about time he tried to sort out some of their things and thought it might be a nice surprised for Delilah getting back; and also to keep him distracted. He'd found however, that the spare room was a lot smaller than he initially had anticipated and after jamming his hand between a desk and the doorframe he had given up on the idea and instead proceeded to launch the boxes across the room in frustration. There had been boxes full of books and papers mostly, some of old CD's and DVD's which between he and Delilah was bordering on challenging even Tony's collection. And then that's when he'd thought of Tony again and had attempted to find his photo album that contained some of the team. There were a couple from Christmas the first year Tim had started when he, Abby, Kate and Tony had went out for an end of work meal, it had resulted in them being called back in not half an hour in but had been nice all the same. There were a few from Kate's surprise birthday party Abby had thrown, which even consisted of a few of Gibbs planting kisses to her cheek while she blushed like a schoolgirl. There were ones from Halloween after Ziva had started, Thanksgiving at Ducky's place, Christmas again, some random ones from their odd days off or daft ones they had taken in the office. There were ones of Tony and him, Abby and him, Ziva and him, hell, even one of him and Gibbs that was taken on Tim's birthday where they'd surprised him with a cake at work. There were ones of him and Delilah and him and Sarah, other family photos and then there was the one of the whole team that had been taken one Christmas when they had been working late at the office and Gibbs had not only given permission for, but joined in a huge agency snowball fight, which they had won of course.

They were standing, Ducky, Tim, Ziva, Gibbs, Abby, Tony and Jimmy, all with arms around the other, faces pink from the cold and hats skewed on their heads. Ziva was in between a smile and a frown as Tony had just before tucked snow down her jacket, he was standing, half a laugh on his face, almost doubled over having just ran back to Abby's side. Abby was tucked snugly into the crook of Gibbs arm while he cast an amused look over to Ziva, trying not to laugh at the angry ninja beside him. Jimmy looked a little shocked as a snowball was just moments from hitting him square in the face and Ducky at the other end was waving an arm in the air to tell Dorneget, who had thrown it, to stop, just too late. Tim was stood quite happily between them, one arm over Ducky's shoulders, the other around Ziva's side. He was the only one fully looking at the camera as though blissfully unaware at the chaos erupting either side of him, but the grin tugging at his lips showed him dying to burst into laughter. He had quickly flicked through the album before placing it back in the box. As he did so another, smaller photograph had fallen out of the back. It was a picture he'd forgotten he had, taken by Tony, most likely in secret, as he and Gibbs clearly had no idea they were being photographed. It was when Gibbs had handed him his badge and officially declared he was no longer a probationary agent. Tim was staring at Gibbs, slack jawed with a mixture of fear, determination and excitement. Gibbs' look was harder to read. He had one hand still on the badge and the other on Tim's shoulder and was looking at him almost with pride, as though he was proud of what McGee had achieved, proud of what he had become, proud to be his mentor in all of that. But Tim shook himself of the thought the longer he stared at the picture. Gibbs had never been proud, he had rarely been impressed by him, even his computer savviness seemed to do little to ignite Gibbs' interest these days considering Reeves could do it almost as well- still not quite, no one was ever quite as good as Tim. His thoughts on it rested back to Ziva as he cast his eyes back over the photograph of the team.

That's when Tim had launched the album across the floor. He'd thrown box after box, hitting his hands against heavy metal objects as he did. When his already jammed hand had hit the typewriter he had flipped, hurled it into the wall and watched it splinter into a hundred pieces. He had stopped then, breathing heavily to calm himself and staring at the dent in the wall. He didn't remember falling asleep, only waking up lying on top of several shattered bits of typewriter and a jumble of photographs, his head fuzzy and slightly sticky where he must have hit it on something. His hand was bruised and he had a deep cut across it that he could only guess was from when he vaguely remembered hitting the wall. When he'd checked the time and realised he was three hours late for work he had forgone a shower and instead changed his clothes and brushed his teeth in as fast a time as he could manage and gotten on the road (though he still wasn't convinced that had been one of his better ideas) furiously chewing gum as he did until he got to NCIS.

He rubbed the side of his head where he could feel the lump and the patch of dried blood. Luckily you couldn't see it and other than his eyes being a little red and his fist being banged up he didn't think he looked all that bad. When he stepped off the elevator though he thought he might change his mind; either he looked worse than he thought or they were staring at him because they knew Gibbs was going to tear him a new one as soon as he saw him. When he reached his desk he figured it may have been a bit of both.

Gibbs tried to ignore the state of Tim as he got off the elevator. His eyes were scarlet and heavily bloodshot, his five-o'clock-shadow closer to midnight, his hair was sticking up in places and he looked like he had something close to blood streaked across his ear. He looked as though he'd gotten dressed in a hurry, possibly in the dark, creased and looking fairly unkempt he seemed to have also forgotten to pick up a jacket. Worst of everything was his hand which was heavily bruised and swollen even from where he was sitting. Several agents beside him cast anxious glances towards McGee as he walked through, head down trying to ignore them. Out of the corner of his eye Bishop exchanged a look with Reeves and then glanced over to Gibbs and frowned. Gibbs cleared his throat in an effort to get Tim's attention. He squinted his eyes shut before he raised his head and Gibbs felt his throat constrict. He cleared his throat again to speak.

"Afternoon McGee. Enjoy your morning off?"

Tim looked at him, so dejectedly that Gibbs almost caved right then and told him it was fine, that he didn't care as long as he was ok, if he was ok. He didn't.

"Well?"

"No point apologising boss so why don't you just keep going until you're finished."

There was something about the way Tim said it that stabbed at Gibbs chest a little. He got to his feet and walked around to his desk.

"You think this is an acceptable way to be acting McGee?" His voice was low and soft but Tim could hear the annoyance in it.

Tim stared at the wall.

"Ignoring calls, showing up late, looking a mess."

Tim continued to spot the orange.

"Do you really think this is showing a good example to the rest of the team? To Reeves? To Bishop? You're supposed to be my go to man, my right hand, a leader, and instead you ignore my calls, ignore Ducky when he calls to your house, you turn up over three hours late to work looking like something the cat dragged in and you think this is ok?"

Tim gritted his teeth and tried hard to focus on a spot close to the wanted pictures.

"You're senior field agent McGee. You should be setting a better example for your team, you're supposed to lead by example, you have teammates that look to you for guidance."

It was coming, he was waiting for it.

"Do you really think this is how a senior field agent should be acting? Do you really think T-"

Tim's fist hit the desk for fear of hitting Gibbs himself. He once again found himself on his feet without realising when he stood up and was breathing so fast and heavy anyone would think he'd ran the entire height of the building to get to the floor. Gibbs had leaned back ever so slightly, his eyes a little more wary than they had been before. Bishop had sucked in a loud breath and Reeves was tennis balling between the two of them.

"Finish it." Tim hissed while keeping his eyes firmly on the desk. "Do I really think Tony ever acted like this? Do I really think Tony would be behaving like this, being this disrespectful and blasé over the rules and the responsibilities of senior field agent? Do I really think Tony would ever dare to do something like this? Well you know what boss, I'm not Tony."

Tim had shoved past him before Gibbs could respond and was through the door of the stairs before half of the room had even registered what had happened. Bishop and Reeves were silent once more, swapping looks as they watched Gibbs stare at the spot Tim had just vacated. That desk was being put through quite the ringer lately between Tony and Tim. He managed to pull himself out of his head for long enough to return to his own.

"Get back to work you two." He spoke a little more softly.

The clicking of mice and tapping of keyboards returned, albeit much slower than before. Gibbs couldn't help but continue to stare at the desk. That desk that had housed him two amazing senior field agents, two amazing friends, two brothers, closer than anything, and was now dragging them both further and further away from him. He did indeed finish the sentence he'd started, but in his own head. _-ony would want to see you like this?_

At the elevator Grace pressed the button to head straight back down. Now clearly was not the time to rave at Gibbs for missing his sessions, she'd have to get to that later. Now was a time to worry about Tim.


	9. Chapter 9

It was silent down in autopsy. Tim was sat with his back pressed to the cold of the freezer, the chill helping not only with the thudding pain in his head but the numbness he already felt after his outburst upstairs. Silent tears cascaded down his cheeks and he pressed his palms tight over his eyes as he sat there. Ducky was at lunch with Jimmy, Tim knew because Breena was bringing Victoria down to see them since Jimmy would be working late that night, so autopsy was empty and dark and much less eerie than Tim thought it would be. There weren't many occupants of Ducky's cold storage for the time being so he didn't feel as creeped out as he usually would. To be honest at the minute he felt more comfortable down in the basement surrounded by corpses that couldn't judge him or stare him out or criticise his every action than with the cold hearted bastard Gibbs was slowly becoming upstairs.

This was the second time that week Tim had landed on the floor of autopsy with just a few bodies and his own thoughts for company, though then the presence of a body bag in an otherwise empty, shadowy room had limited his stay. The first had been after another very similar showdown with Gibbs, though he had managed to keep his cool and not flip out that time. That time he had been hurt, truly hurt by Gibbs continuous, however accidental it might have been, reference to him as Tony. This time he hadn't managed to keep calm. His head had already been aching and Gibbs nagging hadn't helped. He could feel the remnants of alcohol still working its way through his system and the buzzing of the bright orange squadroom hadn't helped with his nausea. Maybe it was good he had flipped a bit this time. Maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. Maybe, but he knew he was trying to convince himself too much for it to be true.

His cell bleeped in his pocket but he didn't check it; most likely it would be Delilah checking in or Bishop texting to ask if he was ok. Truth is, he didn't know if he was ok anymore. He had felt ok, kind of, all up until that shrink had gotten into his head and make him think too much and feel a dozen different things at once. Yeah, that's when this had started, his strained relationship with Gibbs, his not being able to think straight over anything including Tony, his drinking (though that had merely increased), all because of Grace. He snorted at the thought. Grace didn't start this, sure she had made Gibbs a little angrier at him because he'd been caught talking to her but she hadn't caused the awkwardness between them, she hadn't really messed his head up much more than it already was, she hadn't even increased his drinking by _that_ much, she simply made him realise it all himself, and that's what he was probably more pissed off at. I mean how ok could anyone be after everything that had happened recently?

He let several more tears fall and didn't bother trying to stop himself. He wasn't even sure why he was crying anymore. He had never cried after Ziva, not since that one time at the funeral, he hadn't had time to, he was never upset enough over Gibbs to cry and Tony wasn't exactly gone, he was still keeping in touch, though it had been a while since Tim replied to any of his messages and there had been several…

 _Timmy, just checking in again, you missed my last call and never replied to the message I left. Assuming you're busy with work but then Gibbs says never make assumptions. Hope things are ok? Did you get my letter? Give me a call kid x_

 _…_

 _Hey McMissing, where you been? Or should I say, where are you? Why haven't I had a Skype call back yet? Why haven't I had a response to my letter? Why have I spoken to Delilah more than I've spoken to you in the past three days? You never miss a day. I haven't done something to upset you have I? x_

 _…_

 _Hey Probie, I'm actually starting to get worried now, I know you've been on the laptop because Delilah told me. Are you deliberately ignoring me? I need our daily catch ups! x_

 _…_

 _Elflord, I'm actually worried I have done something to upset you now, it's been five days since I heard from you McGoo, I need you in my life! Message me please? x_

 _…_

 _Ok, will you just talk to me Tim? I miss you bro xx …_

Truth be told he wasn't sure he was upset. He didn't feel upset. He didn't know what he felt but it wasn't upset. All he knew was that Ziva was gone, Tony was not here and Gibbs and the rest of the team seemed to be forgetting who he even was these days. He wasn't the wonderful, funny, cleverly witty and smart senior field agent they had always had. He wasn't Tony and that bothered them.

From outside Tim heard the ding of the elevator and hurriedly wiped the stray tears from his eyes. He'd only just regained his composure when the lights flickered on and Ducky appeared through the doors, Jimmy, Breena and Victoria in his wake.

"I'm simply saying Mr Palmer, you cannot freak out at every moment just because your daughter has a sniffle and assume the worst, good gracious I don't know how Breena copes."

Breena gave a chuckle as Jimmy replied.

"It wasn't just a sniffle ok, Breena you always make me sound like I overreacted,"

"Because you did Jimmy." She grinned.

"She had a fever,"

"Very low grade fever."

"And her eyes were very red,"

"They were barely pink."

"And she was coughing quite a bit,"

"I, ok, I'll actually give him that one."

"Jimmy, do you think we'd be anywhere if we took our children to see someone every time they had a slight fever and cough, half the district would be at the health centre 24/7 if we did."

"Ok, so I overreacted, but, it could have been worse."

"But it wasn't so no sense in worrying, right Jimmy." Breena squeezed his arm and pecked his cheek in an effort to hush him.

Ducky chortled as he shrugged off his coat and hat onto the stand.

"She's a very wise woman that wife of yours Mr Palmer."

"I keep telling him that Ducky, I'm not sure he believes it." Breena grinned.

Jimmy made to retort but jumped as Ducky yelled, having moved closer to his desk and caught sight of a deathly white Tim hunched on the floor.

"Good grief Timothy, you scared the living daylights out of me!" Ducky clutched his chest and muttered to the ceiling as Tim scrambled to his feet, wiping his sleeve across his face as he did.

"Sorry Ducky, needed some quiet and I knew you were out." Tim forced a smile, which faltered once he saw Jimmy and Breena properly.

Victoria was currently nestled in Jimmy's arm, her head lolling sleepily against his shoulder. Tim felt his breath catch and his heart ache at the sight. It reminded him so much of Tali. He could feel his eyes starting to fill again and Ducky frowned at the pain he saw etched on his face. Jimmy shifted his feet awkwardly at Tim's apparent upset at the sight of them and murmured something about just grabbing his coat. Within seconds he was ushering Breena back out of the doors and towards the stairs. Tim returned the smile to his face as he forced his thoughts away and made to leave. Ducky however, reached out a hand before he'd taken more than two steps.

"Ducky, I have to get back to work."

"You are not going anywhere until I've addressed that cut on the side of your head young man."

Tim tried to brush it off as nothing but stopped under Ducky's stern look.

"Not even Gibbs would be leaving here with that on his head so don't think you are. Sit."

Ducky waved a hand to one of the slabs and Tim grudgingly pulled himself up onto it. He tutted as he examined Tim's head and set about dabbing at it to clean it up, Tim flinching as he hit a more tender spot and Ducky set about it again with a little less vigour.

"So I don't suppose you plan on telling me how you came to gash your head open so nicely?"

"Not particularly." Tim grimaced.

"Hmm. Of course not. I gather there was alcohol involved?"

"Probably."

"Typical." Ducky mumbled under his breath as he added gauze to the cut. "And has Gibbs seen the very state of you today?"

"I don't think Gibbs was actually too concerned with my head but more concerned with my ass not being in my seat on time." He muttered darkly.

Ducky paused with steristrips in his hand to observe his newest patient.

"I think you underestimate him Timothy."

"Do I?"

"You think he wouldn't be concerned?"

"I think he's not. Hasn't been for a long time."

"And what makes you say that?"

"Because I've been conscious while working with him the last two months."

Tim hissed as Ducky pressed a little too hard on his head.

"When was the last time you talked to each other?"

"About fifteen minutes ago."

"I mean actually talked Timothy."

"Who knows, never probably."

Ducky sucked in a breath and stopped to observe the damage. Maybe it was much worse than he'd thought.

"Your knuckles are rather bruised."

"I know."

"What happened with that?"

"Don't know."

"Don't know or don't want to say?"

"Both?" Tim shrugged again.

Ducky shook his head and took Tim's battered hand in his own, gently feeling along the lines of his fingers for breaks.

"Well I don't believe it's broken, just badly bruised."

"Hmm."

"I will clean that second cut and bandage it up though. Last thing I'd want is you catching some kind of infection."

Tim stayed silent this time as Ducky went about his way, cleaning and bandaging his hand. It wasn't until the silence got a little too prolonged that he spoke.

"Ducky, you ever tried to head shrink Gibbs?"

Ducky narrowed his eyes at him.

"Why would I put myself through such torture?"

Tim didn't flinch.

"Gibbs hates shrinks." He spoke, more to himself than Ducky. " _Apparently_ hates shrinks." He added quieter. "You ever met Grace? Gibbs' shrink."

"I don't believe I've had the pleasure."

"Strange woman. Gets in your head. No wonder Gibbs butts heads with her. They're very alike. Maybe that's why they like each other so much, or why she likes him anyway. She keeps coming back for him. Maybe she likes the challenge."

Ducky watched Tim mumble to himself, barely catching what he was saying but understanding just enough to get the idea. It was several minutes before Tim realised he was free to go. He slid from the table, still speaking of Grace and her head-shrinking tactics. He finally glanced up at Ducky before he headed for the door.

"Ha, you know, maybe _I'm_ the one who needs a shrink." He grimaced as he left.

Ducky stood by the table, gloves still on his hands and watched as Tim entered the elevator and the door closed behind him. He suddenly felt very concerned for the boy and it had little to do with his injuries.


	10. Chapter 10

**So the team is starting to really pick up on things and notice how different Tim and Gibbs are, Grace is especially worried about Tim but with Gibbs already in a bad mood she has to tread carefully or he'll start thinking she's trying to interfere with his team to get at him. Appreciate you guys thoughts, helps keep me writing :D Expect delays... again... but hopefully not as long as before, I have a few ideas to work out :)**

It was late but Ducky had tracked him down, not hard for a man who went nowhere but work and his basement. Gibbs had already poured a measure into a second jar before Ducky's footsteps reached the head of the stairs.

"Wondered where McGee had got to earlier. Should've guessed." Gibbs shrugged as he drained his glass in one. Ducky took his own in his hand and observed it.

"He wasn't planning on running into anyone I'm sure. He knew we were out to lunch."

"So, autopsy his new hiding place then?"

"Did he have an old one?" Ducky raised an eyebrow and sipped the burning liquid. Gibbs shrugged again.

"Abby's lab?"

"From what I gather he hasn't spoken to Abigail in days. She's very concerned."

"He's a big boy." Gibbs poured himself a second.

"Yes, but even big boys need looking after sometimes." Ducky cast Gibbs a curious glance. "I hear Delilah is away?"

"Mmhm, DOD sent her to China for a week. She's supposed to be back day after tomorrow."

"Supposed to be?"

"You know how things are Duck."

"That explains why Timothy seems increasingly down lately."

Gibbs stayed silent this time.

"It seems he is struggling. I assume you've noticed, what with you working with him and all?"

"When he wants to he'll come Duck."

"Oh come on Jethro wake up and smell the coffee man." Ducky snapped. "You know your team better than anyone, you know they do nothing if they think it will upset or anger you. You know they mirror your every move, your every action and emotion. While you yourself stay so internally contained and outwardly unemotional how can you possibly expect Timothy to be anything but the same? You make a rod for your own back in what you do Jethro. You expect too much."

"I expect them to know their limits."

"As you know yours?"

"This isn't about me Ducky."

"And that there is the problem, because it is about you Jethro. It's about you and Timothy and Anthony and everything that has happened. The three of you, you have been a team together longer than anyone else I've ever known. Those boys grew with you, they learned, they lost, they became the men they are today because of you and in that respect, you can't expect them to not be somewhat similar in personality."

"Bu-"

Ducky raised a hand to stop him.

"You raised those boys Jethro, they became men in your company, and you know you've always had difficulty getting to know Timothy as well as Anthony. Anthony was already so much like you, Timothy, less so, and now you've been left with, rather than a carbon copy of yourself, a man that you helped mould who you're now questioning just because he has different ways. We have all been through so much lately. Ziva's death has affected us all in different ways, some in not so different ways. He is much like you, you need to realise that before it's too late."

Gibbs sighed and rolled a hand down his face. He knew what Ducky was saying was true but hadn't he also taught them to ask for help when they needed it? Didn't Tim already know that anyway?

"You're right Ducky, but what I've taught them, he'll come, when he needs to, he'll figure it out and he'll come. Rule 28."

Ducky shook his head and sighed in exasperation.

"Sometimes my dear boy, people need a pull in the right direction. One of these days, I fear you will miss the stop." With that Ducky donned his hat and laid down his glass at the side. "Just think about it Jethro."

He sighed before taking to the stairs and leaving Gibbs alone once again. Gibbs regarded his own drink for longer than a while before slugging down the remainder and turning back to the boat.

Steps, barely an hour later, he knew belonged to Grace. He had been so engrossed in his work that he hadn't heard the car or the chink of his front door. The steps were too clicky to be a mans, too heavy for Bishop, too light for Abby. Grace was the only one left.

"And here was me thinking you'd given up."

"I never give up. Did you miss that on my business card?"

"Ah of course, Grace Confalone, therapist extraordinaire, what was it? No one is a lost cause?"

"Something like that. You forgot the Dr part."

"Silly me."

"Not going to offer me a drink?"

"Didn't think you were staying for one."

Grace crossed her arms over her chest and smirked at the back of his head.

"You think I'd drive all this way for your scintillating conversation?"

Gibbs made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a scoff but reached for another jar from the side all the same.

"Already had company?" Grace indicated to the almost empty glass.

"Ducky." Gibbs passed her her own, finally meeting her eyes.

"I take it he wasn't enthralled by your hospitality either?"

"Came to discuss McGee."

"Ah, so something in common then." She too sipped the drink.

"Drinks like you too."

"So, what was his point?"

"Same as yours probably so no need to waste your breath."

"Did a wonderful job of getting through to you then did he?"

"I'd tell you what I told him but I could guess I'd get the same response as Ducky's."

"You could try."

She stared him down for a minute, watched as he swallowed a mouthful of bourbon and reached for the bottle. Several empty, she noticed, lay at the side of the bench. Gibbs followed her gaze and turned his back once again.

"Thought you'd be more concerned with giving me a hard time about skipping sessions."

"Oh I'll get to that."

"Please don't."

"I wouldn't have to if you went."

"I wouldn't have to if you didn't make me."

"And I wouldn't have to if you cooperated." Grace placed the glass to the bench and paused to admire the boat. "You don't half make my life difficult Popeye."

"Told you before, just say the word."

"Oh no, you don't get off that easy. You talked a bit before Gibbs, I don't understand why now is different."

"Because I don't need to talk about the things you want me to."

"Don't need to, or don't want to?"

Gibbs stiffened and uncapped the bourbon bottle. Grace sighed under her breath.

"Gibbs, I know things have been tough. You lost Ziva. As much as you don't want to believe that affected you it did. And then you lost Tony, and you're trying to kid yourself that that's ok too but you know it isn't."

Grace stepped forward and grasped his shoulder to turn him to face her.

"No one could deal with everything you have in such a short space of time Gibbs. You need to grieve, to accept things and accept the help, and you need to be there for your team. The only way to do that is to help you first. You and Tim, you're in the same boat and it's sinking Gibbs, fast. I'm throwing you a rope here. Take it."

She was pleading with him now, hoping that his obvious love for his team would be strong enough to counter his fear of talking about it. It was going to drive him insane otherwise, Tim too. His expression was blank, emotionless and she knew he barely cared for what she was saying. He was too drunk, too absorbed in his self-loathing and too wounded to understand what he was doing to that boy; too stupid to realise what the both of them were doing to each other. They were each other's last, the only person they worked so closely with that had been there from the beginning. No Ziva, no Tony. They should be leaning on each other right now, not pushing each other away.

Gibbs took the glass from the side and brought it to his lips without meeting her eyes. Grace shook her head in defeat; for tonight anyway. She turned to leave and made it to the bottom of the stairs before she addressed him again, her tone stern and authoritative, as though speaking to a misbehaving child.

"You miss your next scheduled session with the department shrink and I will have you put on psych leave."

With that she left. Gibbs stood alone once again, staring at the spot at the top of the stairs where she had vanished. He waited until he heard the door click and hurled the glass towards the wall where it shattered. He slid to the floor against the worktop and dropped his head to his hands in exhaustion.


	11. Chapter 11

**Just a slightly shorter chapter on what Tony's thinking about the situation, or at least about the very little he knows about the situation, to keep you guys going. More updates to follow soon! Thanks for reviewing and sticking with it :)**

Their trip through Europe had, at some point, landed them in Italy, much to his father's delight. It hadn't been planned, they had simply gone to the airport in France and boarded the first plane they could see to a close-ish destination. Naples it had been. At the time he had tried every which way to convince his Dad that he was fine, that everything was ok and he didn't need to be babysat but secretly he was glad of Senior's stubbornness. As much as he loved Tali and would have spent every waking moment with her, his father's insistence in tagging along allowed him some much needed Tony time.

It was warmer in Naples than Paris had been by several degrees but Tali was relishing in it. Her skin was growing darker by the day and her hair lighter, so much so that despite continuously stating she was Ziva's double he was starting to see more and more of himself in his little girl. There were definitely no doubts to her paternity. Tony watched her from his spot as she splashed through the pool in her floaties and Senior chased her in the shallow water. There were some days he thought his heart might burst from the love he felt towards that child. They had been enjoying the simple bliss of being in such a beautiful place and were taking their time through the city, exploring beach after beach and several sights his father had set his eye on while still spending a great deal of their time confined to the hotel pool where Tali had positively come to life with the children's play area and the absurd number of slides. Currently however there were more urgent things pressing him. He had his cell to his ear listening to the third frantic message Abby had sent him in as many days. She was concerned about Tim. Tim wasn't talking to anyone, was too quiet, was yelling at Gibbs and then becoming even quieter. Tim was possibly drinking too much, sleeping too little, definitely working too hard. Tim wasn't coping. And Tim wasn't letting anyone know.

Tali squealed in delight as Senior lifted her into the air and splashed her into the water. Tony smiled as he watched. He had given up a lot for that little girl, he would have given up his life for her if need be. That being said he technically had- he exchanged one life for another and he would never regret his decision but some days had him questioning whether it was time to return home, get into some sort of reality and stop doing so much moving about. Other days he questioned whether to return home at all or whether to not make a life for himself and Tali in a new place, start afresh without the weight of DC on their shoulders. His sticking point was always the team, always Tim. Tim was his brother and as much as he would give his life for Tali he would have always done the same for Tim. They had been as close as two strangers could get and the thought of how much his absence was hurting him made his heart ache a little. He knew it would be hard for him with Ziva gone and him away but he'd figured things would just naturally get better, that things would go back to as normal as possible and Tim would slot back into his Agent McGee place, he always seemed to be the best at adjusting to change. He also however, knew Tim inside out and back to front, so did the fact Tim was struggling and not saying anything surprise him? Not in the slightest. It did surprise him however that he hadn't heard from him at all in a week. He frowned at Abby's hurried words of " _don't know what to do Tony, we need you, I miss you, I'm sorry for calling again. Give Tali kisses._ " As usual when he hit the redial button Abby's cell went straight to voicemail. He sighed and cut off the call; he would talk to her later. Instead he scrolled down to Tim's name and let it ring as he watched Tali out the corner of his eye waving over to him. He dropped his hand as Tim's too went to voicemail.

"Hey McGee. Just thought I'd call and see how you're doing? Haven't spoken to you for a little while so wanted to touch base. I've left you a few messages. I hope you've gotten them. Give me a call back when you get this." He paused. "Love you Timmy."

He considered trying to call Abby again or leaving her a message, or calling Delilah, even calling the office and trying to speak to Tim that way. He did love the freedom but he hated being so far away when things like this were going on and the time difference in each country they went to made it nigh on impossible to ever manage to get in touch with each other when they needed to. Maybe it was about time he thought about heading back towards DC. Then again, maybe whatever was going on with Tim needed to run its course; he wasn't going to be around forever so maybe Tim needed to work this out without him. He hated himself the second he thought it and he resisted the urge to give himself a headslap. Tim was his brother and if it came down to his freedom or Tim's peace of mind, he would sacrifice that. Tony tuned his phone over in his hands while he watched Senior and Tali a little longer, his little girl brimming with excitement over having Senior drop her into the water again and again, that man was going to put his back out one of these days if he continued the way he was going. He waited until the urge to call Gibbs had passed, just as Senior winced a little and rubbed the base of his spine, and went to join them in the pool before his Dad really did hurt himself, his mind still too full of things to truly enjoy it.


	12. Chapter 12

"I wish you were here Zee, you'd know just what to say and do to make it better. He's not the same guy he used to be. A lot's happened and he's different for it but you broke him. I don't know how to be around him anymore. I miss the old him. And I miss Tony, though he'd probably kick my ass for me, he knows how Gibbs works better than I do. And that wonderful little daughter of yours, I miss her too. And I really miss you, Ziva."

Tim sighed heavily at the small teddy in his hand. It had been Ziva's that she had given him before they'd all parted ways for the last time. She said it had been hers when she was younger and she had always kept it with her whenever she could, like a guardian watching out for her and protecting her. She had left it with him before she returned to Israel after a rather emotional goodbye. Looking back, he should have known then she would never return; it was too final.

He placed it back under the tree and wiped his sleeve over his eyes for good measure before he stood up.

"Well, I'll see you." Tim stuffed his hands into his pockets and set off back towards the building. It was just starting to get dark and there was a chill in the air that he found he was grateful for. It was helping in clearing his otherwise foggy head.

It seemed silly to him, talking to a tree. He knew she wasn't really there. If anywhere she was in Israel and it's not like he could just hop on a plane for a quick visit. He had been a little bit surprised that Tony hadn't argued about bringing her to DC. He knew that he'd wanted to at first but he'd understood that Israel was her home first and foremost and to take her away from there just for their own sake was selfish and unnecessary. That's where Vance's tree idea had come in, not only as a memorial to Ziva but to give them somewhere to go. Tim hadn't dared go near it for a week or so at first. He watched Abby take a trip nearly every day during her no music and red eyes phase, sometimes alone, sometimes accompanied by Jimmy, sometimes by Ducky and occasionally by Bishop; not that he blamed her for not going often, she didn't actually really know Ziva in the first place. A scatter of other agents had been and gone but up until recently he hadn't been able to bring himself to go there, where everything reminded him of Ziva, as it was supposed to, and left him with a tight throat and shaking hands. There was a jumble of things around the tree, an assortment of flowers and stuffed teddy's and ribbons with little messages attached to them, a bracelet hanging from a branch, a baseball half buried beneath it, photographs pinned to it and her badge tied to it, her name standing pride of place at the forefront. He could guess who the more personal things were from though it didn't really matter to him whether he knew or not, that there was anything there showed how much people cared for her and their bond as team, or what had been their bond as a team.

It's not as though Ducky was the only one who was aware he was in quite a mess at the minute, he was quite conscious of the fact himself too, but he was dealing with it. They all just didn't seem to believe that he was. Delilah was worried about him, she'd made that clear recently and even Abby and Ellie had started talking to him in softer voices, stroking hands over his arms and asking him if he needed anything. What he needed was for them to leave him alone. The problem seemed to be that he'd go to work, get a little bit of agro from Gibbs over something trivial, be expected to try and do four people's jobs at once, end up skipping lunch, working late and then struggling to fall asleep unless he drowned himself in a significant amount of alcohol. Then he'd sometimes sleep through but still wake up tired, sometimes he'd have nightmares, sometimes he'd wake up the next day and feel a little better than usual, but then it was back to work and back to the same motions that landed him in the exact same position the very next day, and it was exhausting. There was no time in between to dwell on what had happened, to wrap his head around the three major life changes that had occurred in the space of a week. He had very few free time slots around his currently hectic work schedule to think about things, run things over until he could actually make sense of it, so the problem was, he couldn't. Ziva was gone, there had been no need for it, Kort had achieved nothing other than getting himself killed by a cohort of vengeful NCIS agents. He guessed her death had at least brought Tali to them so, for that, he should be thankful, but otherwise it had just simply been a waste. Tony was gone, granted he had reasons behind it that Tim could certainly appreciate but it had been two months and his absence outside of work as well as within was starting to get to him. Letters, emails, skype calls were all well and good but truthfully he missed Tony being there in the flesh, to poke fun out of his workday and make sarcastic comments about his choice of drink at the bar. He'd probably earn himself a head slap from Tony too once he found out how much of an idiot he was being. And then there was that last major thing amongst the other huge major things that was messing with his head and making everything all the more difficult to come to terms with, that job role that he hadn't wanted- not yet at least- that he had been forced into and had since been subjected to a very easily irritable Gibbs. He'd played senior field agent for Tony many times and not that he was one to blow his own horn but he'd thought he did a pretty ok job at it. He'd enjoyed it much more at the very least. Being Gibbs' senior field agent was nowhere near as fun at the minute.

The alcohol was helping, to an extent, he generally slept a little better the more alcohol he drank and it numbed the pain of everything that had happened and was still happening, if only for a short while. If he was honest he didn't know if it was Tony's prolonged absence or Ziva's death that was affecting him most, it was clear he hadn't come to terms with either. He mused over the events the day before Tony had resigned; Tony coming to see him with Tali, the doubt he had about being a father, tracking down Kort and ending it for Ziva, for Tali. _Nothing personal._ It was personal, for all of them, you mess with one and you mess with them all and Ziva had been more than just anybody, she was family and that Kort had been so ignorant to that made his stomach turn. To think that they could have lost Tali too and then how would Tony have coped knowing a daughter he never met had been so cruelly killed for nothing, an innocent amongst a game of war that she was oblivious to, it didn't bear thinking about. Emptying their guns into Kort just wouldn't have been enough that time.

His phone buzzed and he hit the ignore button that he was becoming all the more accustomed to these days, without even checking who it was, though he could have guessed. It was obvious to him why Gibbs behaviour had become so erratic these days, his was probably no better. Ignoring calls, walking out on Gibbs, drinking too much and beating himself up over it all. Gibbs needed someone to pick up the slack, to back the team up while he fixed his own head. The problem was, his own was just as messed up and while he was just as messed up, he was no use to him. The second buzz of his cell made him check the caller- Gibbs, _knew it_. He debated ignoring it again.

"Boss."

"Need you back here, 10 minute lunch you said, that was a half hour ago."

"I know, sor-"

Gibbs cut off the call. Tim sighed into the phone. _Ever the gentleman Gibbs, can't even let a guy finish a sentence._

At the entrance to the building he caught sight of Grace picking up coffee by Gibbs' usual spot, _probably trying to bump into him_. Before he had a chance to register it she had waved a hand and made a beeline for where he was standing. Tim quickly ducked through security before she could catch up with him though, last thing he need was more grief from Gibbs because of her,and by the time Grace reached the doors he was gone.


	13. Chapter 13

**The next couple of chapters will focus on Delilah's return home and her becoming more aware of the wreck that Tim seems to be becoming before we jump back to whatever Grace's plan of action is and how well it is or isn't working out. I know some people prefer the shorter chapters so I've split this next one, keep letting me know what you guys think and thanks for reading! :)**

Delilah got into arrivals, eyes searching the crowd to catch a glimpse of Tim. She had spoken to him once on the phone, very briefly, since she'd told him she would be late home and had sent him a text that morning with her flight information hoping he would actually look at it this time. He'd been doing an excellent job of dodging her calls and ignoring messages while she'd been away, she'd called and text three or four times the day they'd been informed they would be staying an extra few days. Tim had been a little too ok with it when she finally did speak to him but he'd offered to pick her up from the airport as long as she let him knew when. She was disappointed therefore when she couldn't spot him anywhere.

"Tim picking you up?" Her partner Jamie asked as he gathered his bags.

"Apparently not." She sighed, still scanning the huddles of people.

Jamie followed her gaze and gave her a sympathetic smile as some of their colleagues brushed past mumbling goodbye's.

"You need a ride then? My wife's here, we have plenty room." He indicated to a woman sitting a few meters away from them with a sleepy toddler on her lap who raised her hand in welcome. "It's not a problem."

Delilah chewed her lip nervously and cast one more look through the airport.

"You're sure it's alright?"

"Honestly, your place is in the same direction anyway, don't worry about it." He smiled.

His wife, Hannah, was more than happy to drive Delilah home. She rode shotgun while Hannah drove and Jamie squashed into the backseat next to their daughter Ava. She had just turned two and was beginning to discover the power of the tantrum.

"So she threw herself onto the ground and just lay there for almost ten minutes before I eventually had to just pick her up and carry her around the place while she kicked and screamed. There were so many people staring as they went by. It's starting not to bother me as much though now, some people are just rude."

"Maybe if you'd given in and bought her it then she wouldn't have caused such a fuss."

"And that there Jamie, is why I never let you take her shopping alone." Hannah scolded, but flashed a grin all the same.

"Dad's and their girls, what can I say." Jamie shrugged.

"What about you Delilah? Do you and Tim have any kids?"

Delilah hesitated an answer, a little caught off guard at the conversation quickly being thrown to her.

"Um, no, Tim and I don't have any kids yet. To be honest, between his schedule and mine I don't think we'd have time to raise a child too." She smiled. "He's just been promoted to senior agent in his team so it's not so much more work but more responsibility and he's putting in a lot of extra hours at the minute so he doesn't fall behind with anything." She stretched the truth just a little bit.

"Well you're right, definitely sounds like the two of you don't have much time on your hands. I know what Jamie's schedule is like so I can imagine. It's lucky really I work from home these days otherwise Ava would practically be an orphan."

"Hey, come on, it's not that bad." Jamie frowned at her in the mirror noticing Delilah's immediate change in demeanour. "I'm sure it'll just take some getting used to with Tim anyway Delilah. Big changes always have a settling down period." Jamie reached over the seat to grip Delilah's shoulder and she offered a small smile in return.

When they reached the house it was in darkness and Jamie offered to take Delilah's bags in for her.

"Oh no, it's fine, really, I can manage. Thank you for the ride home though, I really appreciate it."

"Any time." Jamie, gave her shoulder another squeeze before jogging off back to the car.

When she entered the apartment she was glad she'd refused Jamie's offer of help.


	14. Chapter 14

_Oh Tim._ There was a litter of empty beer bottles scattered across the floor, an old take-out bag starting to smell by the couch, a stack of letters on the table and most importantly, no Tim. She shook her head in frustration. The door to the spare room was ajar so she cautiously navigated her way over and peeked inside. There were several boxes upturned with papers and computer equipment and a whole host of other things they'd left boxed up strewn over the length of the room. Some of the heavier boxes were still piled to the side, the occasional one at the opposite end of the room. It looked as though Tim had begun to sort through things and then thought better of it. There was an impressive dent she noticed in the wall opposite and the splintered pieces of Tim's typewriter not far from it. Next to the doorframe was a second, much lesser dent that looked as though it had dry blood streaked through it. At the other side sat an open box, the one that contained mostly photographs and old cards. It had been rummaged through and several things tossed haphazardly out of it. Beside it lay Tim's photo album, one crumpled page bent underneath. She picked it up and straightened the edges, the team photo from a few Christmases back sticking out. As she fixed it a second photograph fell to the floor, one she didn't think she'd ever seen, of Tim and Gibbs, must've been when Tim acquired his junior field agent status. She sighed, unfurling the creased edges and tucked it back into the album and returned it to its box. She closed the door softly behind her and shook her head once more at the state the place was in.

She shuffled through the letters Tim had left unopened, several just bills or junk mail, one which looked like a wedding invitation from her cousin and several unopened and addressed to Tim himself that, judging by the handwriting and alternating stamps, were from Tony. She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed heavily. She pulled out her cell and considering calling the office but it was late and without a doubt Tim would be back relatively soon. She didn't think she had the energy to have this kind of conversation tonight anyway. No sooner had she put away the phone and finished piling the bottles into a trash bag did the door click and a very bedraggled Tim stumble through.

He seemed at first to be completely unaware there was anyone else even in the apartment. He dropped his keys into the dish at the side and flopped onto the couch, rubbing his hands over his face. He looked a little thinner than he had before she'd left and a lot more worse for wear than she remembered. Still, she arranged her face into a smile.

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes Tim McGee."

Tim jumped faster than she'd seen him move in weeks and she guessed she was lucky he hadn't reached for his gun- she did really know better than to sneak up on an armed federal agent in his own home.

"Delilah." Tim breathed heavily. "Wow you scared me."

"Good to see you too." She snorted, smirking at his still shocked face. "I did text you know?"

Tim blushed.

"Um, yeah, I got it, I'm sorry, I got caught up at work and-"

"It's ok, don't worry about it Tim, how have you been?" She smiled, reaching for him to pull him into a hug. "I've missed you."

"I missed you too." He spoke into her shoulder.

She thought she felt his grip tighten as she loosened hers but seconds later he had sat himself back on the couch and was asking her about China. _Anything to deflect, eh Tim._

She asked him only once more how he'd been while she was away and received a similar response as before, " _So they got you back in straight away tomorrow?_ ". She didn't mention the beer bottles, the lack of food seemingly eaten out of the fridge, the pile of letters from Tony or the spare room. That would have to be a conversation when they were both a bit more coherent. She did question him on his hand, which was no longer strapped up but still carried a heavy black bruise- the second dent suddenly making a lot more sense- and his head where the steristrips were still in place. His reply that he got caught in a scuffle through work didn't sit right with her but she decided against questioning him for now. They just sat and watched a movie, ordered take-out that she watched him eat very little of and fell into bed, both equally exhausted. She'd watched him for a while as he slept, a hundred different thoughts running through her mind, of how he had really coped, of how much he was drinking, of how little he was eating, of his reluctance to talk to Tony, his poor attempt to keep in touch with her and now of what seemed like his very disturbed sleep. His hand twitched as he slept and his eyes squinted closed tighter as his head jerked and he let out a tiny whimper. She gently stroked her hands through his hair while hushing him as he flinched and only stopped a long while after Tim had once again settled. She fell into an uneasy sleep herself that night, her fingers wrapped around his and woke late the next day to find he'd already gotten up and left for work.


	15. Chapter 15

**So Grace has a plan, sort of, whether it works or not is a different matter, I honestly can't be sure how well Delilah is going to like someone poking into their lives so much but then she is at the end of her tether with Tim so she might just accept the help offered, Grace is sneaky so it isn't going to be as cut and dry as it may seem. Hopefully going to have a few updates in the next couple of days!**

It was unorthodox to say the least and not at all what she was in the habit of doing but someone had to do something, someone had to save the poor boy. Gibbs had eventually, after her last warning, dragged his sorry ass into a counselling session and had been as cooperative as she had expected. She'd received the report the next day.

Complaints of irritability, refusal to answer questions further than one or two words, his complete dismissal that there was anything wrong with him, his blatant refusal to answer any questions surrounding Ziva's death or Tony's departure at all, difficult, impatient; She had expected nothing less from Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Though she was surprised, and a little bit hurt, that he had actually gone to the session. Her plan to corner him into counselling in the hope he would talk more to her seemed to have backfired, technically, as long as he went to the sessions, whether he spoke or not, he was agreeing to meet her terms, and she was pissed at his deviousness.

The department shrink wasn't worried about him too much, she knew Gibbs' reputation as well as the next shrink and hadn't been entirely thrilled about landing the job anyway, but even she could see from the little Gibbs had said, that there were deep things troubling him and the less he talked about it the more his team was going to receive the backlash. Other agents had picked up on some of Gibbs' behaviour, the way he was so flighty and seemed to forever be yelling about something or other but no one dared to say that to his face. He was still Gibbs after all; respected by many, feared by the rest. As far as she was concerned he was putting no one in danger and was no risk to himself and therefore he didn't really need to be there, but Grace could be almost as scary as Gibbs when she wanted to be and so she had agreed to keep seeing him for the time being. Grace wasn't convinced of her assessment on that. Sure, he may not show signs of excessive risk taking or to be putting anyone in danger in what he was doing but his team were certainly suffering for it and all it took was for Gibbs to lose his cool or Tim to second guess his actions and it could end very badly for team Gibbs.

Tim was drowning and you didn't need to be a psychiatrist to see that. The few times she had been at the office she'd noticed his increasingly subdued behaviour, his lack of interaction with the rest of the team and his almost impulsive need to find something that would give Gibbs cause to actually not yell at him for a change. The others seemed to be getting on as well as could be. Bishop and Reeves both hadn't known Ziva so while they felt the affects her death had on the rest of them they weren't as haunted by it. Bishop had also known Tony a significantly shorter time than the others, though he was like a big brother to her she didn't have as strong a connection as he and Tim did. Reeves had only worked with him a handful of times so was probably least affected by his absence. Abby was being Abby and plodding on as she always did, Jimmy seemed to have gotten to a point where he almost accepted the things that happened a little too easily, Ducky was simply tired. Time was running away with all of them and they were wasting too much of it worrying and being so self-absorbed. If they had learnt anything over the years, it was that life really is too short. So there left Tim and the boss man himself, both equally struggling and both equally as vocal about it. Each time she saw him he seemed a little thinner, a little quieter and much more exhausted. She had caught snippets of conversation between Reeves and Bishop, Abby and Palmer, Abby and Ducky, each the same, concerned about how ill Tim seemed to look, how little he ate, how much sleep he was getting, or not getting and how he was coping, or not coping as the case may be. The team had noticed, the only person who seemed to not have was Gibbs.

She assumed he was drinking too. It was one of the oldest vices for people who were suffering from the sort of loss they all were and if Gibbs was anything to go by it wouldn't surprise her in the least. There had been days she'd caught a glimpse of him and he looked incredibly rough, as if he'd had the wildest night of his life the day before, but who was she to say that for definite? She hadn't heard the others say much to each other about it, though Abby did watch him particularly closely first thing on a morning and she wasn't one to make snap judgements about things like that. Whether he was or not it was obvious he was not coping incredibly well and Gibbs seemed either oblivious to his agent's suffering or was just choosing to ignore it. Grace wasn't happy with either. So she was going to do something about it because Gibbs wasn't listening and Tim seemed too wrapped up in his own head to grasp what he was doing to himself. So she was going to try and talk to Tim's girlfriend, because she needed to get through to at least one of them and because there was only one person she could think of who knew how the hell to get through to them both, but he was currently pre-occupied with bringing up a toddler amidst dealing with his own grief.


	16. Chapter 16

**Just a quick piece on how Grace's plan is coming along and how the situation is progressing between Tim and Delilah. Thanks to athea781 for the help with where to go with this when I hit a road block! Apologies for the delay in updating, had a busy couple of weeks- just starting my new university course so had very little free time- hopefully, lots of updates over the next couple of days, thanks for reading!**

Delilah was worried. Tim had gone AWOL. Abby had called a little after twelve to say that something had happened at work and Tim hadn't been seen since. She was a little foggy on the details but from what she could gather it hadn't been down to Gibbs this time- apparently there had been some issue during an interview and Tim had left saying he needed some air and hadn't been seen since. She'd found out, from none such as Gibbs' own therapist that he and Tim were having problems at work, both were struggling without Tony and Tim had been taking the brunt of Gibbs' increasingly bad mood. Gibbs had called him Tony several times by accident which had led to Tim flipping out at him and storming away on more than one occasion, Abby had told her Tim had been ignoring most of their attempts to get him to talk about things, he'd deflected Ducky's questions, refused to meet up with her and Bishop, hadn't gone to visit Victoria on her birthday with the rest of the team and hadn't spoken to Tony in a very long time. She'd bumped into Grace as she was going to drop something in for Abby, and use it as an excuse to check on Tim, and had ended up going to coffee with her and having quite the conversation.

...

Grace was sat up in the Navy Yard watching the stream of people trail in and out of building. It was raining, again, turning into quite a damp fall and she was hiding out under the cover near the coffee stall hoping to catch a glimpse of one of three people, two of which she knew would be particularly unhappy to see her. She spotted her the second she sloshed through the gates in a blue overcoat, hair being whipped about in the wind, held in place only just by a thick wooly hat. She had seen a photograph on Tim's desk and had quite the photographic memory so that she recognised her instantly.

"Excuse me, Delilah?"

Delilah eyed her suspiciously as she made her way towards the entrance.

"And you are?"

"Name's Grace, can we talk maybe some place out of the rain?" she grimaced.

Delilah was wary, she looked back to the office and then over to the security guards at the entrances, surely they weren't in the habit of just letting anyone in; the name Grace rang a bell somewhere.

"How did you say you knew me?"

"I didn't," Grace smiled. "But I'm a friend of Gibbs' and I know that sweet boy of yours, Tim."

"Gibbs' friend?" Delilah raised an eyebrow, taking an extra glance to the red hair and haughty appearance.

"Therapist honey, I'm no wife of his, couldn't pay me enough."

Delilah gave half a smile.

"What was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Tim, mostly. Can we go somewhere," she indicated to the increasingly heavy rain. "a little less wet?"

She told her everything she knew about Tim from Abby and discussed a little about what she'd seen between him and Gibbs, she had said how tightly wound both of them were and how neither one seemed to know how to talk to the other anymore, Gibbs was trying too hard to hold on to Tim by doing his best to keep him at arms length and Tim was seeing it as a personal attack on him and his abilities as an agent, neither one of them seemed to be clever enough to work it out. They were hurting just the same and the same feelings they had were causing a magnet effect, pushing them apart instead of bringing them together.

"Ok, so what do we do?"

"Well so far anything short of knocking their heads together hasn't worked. Counselling, yelling, Gibbs is still as stubborn and Tim, he's seemingly untouchable, practically sprinted when he caught sight of me a few days ago, but then maybe I didn't help the situation between Gibbs and him all that much from the start." Grace frowned.

"Yeah well Tim doesn't really need much of an excuse to go off on one himself these days, Abby called to say he's gone missing." Delilah sighed. "So, short of beating the sense into them?"

"Maybe I should switch tactics." Grace scrunched up her face in thought.

"Meaning?" Delilah pressed.

"Tim needs supporting right now, Gibbs needs more of a wake up call. Maybe getting that in the form of friends and family would do him better than getting it from me."

"So like an intervention?"

"Exactly." Grace smiled. "Maybe if he hears it from someone as close to Tim as you it will resonate with him a little more just what he's doing."

"So we switch, you take Tim and I take the bear that is Gibbs?" Delilah raised an eyebrow.

Grace smirked.

"Oh I think he'd appreciate the feistiness from someone like you."

…

So they had a plan. Of course when Tim showed up back at home a few hours later smelling of stale beer and nuts it wasn't hard for Delilah to guess where he'd spent most of his afternoon. He came in, made to grab a beer from the fridge but was stopped by Delilah blocking his path. They'd stared at each other in silence for several seconds before he'd turned away and slammed the bedroom door behind him. Delilah had let herself cry that night, with the TV turned so loud Tim wouldn't hear her. She didn't know what to do with him anymore, every time she tried to get through to him he pushed her further away. She'd cried herself to sleep on the couch and vaguely remembered Tim walking through and draping a blanket over her sometime in the early hours. Maybe he felt guilty, maybe her Tim was still there just buried under all the anger and grief and misunderstanding. Hopefully Grace could get somewhere, because she sure as hell couldn't keep living like this.


	17. Chapter 17

Gibbs had been decidedly angry since Tim's disappearing act and no amount of caffeine seemed capable of shifting his mood. The team in the squadroom of course were bearing the brunt of it but even Abby had had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of Gibbs temper in the last few days, something she had been not so pleased about. As a consequence, he'd had to sit through twenty minutes of her signing profanities and angry words at him because she had been too furious to talk, _'Just because you are having a tough time doesn't mean you have to take it out on everyone else. We did nothing wrong. You need to stop being such an ass and start taking better care of your team instead of treating them like crap. And you need to sort out your attitude to everyone else. We all hurt Gibbs, you're not the one and only person all of this has affected. Sort it out and don't even think about apologising until you mean it',_ had been just some of the conversation.

He had apologised, after leaving enough time to let Abby settle back down to her usual self but she hadn't taken it lightly and was still being a little colder towards him than normal. Ducky was also pretty annoyed at him after he yelled at Palmer for missing something on the body before Ducky took a look and had been in turn yelled at by Ducky for reprimanding his staff and _sticking his oar in where it wasn't required._ He'd even managed to accidently upset Bishop the day before which caused quite a rift in the squadroom and Reeves had been giving him the cold shoulder since, it seemed he and Bishop had bonded in recent weeks due to Tim's lack of interest in socialising with them.

Tim of course, if you had of asked him, would have been the problem. Tim and his flippant moods, Tim and his lack of communication, Tim and his lack of commitment to his work, Tim, in general. But Tim wasn't just the problem, Gibbs was too and though he would never have admitted it, that was what was making him angry the most. They had barely spoken two words to each other since Tim's most recent walk out and though he was receiving reports and leads on the case, there was very little detail in anything he handed him and something seemed to always be slightly off with his notes. Gibbs had noticed the stale alcohol smell on the days Tim seemed most rough, he'd have been a fool not to, but had been too wrapped up in everything else that he didn't question him over it. He was still showing up to work and seemed pretty capable of managing so who was he to make a point of bringing it up. Delilah had tried calling him on occasion too, had left a few messages and even text him, all of which Gibbs had systematically ignored. It wasn't that he didn't care for Tim, of course he did, but this was something Tim needed to figure out on his own. He would come when he needed to, Gibbs was sure of it, and until then they had to let him ride out whatever storm was happening inside his head.

The problem was the storm in Tim's head was getting bigger and more out of control as the days went by. He barely registered half of what the others said to him in the mornings anymore, barely slept, barely ate, and he neither knew nor cared if any of them noticed. He just about got by at work, he could function enough to do his job, maybe not to the best of his abilities but to a reasonable standard, nothing quite a patch on what he had been like before and even further from anything Tony had been like, even when his head had been messed up over Jeanne, over Ziva, over his father. Maybe he had given up trying to keep up to Tony or his former self because he knew whatever he did Gibbs would never see it as good enough. He was Tim, not Tony, and how could he be.

Gibbs closed his eyes and sighed heavily into his hands as he recalled the events of the day before yet again. It was not a situation he had ever pictured them being in and up until then he never doubted his team wouldn't be able to handle. Maybe that was supposed to be the point he flipped into Papa Gibbs mode or crazy, angry, boss Gibbs. He'd been neither at the time.

They'd been working the scene for much longer than he'd wanted to. The weather was getting increasingly worse and the cold conditions had done nothing for any of their moods. Bishop and Reeves were only just talking to him, Tim was as silent as ever. Ducky and Palmer had been and gone and Reeves and Tim had just finished taking the evidence back to the van when the guy had showed up out of nowhere. An ex-marine, clearly deranged, the same one they were looking at for murdering his ex-wife who'd just been carted off to autopsy, yelling furiously at them and brandishing a gun in the air. He and Bishop had just come out of the door when the guy started waving the gun at Reeves and Tim. Reeves had automatically pulled out his own gun the second he'd seen the guy but Gibbs had watched Tim hesitate, his hand at his hip but his slight reluctance to draw it. He and Bishop had taken their own and made towards him when he turned on Tim. If it hadn't been for Reeves Tim would not have lived to tell the tale.

And what had Gibbs done for it? Nothing. Bishop and Reeves had stayed silent the whole ride back, waiting for Gibbs to blow his top at his _supposed_ senior field agent. Tim had just almost gotten himself killed and Gibbs was either stewing with anger or just didn't care. They had figured he would take Tim aside once they got back to the office but he didn't. He went to his desk, Tim to his and they worked in silence until Abby called to say she'd found something. They'd discussed it later with Ducky, how Gibbs hadn't even batted an eyelid at the mistake and he had been more than angry. They'd overheard a very loud conversation later between he and Gibbs but Tim had left without even a warning, without Gibbs even asking if he was ok, without a single word at all, and they weren't sure how comfortable they felt about that.

Gibbs had not told Ducky his reasons for ignoring Tim blatant error. He hadn't told any of them for that matter, he'd taken the lecture from Ducky, the shrug from Abby and the wide eyed stares from Ellie and Clayton. He wasn't about to pull Tim aside and shout and scream, turn him in to Vance, have his gun taken off him. No. That would only exacerbate the situation between them and as much as his heart had pounded in his chest when that crazy man had almost pulled the trigger, it would be ten times worse if his reprimanding of Tim lead to him turning his back completely.


	18. Chapter 18

**So we're getting there guys, things are going to get pretty interesting in the next few chapters. Meant to post this a few days ago but only just got around to it, more to come, I promise!**

The office was fairly quiet for a Thursday night. There were a few agents dotted about, making phone calls, finishing up reports, just generally working through the night, the dull light in the room casting shadows back and forth. There was little movement and barely a sound except the tapping of keyboards and hushed voices over the phone. Nobody so much as even glanced up as the elevator dinged.

Tim was sat at the desk, a pile of paperwork a mile high at his side, flicking through the case file in his hand without much interest and looking as though he was struggling to keep his eyes open even though it was barely 23:00. The others had left several hours earlier. Ellie and Clayton had tried inviting him to a movie and bring Delilah along but he'd shrugged it off, not wanting to cramp their style- they seemed to be getting ever closer these days. Gibbs had gone not long later, paused for a split second at Tim's desk but had seemingly changed his mind about whatever he was going to say and carried on out leaving Tim to it. He'd text Delilah not long after to say he was staying late to catch up on work and to not wait up for him.

Grace watched him from her spot just past the elevator until he yawned and rubbed a hand over his face.

"Burning the midnight oil I see." She smiled over the dividers. Tim looked up surprised and a little confused. "Delilah told me where I could find you."

Tim looked even more confused by this news, _how the hell does she know Delilah?_ but darted his eyes around to the corners of the room.

"Gibbs isn't here honey, no one but us and those crazy workaholics over there." She inclined her head to the agents opposite. "And me and Delilah, well, we bumped into each other."

Tim sighed and dropped his head, squeezing the bridge of his nose. _I can really do without this right now._

"Hey, you don't wanna talk that's fine," Grace held her hands up, reading his thoughts again. "But if you could listen that would be a great help."

She strolled around to Ellie's desk and wheeled the chair out to face McGee's.

"I just want to talk, not about Gibbs, well, that's a lie, it's a little about Gibbs," Tim rolled his eyes. "Mostly it's about you."

Tim didn't quite make eye contact as he said, "I'm fine." yet again.

"That is BS and you know it." Grace scolded. "Tim, no one is expecting you to be fine. What you've been through, what you've all been through but especially you, no one could be expected you to just be _fine_ with that." Tim made to open his mouth but was cut off. "Not even the great Leroy Jethro Gibbs." She finished softer.

Tim looked away, shaking his head in disbelief. _You have no idea lady._

"I know he doesn't, because he's not fine either, no matter how loudly he yells it too." Grace added. "But this isn't about him now, not entirely anyway, this is about you. Tim, you have everyone who cares about you very worried. I know you're drinking too much, not eating, not sleeping well, working too hard, pushing yourself too hard. I know you're hurting but what you're doing is unhealthy and unsafe, surely you know that."

Tim stayed silent, his hands trembling slightly, he felt the same way he had done that time Gibbs had been going on and on at him but was determined not to blow his top this time, not in full view of a shrink.

"Delilah's worried, she told me you've hardly spoken to her properly since everything happened." Tim stayed silent. "I know it's been a lot, Ziva's death, Tony leaving, having to deal with Gibbs' moods on top of all that. I just want to help, or try to anyway."

Tim scoffed and folded his arms across his chest., eyes trained on a spot on the desk in front.

"I heard about what happened at the crime scene yesterday." Grace lowered her voice. "Tim, that is serious, you could have been hurt, or worse, and Gibbs should have done something about it."

"But he didn't did he!" Tim couldn't control himself. "He didn't do anything, he didn't say anything, he didn't report me to Vance or send me to Ducky or have my gun pulled, he didn't do anything, and why do you think that is? Because Gibbs doesn't give a damn anymore, hasn't for a long time." He returned his hands to his knees and clenched his fists together in frustration at himself.

Grace was quiet, carefully taking in every word he was saying.

"Tim, you didn't, deliberately not pull-"

"I don't have a death wish." Tim snapped.

"Ok, because if you did, Tim that would be really-"

"I didn't alright, I- I don't know what happened, I just froze, I hesitated, I should have known better." Tim gritted.

Grace could see the tears attempting to form and Tim's determination not to cry in front of her.

"Tim, what happened yesterday is very serious, it should have warranted a mandatory eval or you demoted to desk duty at the very least. That Gibbs did nothing is wrong, very wrong and he needs to know that too but what happened, that's on you and you need to understand that."

Tim looked away, unable to face her. He knew this, all of this, it had been going round in his head for two days now but what was he supposed to do about it? He couldn't take himself off the job, it would drive him even more insane having nothing to do.

"You need to talk Tim, to your friends or your family but most importantly I think, to someone like me. Surely you know this is getting out of hand now? It's too much and you can't keep doing this alone." Grace sighed.

"I just- I don't know how I'm supposed this person anymore." Tim choked.

"What person is that?"

"This person that Gibbs and everyone thinks I am, this amazing senior agent and great friend and wonderful boyfriend. Ziva's death. It just hit home how fragile our lives are doing this job. She'd been out of Mossad for years, she'd been out of this for years and yet her past still caught up with her." His voice was cracking and the tears were there for real now and he did nothing to stop them anymore.

"What happened to Ziva was to do with her father, it wasn't for anything that happened here."

"Yeah, but Kort wouldn't even know Ziva if it wasn't for this job. She wouldn't have been as much of a target."

"And you wouldn't have known her either." Grace reached out to grab a shaking Tim's hand. "This Kort guy would have found her whether he knew her already or not. She had her father's name. This job, your past, it's what makes you who you are and that isn't a bad thing Tim." She paused. "What is this really about?"

She could see how much he was struggling with this, things he hadn't said out loud to anyone and now she was making him face up to it. Yes, he was grieving, in more than one way and yes he was having a tough time with Gibbs, but this wasn't just about that. He was worried about the job, what it could cost them in the long run but even with that there was more. It ran much deeper.

"I just don't know if I can do this anymore." Tim put his head to his hands. "I haven't been the best agent recently but I just can't seem to get it back. Gibbs is angry, I get that, but I can't be what he wants."

"You think he wants you to be what, Tony? Because Tony is better than you?"

Tim met her gaze.

"I can't be Tony."

"So don't be Tony. Trust me, no one expects you to be Tony, Tim. Least of all Gibbs. He's got his own demons he's wrestling with but that doesn't mean he thinks any less of you for taking on Tony's role. If anything, it makes him prouder, and that's what he can't handle. He misses him and he misses her, as he should, but the idea of you being closer to the firing line has his head a mess. He won't admit it of course, but it's plain, for someone like me anyway, he cares, just too much, and that's why he does nothing. It doesn't quite make sense but then, it is Gibbs."

Tim sat, pensive. She was right, it didn't make sense and he didn't understand it, but then, maybe he didn't understand himself all that much at the minute either, maybe that's where he and Gibbs were stuck, that neither of them were doing things that made sense. He was pushing them all away and his drinking _was_ getting a little too excessive and now, after yesterday, he was at his breaking point. He hadn't told Delilah about the crime scene so he could only imagine one of the others had spoken to her or Grace about it. He had been doing his best to avoid Delilah as much as possible, something that he also regretted but he didn't see any other way of dealing with everything. The people they loved the most were always the ones to get hurt, always the ones to suffer and he wasn't exactly measuring up to be the kind of man Delilah needed in her life these days. Grace was right, it had gone on too long, only now he wasn't sure he could come back from it.

He was only vaguely aware of movement across the room before a voice hit him.

"Well hey there McStranger."


	19. Chapter 19

**So yes! Tony has returned to hopefully knock some sense into those crazy people he calls family. However before we get into Tony and Tim, Gibbs has a visitor of his own that will, with luck, push him a little in the right direction. Gibbs is seemingly being pretty blind to Tim's obvious distress but he's not as unaware as he seems, he simply doesn't know how to deal with Tim. So what does he do? He doesn't.**

Gibbs had been working his frustrations out on the boat since he got back from the office. The bourbon he had poured over an hour ago was still sitting on the side. He was nursing it slowly in an attempt to keep a clear head for once, for some reason he felt he needed to. His gut was churning and he was too well accustomed to it to know it wasn't just because he hadn't eaten since lunch.

He was beating himself up for not stopping and talking to Tim that night as he'd left. He had hated the idea of leaving him there alone, but with Tim's refusal to even so much as meet his eye was there any point in trying to force him into a conversation he clearly didn't want to have? It was highly likely it would end up an argument. Tim puzzled him. Tim was adamant he was dealing, that he was fine, and despite it being painfully obvious that he wasn't, just accepting it and walking away seemed easier than forcing the truth out of him. Cowards way out maybe, but was he really supposed to take all the responsibility for Tim's state of mind? Tim wasn't an idiot, so why should he treat him like one. Usually he would have given himself a headslap, for thinking like that, because Tim's state of mind was very much his responsibility, especially when it came to fiascos in the field, but he was doing that too often these days that that didn't seem like it was working either.

Gibbs was so engrossed in his own thoughts he barely heard the knock at the door over the sound of the hammer. He briefly checked the time as he set the tools down, 22:40, not really late but not early either. He could hear the distant hum of an engine outside and pondered the people it could be as he took the steps two at a time. The team would never knock, they knew where to find him if they needed him. At the door he didn't bother checking through the glass panel, it was too dark out anyway and the only light in the living room came from an old lamp by the couch.

Delilah sat there at his doorstep, a grave look on her face and his stomach back-flipped at the sight. _This can't be good._ He squinted across to where he now noticed Abby's car was parked and watched her drive away as Delilah waved a hand to her; clearly she was still pissed at him.

"Can we talk?" Delilah asked.

Her tone wasn't threatening, it wasn't even really angry, but she had an air of annoyance about her that clearly said, _I'm not in the mood for messing about_ , so he could tell it wasn't exactly going to be an enjoyable conversation, and he would have put money on why.

He stepped aside and helped her into the house all the while not saying a word. Tim was one thing, Abby a very other but Delilah coming to speak to him, this was on a whole different level.

"Tea? Water? Bourbon?" He offered.

Delilah shook her head and spun the chair to face him, pointing to the couch for him to sit. He did.

"Delilah look, if this is about what happened at the crime scene-"

"Oh it will be, but I have plenty other things to say before we get to that."

Gibbs closed his mouth and stayed silent. Her voice was strained, as though her throat was tight in anticipation of crying and he knew his best bet for getting out of this conversation alive was to let her go with whatever she had to say.

"First, well, I don't even know what to say first. I had this whole speech lined up in my head of what to say and in what order and now I just don't even know."

Gibbs looked uncomfortably to the fireplace and back to her, she was watching him with a steely expression.

"Just who in the hell do you think you are Gibbs?"

Gibbs swallowed hard _._

"I hope you realise the _only_ reason I haven't been around earlier and beat you round the head with a stick is because I had no idea that things between you and Tim were so bad. I mean Abby had said the two of you weren't getting on the best, that you were both struggling with everything that had happened, were giving each other the silent treatment but seriously Gibbs, what you have done to Tim isn't even bordering on bullying him, it's just being downright awful Gibbs."

Fury radiated from every inch of her and Gibbs was watching the fire building in her eyes that he knew would cause her to flip.

"You call him Tony, you headslap him for stupid things, you yell at him, degrade him in front of his colleagues, his friends, you push and push him and for what? He is your senior field agent Gibbs, he's not a rubber band. You can't stretch him until he snaps. Unless that's what you want? You want him to snap Gibbs? Because believe me, he is at the verge of it. He is drinking too much, punching holes in walls and smashing up things that mean the world to him, sleeping, not nearly enough, he has nightmares, he talks in his sleep you know too, says your name a lot, and Tony's. He is angry and depressed all of the time and I just assumed it was the grief but then I find out that he _actually_ hesitated in pulling his weapon on some mad man holding a gun in his face and you did absolutely nothing about it! Are you insane Gibbs!? I mean have you actually lost your mind or do you genuinely feel nothing for the man you've worked with for thirteen years!?"

Her fists were clenched and shaking, her cheeks wet and her breathing ragged and Gibbs deserved everything she was giving him. He sat for a minute, taking in her angry words and trying to come up with a reason in his head for everything he had done over the last three months. He had nothing. He was a jerk, a bastard, and that was the be all and end all of it. He wasn't fit to have a team as great as he had and a senior agent as dedicated as he did, he deserved the yelling because in truth, he knew he needed it.

Her heart rate back to normal Delilah took a low breath before she spoke again.

"This has to stop Gibbs. Both of you. You're hurting each other and yourselves in the process and it's not fair. Not on either of you. Gibbs, what you lost, everything over the years, I can't imagine, and then Ziva too, I know how much you cared for her, even after all these years of never hearing from her, but Tim lost too, he lost his sister and then Tony left, and he left you both here, in the middle of dealing with a death and the knowledge that he and Ziva had a child and that they were as close as you all guessed but never knew for certain, but he left you _both_. You had each other, and now, I'm not so sure what either of you have now, but a relationship is far from it. This is a mess. You are _both_ a mess. And it needs to stop, because I can't take him anymore and you can't keep doing this. You're not punishing yourself anymore Gibbs, you're punishing Tim, and neither of you are any better off for it."

Gibbs' own eyes were damp now and he met Delilah's with trepidation. She was right, of course he knew that, he had been battling with knowing this for months, his problem had always been not knowing how to fix it, so he didn't, he just let it carry on and the worse he felt the more frustrated he got at himself the more he took it out on Tim and then the worse he felt. It was like a vicious circle. Tony was gone and he was losing his only other son in the meantime all because he couldn't deal with his own feelings. It was crazy, but he didn't know any better, he didn't know Tim like he did the rest, so he didn't try too hard, he figured Tim would come to him and yell and make him listen, as Ziva and Tony and Abby had all before him.

Tim was different though. Tim was like him. Tried not to wear his heart too much on his sleeve. Tried not to let everything get the better of him. Tried to pretend like it wasn't happening. And Gibbs should have seen it before anyone else, because he saw it every time he looked in the mirror. He missed it, and now maybe he'd blown it all for good.


	20. Chapter 20

**This piece has a second half to it, it was all together but I realised it was incredibly long that way so I've split it and with a bit of luck will upload the next bit tomorrow. Tim is a little bit worse than Tony anticipated but if anyone can properly get through to him Tony can, and if not, there's always that cute little toddler...**

 _"Well hey there McStranger."_

Tim looked up in shock at Tony's voice. He blinked heavily, unsure whether Tony was actually there standing in front of him or if his overtired brain was playing tricks. There he was though, Tali draped over his shoulder, her arms wrapped around his neck, using him as a pillow. They had clearly been home since Tony had nothing but a backpack slung over his shoulder and Tim wondered for a second if he'd been to his place before here.

Grace turned back to Tim having glanced over her shoulder, a smile playing at her lips, _so Delilah managed to get in touch with him after all._ This had been their back-up. Delilah knew Tony was planning on returning to DC soon and after a concerned phone call he had agreed that home was where he was needed the most, the rest of the world could wait, at least for now.

She gave Tim's arm a gentle squeeze to tug him out of the shock a little. She just caught his eye as she pressed a card into his hand.

"I think we're good for now. If and when you need it Tim."

She nodded to his hand and turned away, exchanging a smile with Tony as she passed. Tony tilted his head at Tim.

"Ex-wife?"

"Shrink." Tim muttered.

"Didn't have you down for that kind of thing Timmy." He raised an eyebrow, smirking. "Not that it's a bad thing, I went to therapy remember." He shrugged at Tim's expression. "Well, don't I get a hug or a handshake, or a hello at least?"

Tim stumbled to his feet and Tony frowned slightly as he caught his leg on the desk in his hurry to move around it but quickly transformed his face back to a smile before he noticed. Tim clumsily took his hand and forced a smile.

"What are you doing here Tony?"

"Figured maybe I'd been away long enough. Was starting to miss the orange walls." Tony glanced around the room smiling at the familiarity.

Tim had dropped back to his blank expression as Tony took in the room.

"Besides, had to come home at some point."

"You didn't _have_ to." Tim bit.

Tony recognised the bitterness in his voice but ignored it for now.

"You telling me you didn't miss me probie?"

"I didn't miss being called probie for one." He sighed.

Tim turned back to the desk and flopped into the chair. He was very aware of the strange look Tony was giving him and was unsure if it was because he knew what had been going on in his absence or because Tim was currently sitting in _his_ chair.

"Suits you." Tim looked up, puzzled. "The desk McGee, like it was meant to be." He offered an encouraging smile which Tim snorted at.

"Maybe you should tell some other people that." He muttered, just loud enough for Tony to hear.

 _Ok, you want to play it like this Timmy? Bite the bullet Anthony, Timothy is clearly not in the mood for small talk._

"So, what's up?"

"Difficult case, decided to work late." Tim raked a hand through his hair. "Same old, same old."

Tony gave him a pointed look.

"That's not what I meant Tim."

Tim stared back.

"I'm fine."

"Ok say that again but mean it." Tony raised an eyebrow at him, Tim looked to the floor.

"I am fine."

"You look it, half a beard on your face, bags under your eyes heavier than Abby's go-bag,"

"Charming as ever."

"I mean look how pale you are." Tony waved a hand at him.

"Anyone would look pale next to that tan DiNozzo." Tim scoffed.

Tony half smiled and Tim's lip twitched before he looked to Tali.

"She's grown."

"Yeah well it has been a few months and I can't remember the last time I spoke to you never mind video chatted."

"She looks more and more like Ziva as the weeks go by." Tim ignored the comment.

Tony stroked a loose strand of hair from her face.

"She's growing too fast."

"How was Paris?"

"Don't do this Tim."

"Do what?"

"Deflect."

Silence filled the space between them and Tim's expression turned sombre.

"They're all worried you know. I mean me I could understand you not having as much time for but after about a week and a half I figured you were avoiding me. I thought it was just me until I had phone call after phone call from Abby, Bishop, Delilah, even Palmer texted."

"We've had a lot of work."

"Don't use that excuse Tim, you work with 90% of them and live with the other 10%. They really are worried about you."

"Yeah I thought as much with the constant barrage of texts, calls, sympathetic smiles,"

Tony shook his head.

"They're your family Timmy. Why you pushing them away?"

Tim turned his face away as Tony adjusted his hold on a stirring Tali.

What did Tony know? Gibbs had never doubted him, even after the crap with Jenny and Jeanne, after everything that had happened when Gibbs had been shot by Luke, not once had Gibbs ever not had complete trust in Tony's ability to do his job. Tony didn't know, so why was he trying to act like he understood. He was doing the same thing they all had, the sympathetic looks and the asking what was wrong, why was he acting this way. How would any of them know, handpicked, the lot of them, even down to Abby. And then there was him, Timothy McGee, green junior agent, idiot with a gun who killed a cop, agent who had almost killed his career by protecting his sister, always last on the totem pole, first to receive the brunt of Gibbs anger, especially now he was sitting directly in the firing line. Tony had never had this problem, so what did he know.

"Tim, are you even listening?" Tony's voice brought him back to earth.

Tony had expected trouble, expected for Tim to be distant and difficult and everything else that the others had told him he had been, but this was beyond what he had bargained for. Tim was lost. He didn't feel he belonged anymore, that much was clear, he was trying too hard to keep going that he was losing himself in the process. Maybe his shoes had been big ones to fill but he had never doubted Tim for a second, and nor had anyone else, other than Tim it seemed.

"McGee."

"What do you want me to say Tony? That things have been difficult, yeah they have, that Gibbs has been an ass, yeah he has been, you weren't here though Tony, what were you going to do hundreds of miles away? You had your own head to sort out, why burden you with mine."

"Have you completely lost it Tim?" Tony rose his voice only slightly, increasing his grip on Tali as he leant forwards to stare straight at him. "After everything over the years, everything we've lost, everything we've been through together, I don't understand why you couldn't just say _something_."

"You don't get it Tony."

"Then make me get it."

Tim twisted his lip in his teeth.

"McGee! Tell me."

"Fine!" Tim snapped. "You know, all these years you've been the number two, Gibbs right hand man, the two of you making jokes, catching bad guys and the rest of us, yeah we were part of the team too but you and Gibbs, you connected, you got him. I don't. You left me in a job that I never asked for, trying to compete against the ghost of you for Gibbs approval. Do you know how difficult it is to walk in everyday and sit in the desk of a guy who you admired for so long, who was a great agent and to be looked at as if a bad replacement? We never talk about you, no one even so much as mentions Ziva's name anymore, nobody deals with the fact our _'family'_ got torn in two that day that Kort decided to play God. We all broke but we couldn't just ditch and go soul searching, we had to stay behind and continue like nothing happened. You upped and left Tony, you don't know what it was like being left with all of this. You weren't here."

His voice cracked at his last few words and the tears threatened to fall again but he pushed them back down this time. Tony stared, wide eyed at him, he barely even recognised this Tim he'd come back to, this wasn't McGee and his words stung a little. Maybe he was right. Maybe they were all broken. Maybe more than they all realised.


	21. Chapter 21

**So Tim is wrestling with so much here, guilt, anger, loneliness, not being good enough, I feel like they've left a lot of things unsaid but it's Tony and Tim, half the time they don't even need to speak to understand what the other is thinking or feeling. Tony seems to have brought Tim back up to the surface and now maybe he can begin to come to terms with things a little better, fixing what is broken between him and Gibbs and everyone else may take a little longer than expected and maybe a little more input from Tony, especially on the Gibbs front. Bit foggy on dates for ages so it was a bit of a stab in the dark for Tali but I figured Tim needed a bit more of a nudge before he would properly listen to what Tony had to say. Thanks for reading guys!**

"Tim,"

"Delilah tell you what happened at the scene? Seems like she told you everything else." Tim snapped, cutting him off.

"What? No, what scene?"

"Not surprising, not exactly something you'd go bragging about, your boyfriend going probie after fourteen years on the job." Tim snorted.

"McGee what the hell are you talking about? What did you do?"

"Hesitated, would've got myself killed if it wasn't for Reeves, though Gibbs didn't seem to think it was a big deal." He gritted.

"Tim are you serious?"

"Don't blame him, I'd be embarrassed to have an agent like that on my team too. Ducky gave him what for and Grace said he was wrong for it, didn't surprise me though, less paperwork for him."

"McGee!"

Tim glared at him, pain masked behind the anger in his eyes. This _was_ worse than he had anticipated. The was bad. Tim needed help.

"Tim,"

Tony was interrupted this time by Tali stretching a fist into his face and sitting bolt upright at the unfamiliar room she was in.

"Abba." She nestled her head into Tony's neck when she realised she was still in his arms and yawned again. "Abba."

"Hey Tali, did you sleep good?" Tony smiled.

Tali nodded her head into him and attempted to curl into a ball. Tim watched, feeling less angry as the seconds went by and more guilty for accusing Tony of ditching them when things were tough. Tony had been thrown a curve ball in the form of the two-year-old opposite and Tim couldn't have said he would have handled it any better. Tony met his gaze and offered a small smile.

"Hey Tali," he bounced her up in his arms so she looked at him. "Why don't you say hi?" he grinned, nodding to Tim.

Tali whipped her head around to see him and rubbed her eyes sleepily before breaking into a smile and waving a small hand in the air.

"Hi Uckle Tim."

Tim thought his heart might melt. Her thick with sleep, slightly accented words brought him momentarily out of the dark and he found himself choked with emotion.

"Hey Tali." He breathed when he eventually found his voice.

Tony was watching the exchange with a great deal of interest. He had never told Tim he was teaching Tali to call him Uncle, she had already vaguely recognised him from some photos- another sign Ziva had at least mentioned them to her- and Tony was determined that once he was back in DC, whenever that might have been, Tim would be a crucial part of Tali's life. She had family here and he wasn't about to let her forget it.

Before Tim could object Tony had passed her off to him and settled into the chair Grace had vacated earlier. Tony fished Kelev out of the backpack and she settled comfortably against Tim's chest, yawning once again. Tim gripped her tight to him and watched her every move carefully.

"Think she likes you Uncle Tim." Tony smiled as Tali blinked heavily and turned her face into him.

Tim brushed her hair from her face and attempted to smile back.

"Uncle Tim."

"Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Tony watched him struggle to comprehend his new title. It did indeed roll nicely off the tongue and the way Tali could barely pronounce Uncle made it all the more adorable. He was worried though that Tim had gone from looking like he was about to kill someone to looking like he was about to burst into tears.

"Tim, I didn't mean to get at you before. I know I can't imagine the stuff that's gone on while I haven't been here and I know Gibbs has been a jerk, I just thought that we had something, that you would confide in me when things got tough. You know what you've done is reckless and stupid, not exactly surprising given everything that happened and what you've said but seriously Tim, do you know how much it would hurt me if something happened to you? You're like my brother Tim, I hate that you've been dealing with all of this alone anyway but the drinking, the not sleeping, what could have happened at the scene is really serious McGee, and everyone's right, Gibbs was not right to do nothing, I'm not surprised Ducky flipped at him because really, that is just beyond stupid. It's hard to see you like this and know that you kept it from me for so long. It sounds cheesy but I love you Tim, you're my best friend and I hate seeing you like this."

Tim didn't once take his eyes off Tali while Tony spoke, his voice low and hushed to accommodate the flagging toddler between them.

"I didn't know how to tell you." Tim whispered back.

Tim sounded so defeated, so beaten and worn down that for once in his life Tony couldn't think of anything to say back.

"I never knew Gibbs well enough to do this. I thought he cared about us all but you leaving, something in him snapped, it was like he didn't know how to be with us anymore and I think I reminded him too much of everything. We lost Kate, we lost Ziva and now you were gone too and I was all that was left and I represented everything before. He's hurting and I get that but I was hurt too Tony, I loved Ziva, she was like a sister to me and I would have fought for her til the last breath. She didn't stand a chance and now, she's just gone and for what Tony?"

Tony contemplated a short while, watching Tim struggle with this all in his head, things he'd thought but never said. Always his downfall; thinking too much and not speaking enough.

"You know, I ask myself that every day. For that split second I wake up and I kid myself she's not gone, that she's still here, and then I remember everything about that day, seeing the bombing on the news, holding her necklace while I called her, my Dad going to my place to help me pack, you and Abby showing up at my door, yelling at Gibbs, yelling at my Dad, crying myself to sleep that night with her necklace still in my hand, then I get to the next day and I stop. Because I remember the one good thing that came out of it, the thing lying ten feet away from me in the next room in her pink pj's with Kelev wrapped in her arms, with her Mom's smile and my eyes and I remember that there was light amongst the dark, light in the form of that little girl in your arms McGee. There may not have been a reason, there never is, but there is something to hold onto, Tali."

Tim's eyes were wet again but this time were firmly locked on Tony's.

"She gave me purpose, and I know, we left and you didn't have that to hold on to but you always had us McGee, and I thought you and Gibbs would be closer for it. He does care Tim, it's just, he's Gibbs, and you're right, you two don't know each other or get each other as well as he and I did, or do, and you both, more so Gibbs, have a lot to do to make up for these past few months, but honestly, you have no idea how alike you are." Tony smirked. "It's amazing, for being such a smart guy you really don't know yourself all that well McGoo."

Tim smiled, a small one but it was still there. Tony moved the chair to sit next to him instead while Tim's expression turned grave once more.

"But with Kort, Tony I could've, I should've realised sooner, Kort-"

"Played all of us." Tony cut over. "Tim, what happened was not your fault. It was nobody's fault other than Kort's." Tony brought his hands to rest on Tim's shoulders. "Timmy, she would have been proud of what you've done, she wouldn't want you feeling guilty for it."

Tim felt his eyes fill again and quickly wiped away the tears before they fell.

"I miss her Tony."

"I know." Tony's voice was low, something about his pause after two words giving Tim the impression he too was on the verge of tears. "I miss her too."

Tony pulled him into a hug before he could say anything else and Tim broke on his shoulder. Tony hushed in his ear and stroked his hair as he sobbed, cracking a little and buried his head into Tim's as he cried too.

They sat that way, Tim with an arm wrapped around a soundly sleeping Tali and head on Tony's shoulder, until they had both regained enough composure to sit themselves straight again.

"I've been an ass to Delilah." Tim sniffed. "I've messed up so bad with everyone Tony. I don't know what to do."

"Well, you could start by buying me a coffee and a donut, I'm going to need both if we're going to be up much longer, then we can talk about the drinking thing," Tony narrowed his eyes at Tim's attempt to dismiss the problem. "Been there, said that McGee, don't even try. Then maybe we can think about all the ways you can make it up to everyone, and then after that, maybe you should try giving the number on the back of that card a call."


	22. Chapter 22

**Many, many apologies for such a long delay in updating, life has gotten very much in the way of getting any writing done. 2 updates for you guys to hopefully make up for it, though it didn't exactly go the way I was planning it to with Tony's confrontation with Gibbs, there ended up being a little more angst than I planned for but hopefully with Tony giving both of them a kick they'll end up in the same direction**

Tim and Tony had left the office to go to the diner, dropping Tali off at Tony's place on the way where Senior was waiting for them to return. They'd spent the next few hours drinking coffee and eating actual food while Tim talked, and actually talked. They spoke about Tim's drinking, Tony fully able to relate after his own bad patch several years back, they talked about the nightmares he was having, the first time Tim had ever mentioned it to anyone, they talked about Gibbs, Gibbs' moods, Gibbs' headslaps, Gibbs' mix up of their names, how Gibbs was so clearly struggling too and equally as honest about it as Tim had been. They mentioned Grace and her interference in their lives and how secretly Tim was very grateful for it, they talked about Tali and all the funny things Tony had seen her do in the past three months, they skirted around Ziva's name and to end it they talked about how a shifty looking Tim still hadn't proposed to Delilah.

Tony had been quite adamant after they ate that Tim was going to take the next day off work, that he was going to come by mid-morning after Tim had had a chance to apologise to Delilah for being an idiot and he was going to take them both out for the day, spend some Tony-Tali-time with his best friend and his soon to be best friend's fiancé. His Dad was staying at his place for a few days before he sorted himself out to move back home- he had been intending on staying put but Tony had insisted he needed to get used to life without his Dad being around to help out, not that he didn't want him to because he could happily babysit anytime he liked. Tony had never properly known his grandparents and he didn't want Tali or Senior to miss out.

Tim had argued a little but after Tony's revelation that he had already left a note on Gibbs' desk saying he was back and Tim was taking the day off he felt he didn't really have much choice. Tony had also already squared it with Delilah to make sure she could get the day off work though she had been much more apprehensive about it because who was to say that their plan would even work and Tim would be anywhere near fine enough for a grown up conversation let alone a day out. She had eventually said yes after some gentle persuasion from Tony. When Tim had gotten in that night, full of good food and coffee and a buzz of overplayed thoughts, Delilah was fast asleep and he didn't have the heart to wake her. He had been an ass. He had probably been the worst person to live with for the last couple of months and if he was honest he was surprised she was still there.

She had left quickly after her conversation with Gibbs, after several minutes of silence and a quiet apology from him which she made no hesitation in snapping at. She didn't need the apology, Tim did. Abby had met her back outside having only driven a few times around the block before calling Delilah's cell so she didn't have to come to the door. Gibbs had spent a long time after sitting broodingly on the couch staring at the same spot on the wall and running Delilah's words over in his mind a million times. He was an idiot, pure and simple. He had messed up big time with Tim, his lack of discipline, or over discipline in some respects, his ignorance of Tim's obvious struggle and his lack of respect towards any of his agents all because he was stubbornly trying to ignore the fact that he was struggling too; he was grieving too and that was fine, his actions were not.

Now alone he couldn't help but think of Ziva and he realised he hadn't done so properly in a fair while. He stared at the picture on the table by the door, the very same one Tim had pinned behind his desk, and was overcome with a feverish longing to have all three of them back there sitting in his house, laughing and joking as they had many times. He remembered the photo well, Ducky had taken it, Ziva, Tim and Tony had decided that after five years they were more than overdue a team photo and Gibbs had, very grudgingly, agreed to it. Ziva was tucked protectively under his arm while Tony messed about with Tim. She had a ghost of a smile on her lips and her eyes danced in amusement at her brothers- brother and lover as it was or would be. He thought back to the many times between just he and Ziva, baseball, dinner, when she needed comfort and reassurance from someone she could trust, someone like a father, a true father.

So maybe everything Grace was saying was right, maybe it did all come back down to her. Maybe it always came back to her. Maybe because it was always the _hers_ ; his mother, Shannon, Kelly, Kate, Jenny, Ziva. Always the women, and he was always powerless to stop it and that there would be his biggest downfall. He failed to protect the women in his life and if he couldn't protect the women, how could he protect the men.

He recognised the footsteps before the door opened but barely glanced up as Tony entered. He felt rather than saw his pause at the door as he took in Gibbs' dejected position on the couch and the half full bottle at his feet.

"Kind of expected you to be in the basement." Tony shut the door softly behind him. "Still not locking the front door though I see. Nice to know not everything changes." He smiled.

Gibbs flashed him a look that Tony couldn't quite read as he took in the tanned skin and lighter hair resulting from his months away.

"You look well DiNozzo."

"Just been looking after myself," Tony patted his stomach. "Eating right, hitting the gym,"

Gibbs raised an eyebrow.

"Ok so maybe not, but living with a toddler sure does feel like being at the gym sometimes."

Gibbs snorted a laugh and leant back into the couch, waving a hand to Tony to join him. He sensed his hesitation again. Tony in turn sensed Gibbs heavy acting.

He took the seat opposite and studied him hard while Gibbs took a great deal of time to admire the fingers on his left hand.

"Good to see you Gibbs."

Gibbs nodded but didn't raise his head.

"So. How was the trip?"

His voice was low and Tony felt an awkwardness bubbling between them, they both knew why he was here and neither one wanted to mention it just yet.

"Could have been better. Was great to spend so much time getting to know Tali though, she's such a beautiful kid, inside and out." Tony smiled sadly, lost in thought for a second. Gibbs picked it up.

"She's got two amazing parents to thank for that."

"Not too sure a couple of months compares to almost two years. It's hard sometimes." Tony dropped his head to stare at his own hands. "She really misses her."

"We all do." Gibbs heaved a sigh.

"So it would seem."

Gibbs turned to him looking sheepish.

"You've spoken to Tim." It was a statement rather than a question.

Tony propped himself up against the armrest and cocked his head at him.

"Tim, Delilah, Abby, Palmer, hell, even some red-head named Grace. Not another one of your ex-wives I hope."

Gibbs turned back away, shaking his head in annoyance at Grace once again being part of this.

"I haven't come to yell at you over it, I imagine Delilah did enough of that already?" Tony half-smirked at Gibbs grunt of a reply. "I did come to talk though boss."

"I'm not your boss anymore DiNozzo, so don't call me it." He snapped. Gibbs' sullen mood was clearly rapidly deteriorating.

Tony looked dejected, if only for a second, then his face hardened.

"You'll always be my boss, besides, old habits die hard."

"You-"

"Shut up Gibbs, for just five seconds and let me have my say, then you can kick me out or yell or complain or whatever but just hear me out first."


	23. Chapter 23

**As promised, part 2 of Tony-Gibbs convo. Final chapters are in progress and on their way asap!**

They locked eyes and Gibbs saw the determination in Tony, he wasn't going to let up until this was resolved. He shrugged and Tony gave a sigh of relief.

"Right, so how are you doing Gibbs?"

"What?" The surprise on his face shocked Tony a little.

"Well I've already spoken to Tim, I know how he is. So how are you doing?"

"I," Gibbs opened and closed his mouth several times before he cleared his throat to speak. "I'm-"

"Fine. Yeah, I figured you might be." It was Tony's turn to shake his head in annoyance. "You know Tim tried that too. So did I. Didn't work out so well for either of us."

"I am fine."

"Don't think your therapist quite agrees, or any of the team for that matter. I know, mostly, everything, I imagine there's things Tim still didn't mention. You're far from fine Gibbs, a blind man could see that."

Gibbs occupied himself with staring at a spot on the opposite wall, refusing to meet Tony's eye.

"It's none of your business how I am or aren't DiNozzo. I don't see why it matters."

"I still care about you Gibbs, just because I'm not part of the team doesn't mean I don't worry about any of you or care about how you are or what you're doing. You guys are still my family, that much will never change."

"But it did." Gibbs' tone hardened. "You left Tony, and I fully respect the decision you made. You chose to leave to take care of Tali and that's the single most important thing. But that changed everything. Tim was promoted to senior field agent, I got a new guy in who didn't know a yank from a candle, I had a team who didn't function, that was split and a senior agent more depressed than my previous senior agent ever was before him, and to top all of it off I had you run off half way around the world with a little girl I couldn't even bare to look at for fear I might actually break down in tears. Everything changed Tony, in the team, in our family, too much, and I didn't know Tim from Adam when it came to trying to help him, so I assumed he'd do what you did and come looking when he was ready. But he didn't, so what was I supposed to do?"

"You're the supervisory agent Gibbs, you're at the head of everything, you're supposed to take care of your team, you're supposed to know how."

"But I didn't so what was I supposed to do? I was hurt just as much and no one cared to ask me how I was feeling about it all. Tim went in on himself,"

"And you did the same! Like always." Tony gritted his teeth in frustration that it had in fact turned into an argument.

Gibbs was on his feet now and Tony quickly followed suit.

"You weren't here, so tell me, tell me straight, what was I supposed to do DiNozzo!?"

"You fight! You stand up and you kick his ass and tell him you're there and help him Gibbs. You fight for him when he won't fight for himself, like you used to, like you did for all of us. You be a man and look out for your family, you take care of him when he needs it, you reach out Gibbs! He needed you and you let him down Gibbs and you know it, so why are you still sitting here alone feeling sorry for yourself?"

"I was grieving too!"

"Oh we all were!" Tony scoffed. "You think you were the only one Gibbs? You think only you mattered? We were all grieving, you were just angry because no one cared to ask how you were because they were all too worried about Tim. You were being selfish!"

Gibbs stared at him for a minute and Tony worried he'd maybe gone too far.

"I was grieving Anthony." He spoke in barely a whisper. Tony's throat tightened as he tried to find the words.

"We were all grieving Gibbs. I'm not saying any one persons was more important than the other but no one was there for each other. Bishop only grieved for me, she called plenty, Reeves didn't know me well enough to miss me, Abby had her own ways, Palmer had Ducky. You and Tim, you were supposed to have each other, but you didn't. You were supposed to support each other and instead you hurt each other more. You let each other down. Him by not knowing when he needed help, and you in not realising when it was your time to step in."

Silence echoed around the room once more and Gibbs swayed on the spot slightly as though toying with the idea of walking away and sitting back down; he stayed standing.

"I know I let him down. I knew it at the time and I didn't know how to reign it in. I was just so angry, angry because I couldn't deal with my own grief so how the hell was I supposed to deal with his too. I didn't have the strength to fight for one of us let alone both. And I know I chose to try for the wrong one."

"You didn't choose wrong, because you didn't choose. You let both of you suffer because you figured if Tim wasn't the only one he'd realise and he'd relate, if you were ok and he wasn't it would make him seem weak, if he was ok and you weren't then you were weak and he would worry it was his fault. So you bombed out and ignored both. You let yourself get mad at yourself and at Tim because he wouldn't confide in you but instead of talking to him about it you let it go. You messed up Gibbs, so now you have to clean up."

Gibbs' eyes shone in the light reflected from the fire.

"Rule 45."

Tony nodded.

"I can only help you as far as that, the rest is between you and Tim."

Gibbs took his seat again and heaved a sigh as he rolled his hand over his face. Facing Tim was not something he thought he could handle just yet, not when he was only barely facing everything he'd done in his stupidity the last few months. He had a lot to make up for.

"He's taking a day tomorrow, spending some time with Tali and me and Delilah. Give you some space." Tony answered Gibbs' unspoken plea.

"My head's a wreck DiNozzo."

"Yours isn't the only one." Tony sighed as he took the seat next to him this time.

Gibbs looked questioningly at him. He knew their conversation about Tim was over, Tony was confident that enough had been said now to leave the rest to Tim and Gibbs. He sounded beaten down, tired, and Gibbs realised in his selfishness at being concerned about himself and feeling bad for everything with Tim he'd forgotten for a second just how tough Tony had had it.

"You find answers?"

"Not the ones I was expecting."

"So what did you find?"

Tony paused thoughtfully, rubbing his hand across his mouth while he stared at the team picture on Gibbs' table.

"I found myself."

Gibbs watched him, waiting for him to elaborate.

"I told you before I left I'd never been somebody's everything before. That's what I found. I found me and a little girl and the whole wide world in front of us and I held on to that instead of looking back on what had been, on what we'd missed and were missing. This job, being a cop, that's all I ever believed I was destined to do, but being a Dad, that changed everything and maybe I understand why Ziva never told me, because before all I thought I had wanted was the job. I mean I would've been a Dad if I'd known, I would never have denied Tali that, but I would've been distracted by the job, had my focus clouded by still being a good agent, because it was always the job. I loved Ziva but I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. It would've been missed dinners and school plays and birthdays and late nights, getting home to find her asleep in my chair because she'd tried to wait up for me to read her a bedtime story. And I wouldn't have done anything about it because the job was always first. Now it's not, and because it's not I found something in me I didn't know I had. Complete selflessness,"

"Before I wouldn't have even had a second thought about working late and rescheduling dates or dinners with family and friends because what we do is too important. Now, I wouldn't have a second thought about telling you where to go and walking out early to get home and hug my daughter before bed. I struggled, beyond struggled Gibbs, every single second was a hike that I wasn't sure I had the energy for. And then one afternoon we were at a park in Nice, Tali tripped and hurt her knee and I was just a few metres behind her talking to my Dad for the millionth time about how I wasn't sleeping and this woman with a son a little older than Tali went over to her and asked her where her Mom was. All she did was cry Abba and this woman didn't have a clue what she meant until I got there. And in that second that I had this little girl tight to me crying for Abba, explaining to this woman that her mother was Israeli and not knowing why I realised something. I found a part of me I didn't know was missing, paternal instincts that I never thought I would have, instincts that made me never want Tali to cry like that ever again whether it was because she broke her arm or some idiot boy broke her heart. I was Abba and she was my daughter."

Tony's eyes were very much dry in spite of the heavy conversations, much opposite to Gibbs who's own were damp with both frustration at himself and admiration for the man sitting next to him.

"That," Gibbs choked. "That is all you need."

"Not all," Tony smiled softly as he gripped Gibbs' shoulder. "But it's a very big piece."

Gibbs was in that moment in awe and immensely proud of Tony. He had grown so much in recent years but in the months since Ziva's death he seemed to have aged a great deal in maturity, and that fact that he had given him such a firm dressing down before spilling his heart about a little girl who had saved him at his worst made Gibbs feel sick at how stupid he had been with Tim. He and Tim would work it out, Tony had no doubt of that. They were stubborn and tried hard to not be too emotional, Gibbs believing it did him better not to be and Tim having had it knocked into him as a child that a man was not emotional, that he didn't share and anything less made a man weak. So quite obviously that was part of their problem; the incomprehensible need to appear strong in the eyes of the other and the irony of how emotionally weak it had made them.


	24. Chapter 24

**This ended up being a kind of unplanned chapter so I just went with it. It was supposed to just be an opening for the next one but I think it resolves a few things between Tim and Delilah and certainly shows how far Tim has come after just a couple of conversations. Obviously things are far from 'fine' but, baby-steps.**

Delilah had woken that morning with the warmth of Tim against her, his arm draped across her stomach and the sound of soft breathing in her ear. It had almost alarmed her at first until she realised there was an odd light smell of stale coffee and bacon around him instead of the, what had become usual, smell of beer. She had watched him sleeping soundly for the first time in what seemed like forever. She hadn't heard him come in, she hadn't even known if he'd still been at the office when she'd first spoken to Grace but she had called her quickly after Tony had arrived and hinted that she thought it would be a late one. She had hoped Tony, of all people, would be able to talk some sense into him, obviously he had. There was no longer the line between his eyes that she was becoming too accustomed to seeing while he slept, no twitches or whimpers, no hint of a nightmare, there was an odd peacefulness about the way he lay so close to her, breathing normally for the first time in months.

He had stirred as she moved but settled quickly again, giving her time to manoeuvre her way out of the bedroom and into the living room. Tony must have brought him home because there was a hand-written note (he seemed to have developed a fondness for writing rather than texting while he'd been away) sitting on the coffee table.

 _Wheels, I heard from a certain red robin that you took on Gibbs tonight, good for you. I think Tim is coming to his senses, he knows he's been a jerk. I'm heading over to Gibbs' place to check on him too, as much as he deserves the yelling I think he might just need a friend to help him understand the ass-kicking he's just gotten. I'll be by early tomorrow, T x_

Delilah had very little sympathy for Gibbs but she had to admit that in a way he and Tim were both battling similar demons and both felt like they were alone in this.

Tim had stumbled into the room minutes after the smell of coffee had wafted through and rather sheepishly took the cup Delilah offered him. He'd followed her to the table where he made a big deal of spinning his cup around to find the coldest place to hold it until Delilah loudly cleared her throat. When he met her eye he was surprised to see her crying.

"Delilah, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He quickly grabbed her hand and both held tight to each other while she sobbed silently, tears leaving a trail down her cheeks. When she'd finally composed herself Tim was verging on tears too.

"I was so worried Tim, do you understand, I was so scared. I was scared I was going to lose you more than I already had. You terrified me Tim. I didn't know what to do. I still don't really. What can I do Tim? I don't want to see you like this."

Tim had simply shook his head. He didn't know, all he knew was that he was tired of feeling the way he had and tired of pretending he was fine when everyone knew he wasn't and he was tired of putting it all on Delilah. It wasn't fair to treat her like crap and stay out late and yell and be a bastard, she hadn't done anything and he realised now neither had he, and he should have, a long time ago.

They talked for a while, the coffee between them going cold, about everything Tim had spoken to Tony about the night before, about Gibbs, about Tali, about Ziva- more so than he had with Tony- and mostly about how sorry he was for not telling her about any of it sooner. She was his girlfriend, she had reminded him, he was supposed to come to her when he needed help, not push her away as he had. They had cried, both of them, and not once throughout the whole conversation did Tim let go of her hand. He asked her about Grace, to which she finally broke into some sort of smile.

"She has been a lifeline. At first I just thought she was some interfering cow, then I realised how worried she was about you and Gibbs. She was worried because he'd stopped taking the help and you didn't think you needed it. She actually found it amusing how alike you two were."

Tim had chewed his lip in thought.

"Tony said the same thing. You know, I didn't really like her when I first met her either. I actually kind of blamed her for this for a while. Stupid I know. I guess I should be thanking her."

"Don't thank her just yet, you have a long way to go Tim. You don't just snap out of it and feel better about everything overnight." She eyed him suspiciously. "You know that right?"

Tim tilted his head at her in a _you don't say,_ kind of expression. Delilah had laughed.

"I've missed that."

Tim looked to the table, his expression turning shameful again.

"She gave me her card."

"You going to take her up on it?"

"I think so." He spoke warily, looking up, as though waiting for her to tell him whether she thought it was a good idea or not.

"If you need it Tim, take it." She squeezed his hand gently until he smiled back at her.

"Delilah, I love you, so much, you know that?"

"Tim, I just want you to be ok."

She answered his unspoken question of whether she still loved him without saying the words. It gave him the strength he knew he needed to make things right now.

"I'm going to speak to Grace, going to get counselling or something, anything, I need to get my head straight." Delilah nodded but didn't speak. "I'm going to be the guy you need again, I promise."

"Hey hey," She could hear the emotion in his voice and the strain of him trying not to cry again. "Tim, you are and always will be, the only guy I need, no matter what."

She thought her heart might break at the look in his eyes, look of disappointment in himself. He thought he wasn't good enough for her because he'd pushed her away, because he'd struggled and had been weak for it. In reality all she ever saw in him was how strong he was, even after everything he'd been through in his life.

"I love you Tim McGee." She hushed as she pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

He smiled, a very small smile, as she pulled away and he grasped her hand tightly with both of his own.

"Actually Tim, there is something else I need to tell you. I was going to wait but Grace said-"

Tim's confused look merged with the sound of little fists knocking at the door and a laugh from the man behind it. Delilah sighed through a smile and stroked a hand down Tim's cheek before inclining her head for him to answer the door. Tali was still giggling when they entered and Tony was positively grinning. Delilah had to admit, it was nice to see someone in a good mood these days. Tim answered the door with a smile of his own earning him a narrowing of the eyes from Tony.

"Who are you and what have you done with Tim McGee?"

Tim shook his head good naturedly as he waved Tony in. Realisation dawned on him when Delilah's eyes sparkled at the sight of the little girl as she jumped and waved her hand at Tim's face.

"Hello Tali." She smiled.

Tali suddenly turned shy and waved silently over at her. Tony lightly flicked one of her pigtails- her hair had grown so long over the summer he had struggled to maintain it any other way. She giggled once more and swatted at his hand, quietly passing off a "hi" before raising her arms to Tim for a hug. Tim chuckled at the crooked hairdo and smirked at Tony as he brushed her fringe from her eyes.

"Senior giving you styling tips?"

"Oh a joke, you definitely can't be Tim McGee. Delilah, it's ok, I'd keep this one, he's much more handsome and funny than the other."

Delilah grinned in amusement but sensed Tim stiffen at his words despite his smile.

"Shall we get going then?"

He reached for his coat and was out of the door before either of them could say anything and Delilah cast Tony a look as they rushed to follow.


	25. Chapter 25

**So this is going to be the last chapter before a rather intense Tim and Gibbs conversation. There'll be a few bits after that but we're getting very close to the end of our story now. Hope you guys are still enjoying it and thanks for reading!**

There was a chill in the air that bothered everybody but Tali. She was happily running in circles playing on the slide in the park while the group of adults watched her from nearby under hushed conversation. Or at least two of the adults did. One of them had occupied himself by watching the child intently as she chatted animatedly to Kelev in Hebrew as she went, her breath leaving puffs of hot air behind her.

Delilah was all too aware of Tim's lack of interest in their conversation but Tony gave a shake of his head when she looked to him for help. _Just leave him be._ Instead she turned the conversation back onto Tony, a subject he'd been avoiding for the last ten minutes or so.

"You still haven't said much about how you are. Every time I start you just talk about Tali."

"Do I?" Tony feigned innocence. "I hadn't noticed. But I'm fine, thanks for asking. Now-"

"Nuh huh, stop it Tony. Seriously, you're so concerned with everyone else and how they are but you won't talk about yourself?"

"I'm a private guy."

"Yeah right." Delilah snorted. She took a brief look to a still distracted Tim before continuing. "He's not ok, Gibbs isn't ok, you must be far from it."

Tony looked uncomfortably around at the trees before he met her eye.

"It's, been hard. I'm getting there. Baby-steps, or toddler-steps if you will. She makes me get there. Without her though," He shook his head, seemingly lost. "She makes me get there." He repeated.

Delilah smiled sympathetically, taking his hand.

"I'm glad you're home, both of you."

Tony smiled back nodding.

"Me too. Tali's really excited to have a sleepover at Uncle Tim and Aunt Lilah's house."

"Aunt Lilah?" Delilah raised an eyebrow.

Tony shrugged.

"Delilah is a big word for a two-year-old."

Apparently Tim's name had snapped him out of his trance.

"You realise how much of a hypocrite you sound when you say you're fine and then yell at everyone else who says it?"

"Oh so you were listening?"

"To bits." Tim shrugged. "For the record, I'm glad you're back too."

Tony clapped a hand to Tim's shoulder in appreciation. The sound of Tali shouting his name hit him not seconds later and he was on his feet quicker than Tim had ever seen him move before. Tali was being walked over to their table by a kindly old woman with veined hands and wispy grey hair, a little girl hot at her heels.

"The little sweetie took a tumble as she came off the slide, just went a little too fast I think, grazed her knee." She spoke, looking to Delilah. "Nothing I'm sure a cuddle from Mommy wouldn't fix."

The atmosphere at the bench turned suddenly. Delilah blushed a furious pink colour as Tali hiccoughed and reached for Tony.

"Oh, I-"

"Granny come on, Max is coming looking for us now." The little girl sighed heavily, tugging her Grandmother's hand towards an older boy looking around curiously by the swings.

"All right, all right, Annie, I'm coming."

With a smile and a nod to Delilah she shuffled away after, half dragged by her grandchild.

Tali had nestled herself in Tony's arms and was sniffing into his coat with Kelev tight in her hand. Tim watched Tony's stony expression melt as he rocked her gently back and forth. His jaw was still obviously clenched when he turned back to them.

"Tony, I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't worry about it." He interrupted. "She wasn't to know." He smiled in the hopes of relieving the tension but Delilah looked unconvinced. "It's just, some family did it while we were away, my Dad was watching her at the pool and he turned his back for a second and she slipped, got a face full of water and a fright. There was a woman had rushed to help but some other one got there first, thought Tali was her daughter. My Dad was quicker than I was at getting there and setting her straight. Needless to say, she was never going to assume a little girl was always with her mother anymore." He chuckled towards the end of his story, clearly amused by his Dad's quick defence. "It happened a couple of times actually, people assuming she had a Mom with her. Just got to me a little is all."

"Sorry Tony, it would anyone."

Tony nodded briefly to Tim in appreciation and gave Delilah a gentle squeeze on her shoulder to reassure her before doing what he did best and changing the subject.

"What's say we go get some hot chocolate to warm us up huh?"

Their walk to the diner was quicker than they expected, Tali swinging her hands between Tony and Tim as they went. Delilah was watching Tim's growing affection with interest. She wondered when it was he seemed to have gotten so good with children. They'd picked the booth as far away from the door as possible and sat, stiff with cold, for only a few minutes before their hands were occupied with warm cups filled with marshmallows and whipped cream.

Tali had chosen to sit on Delilah's lap when the hot chocolate arrived, Tony both pleased and kind of upset about it. Delilah had been feeling a little like a spare part for most of the morning as Tali had showed much more interest in Tim than her but Tony had figured it was possibly just the wheelchair that made her a little apprehensive. He was glad she seemed to have gotten over it though as the delight on Delilah's face was obvious. Tim had since regressed back into his quiet, overthinking self and Tony had no doubt as to why.

He didn't mention it until much later, after they'd went shopping where Tali acquired more toys than she would ever need- "You can never have too many toys Tony."- and had lunch at Delilah's new favourite place that Bishop had introduced her to- not that they'd been out in a long while, not since Ellie had started seeing more and more of Clayton- and they'd arrived back at Tim's place with take-out and a sleepy Tali.

Tony had fashioned her a makeshift bed on the couch out of his jacket and a throw Tim had pulled from the back of the closet. It wasn't until she was lying there that Tim noticed the glint of gold he hadn't registered earlier.

"Ziva's necklace." He mused out loud from his spot on the floor. Tony turned to look back at her from his own spot.

"Figured she'd want her to have it. Rightfully it belongs to her. She is half a David after all. I wanted her to have something other than a picture to remember her by."

Tim nodded silently, continuing to watch the shimmer of the star with every rise and fall of her chest.

"She's half a DiNozzo too." He indicated to the soft snoring sound.

"Ziva used to snore. She denied it of course."

Once again the conversation was back to her and both Tim and Tony were struggling with it.

"Delilah's been a while." Tony observed.

"She's giving us time to talk." Tim explained to a bewildered looking Tony. "She's not as subtle as she thinks she is."

Tony looked to the bathroom door where he could hear the rush of the water and a slight hum from Delilah as she brushed her teeth.

"Hmm, I see." He paused, looking around for a conversation starter. "Spring roll?"

"No thanks." Tim smiled.

"Just trying to fill in the conversation until we work out what it is Delilah thinks we should be talking about." Tony stared at him with wide eyes. Tim avoided his gaze and ignored him. "Like maybe a certain supervisory agent with silver hair and a sharp tongue?"

"Can we not Tony. We've had a good day."

"Yeah we have, me and Delilah and Tali at least. You've been in la-la land for most of it." Tony squinted at a cold piece of questionable looking meat from his chow mein before eating it anyway. "You want some advice?"

"Please no." Tim grimaced.

"Well I'm going to give you it anyway so listen up." Tim groaned and Tony coughed loudly to interrupt him. "You can moan and groan all you like Timmy McGee."

"What if I don't want to take the advice?"

"It's advice, not a piece of cake, I never said you had to take it."

Tim rolled his eyes.

"You know, you've been weird all day."

Tim continued to avert his attention from Tony.

"I dunno if you're worried about going back to work or seeing Gibbs or facing up to all of this or what. But, you know, if you're looking to talk to someone about it, I always found a boat was the best place to start."

Tim furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Oh and I hope you realise I'm staying here tonight. Not only am I totally against carrying a toddler to the car in the cold and driving home with her in said car after a certain time, I also think my Dad's more than earned his first good nights sleep in almost four months."


	26. Chapter 26

**Hope you guys can forgive me once again for the delay, I was struggling with the Tim-Gibbs showdown but wanted to have the first bit written so you guys could read it all at once without being left in too much suspense :P Next parts hopefully on their way soon!**

She had been worried when she'd caught him sneaking out of the room, he could see it in her eyes and the way she didn't quite believe him when he said he'd be back soon. If he had had trouble sleeping that night no doubt she was now sitting at home, her mind buzzing with thoughts over where he might've gone. The reluctance in the way she'd nodded to let him go made him hope that Tony had the sense to tell her his destination. He too had woken as Tim passed the sofa on his way out, nothing but a nod of understanding exchanged between the two.

Tim hadn't been here in what felt like a very long time, not like this anyway. The boat was looking much more like a boat than it had the last time he'd seen it, midway through being sanded and varnished, the brush discarded beside it. He paced the floor, considered Gibbs bourbon for a minute or two before pouring himself a measure and setting back pacing again.

He'd guess these basement walls housed more secrets than anywhere. It was the place everyone seemed to end up at one point or another. The place that knew things about Gibbs and his previous life that not even Ducky knew, the place where Ari had taken his last breath, the place Ziva had first become part of the team, where she had hidden when she had been accused of murder because it was the only place she felt safe, where Jenny had come on more than one occasion in the past Tim was sure to both be comforted by and to berate him, it was where Abby and Ducky would come to find Gibbs at his most vulnerable and where they could be too, where Tony had come at his lowest points to drink bourbon and enjoy companionable silence, where he had made that all important decision to leave.

He looked around for a while for a way out, secret doors or floor or any way that Gibbs could possibly build a boat and smuggle it out. In the end he decided he simply didn't, it wasn't possible. He sipped the bourbon while he inspected the place, the tools on the shelves, the rifle in the drawer, broken TV and phone on the wall, the air thick with reminiscence of what had been, a small window into the murky past of one Leroy Jethro Gibbs, husband, father, sniper, agent, confidante, marine first and foremost, a family man at the heart.

A letter from Tony lay unfurled on the side pinned under several jars of nuts and bolts, though he was tempted to, he didn't read further than, _Boss_. Tali's picture caught his eye, pinned to the board beneath a hammer and saw, her bright grin shining back at him, big green eyes wide and excited and waving her fist furiously at the camera with Kelev tucked under her arm; the sight made him smile a little. He swapped his drink for a sanding block from the workbench and turned it over in his hands several times before he drew it over the rougher wood of the boat. _No wonder Gibbs gets some relief out of this_ , it took some work and energy behind it, or maybe he was just lacking something else.

 _Boat, basement, bourbon._ He got it. It was the simple things in life that kept them going. His thoughts drifted to Delilah, sitting at home, worrying after him, that secret she'd kept from him for fear of tipping him over the edge, he hated himself right there and then for being so damn selfish and stupid, but maybe he needed it. He had too long been Tim McGee, computer genius and otherwise failure, never a good enough son, recently not a good enough agent and currently not a good enough friend or boyfriend- could have been fiancé by now if he hadn't been keeping a secret of his own. He was tired of secrets, of feelings that weren't to be shared, things that were thought but not said but should be and not nearly often enough. He was tired of the loss, of the disappointment and the not knowing how he was supposed to react to any of it- disappoint Gibbs, disappoint Delilah, disappoint Tony, disappoint himself? He didn't know which was worse these days. Gibbs seemed to have it worked out, boat, basement, bourbon, kept his cards close to his chest and his feelings buried deep. It worked, and did he ever get hurt, no. At least not visibly.

Tim took another slurp of alcohol, enjoying the burn that came with it as he ran his fingers along the lines of the boat, the intricate detail and the delicately carved name of _Ziva_ , it was only to be expected. Ziva, friend, lover, sister, daughter, mother. Everything to every one of them who had known her and now nothing to the physical world but a name and a ghost.

"With the grain Tim." Gibbs' voice came from the top of the stairs.

Tim whipped around so fast he almost cricked his neck. Gibbs was leaning casually over the banister, watching Tim with a mixture of concern and something close to amusement, his smile was full of anguish and the way he said his name, soft and strained as though speaking to a dying man. His eyes looked tired and pained, he looked broken, like a shell of the man he used to be, and yet he still respected him more than anything, maybe more than ever in that moment. The use of his first and actual name did not go unnoticed with Tim.

Tim wasn't sure how he must have looked to Gibbs, standing so brashly in _his_ basement drinking _his_ bourbon and sanding _his_ boat, as though this was something of a regular occurrence. He probably looked just as broken, probably more; he was the one breaking and entering and helping himself to the man's alcohol supply after all. _Technically, the door was open so it's really only entering,_ Tony would have said. This was the guy who once played football with a rock while explaining the finer details of the act on his first time meeting him. Gibbs barely batted an eyelid. How long he'd been watching him he didn't know.

"Not long." Gibbs answered, reading his mind. He offered him a small smile at the look of bewilderment on his face and Tim noticed it again, the pain behind it.

Gibbs made his way down the stairs, slowly and deliberately, as though waiting for a response from Tim or at best a reason for being in his basement at such an ungodly hour. Tim gave him neither. Without a word he took a jar from the side, blew some dust from it and tipped himself a shot of bourbon too. He raised his hand in Tim's direction and drained the glass in one, Tim took another sip of his own. Gibbs seemed to be trying to steer himself to talk, liquid courage seemed to be key as he drained a second glass as fast as the first. Tim did nothing but sipped his own again, still in silence, the sanding block loose in his hand. It seemed that gave Gibbs some focus.

Tim caught the tail end of a smile and barely had a chance to react before Gibbs had reached for his hand. He spun him slightly on the spot, Tim clutching the glass and for a brief moment wondering whether Gibbs was going to throw him out of the basement with one hand behind his back like a common criminal. Instead, Gibbs' hand covered his own and he stood beside him, one hand on the square of his back, as he drew the sander across the wood and back again. Tim stood transfixed at his hand moving beneath Gibbs' and the strangeness he felt at being this close to his boss. It was minutes before he realised Gibbs had retired to the stool behind him and was watching Tim run the block over the wood with an air of interest.

Gibbs allowed him to be while he busied himself drinking another measures worth of alcohol. A million words buzzed around Tim's head but he couldn't find a way to say them out loud. He didn't even know what to say, what do you say in a situation like this? Sorry came to the surface but dissolved in his throat. Gibbs didn't do apologies in any case, at least not often. He realised though that this silence was different to the usual one between them, strained and tension filled. This was comfortable and full of emotion and space, space that was needed. He lost track of how long he stood there, sanding the same patch of wood over and over again until Gibbs shattered it.

"I'm sorry Timothy."

The spell was broken. The space, emotion, comfort of the silence crashed to the floor and an echo of Gibbs' words rang in Tim's ears. _I'm sorry Timothy._ He turned on the spot to find Gibbs staring at him, watery eyed and looking a little, no, a lot, ashamed.


	27. Chapter 27

**I was going to split this chapter when I realised how long it was but I couldn't find a place to break it where it wouldn't get in the way of the flow of the 'discussion' between Tim and Gibbs. It didn't quite go as I planned and once again ended up more angry than I intended but I think they needed to shout before they can sit and fully listen. A lot is being said in this chapter and not a lot I feel being resolved but they are beginning to appreciate why the other acts the way they do, maybe more so why Gibbs has been so angry and distant. Next chapter there will be much less raising of voices and much more understanding. Some slightly long paragraphs in here so apologies, thanks for reading guys!**

Tim stared at him while the seconds ticked by. A glassy eyed Gibbs hadn't even blinked in the time he stood there. The words still struggled to come to the surface. Silently, he turned away, dropping the sander back to its spot on the bench and took a measured sip of the alcohol. He could feel Gibbs' eyes burning into the back of his skull and painfully bit back the anger he could feel rising. It was amazing that three words could make him feel so angry when it should have been the very thing he wanted to hear.

"Tim?"

"You're sorry, yeah, I heard." He hissed.

Gibbs stood and took a step away from him. He could sense Tim's fury and while it was perfectly understandable Gibbs desperately wanted to avoid yet another argument. He watched as Tim drew his eyes over the tools above his head, worrying for a moment he might just aim one at him, and then stop at the picture of Tali. He leaned in a heavy breath, closing his eyes and Gibbs readied himself for the fight.

"You shouldn't have to be sorry." Tim whispered, catching Gibbs off guard. "You shouldn't have to be."

Gibbs paused, in two minds on whether or not to speak but was cut over by Tim again.

"You, are such a bastard do you know that?"

Gibbs bit his lip in anticipation of smiling, Tim had never said anything like that to him before, Tim had never so much as argued with him before and he found it almost bittersweet that the time Tim chose to speak up for himself was under such trying circumstances. Pride and shame mixed within him.

"Do you know how bad I've felt? With the headslaps and the bitterness and the _Tony_ thing. Do you know Gibbs? Because if you did were you punishing me or did you actually enjoy it?" Tim turned to face him, eyes glowing. "What was it, you were grieving and pissed so you had to take it out on everyone else? Oh but wait, it was just me. So what, you take it out on me because I replaced him? Because I had to step up and take the role and the desk and you didn't like it? You never gave Bishop a hard time or Reeves, just me. Because I wasn't up to it? Because I wasn't good enough? What Gibbs? Tell me."

His voice rose steadier, stronger and louder as he spoke. Gibbs looked guiltily back to him. How was he supposed to explain this to Tim, it barely made sense in his own head. It had been stupid and selfish and damn, like Delilah had said, downright awful, what he had done, so how was he supposed to justify it now. Tim had struggled losing Ziva and Gibbs should have seen that. Everyone had been so concerned with Tony, and rightly so, but then Tony had Tali and Senior and then suddenly Tim had nobody and Gibbs had known that, Gibbs had seen that, and Gibbs had done nothing about that. And why? Because he was too busy trying to come to terms with his own grief for Ziva and his hurt at Tony leaving and every other emotion he had tried in vain to supress and had instead spilled onto Tim. Tim, for his sins, had been forced to endure Gibbs' bitterness and his moodiness and his grief and Tim didn't deserve that, not when Gibbs hadn't so much as asked him how he was. Only it had taken to this for Gibbs to realise his mistake. Tough love was not an option. Keeping Tim at arms length was not working. Because all it did was show Tim that he neither loved nor cared about him and that was the opposite of how he felt.

"Gibbs, are you even listening at all?" Tim's face was full of rage, full of hurt and Gibbs wouldn't have blamed him if he swung for him.

He scoffed at Gibbs bewildered look and turned away from him again, unable to look at him for fear of being unable to control his fists. He took a hard breath, his hands flat against the workbench but trembling slightly.

"I was scared." Gibbs whispered.

Tim looked up but didn't turn around. _Scared._

"Scared?" Tim repeated. "What the hell did you need to be scared of Gibbs?"

This time Gibbs didn't meet his eye when he turned around and focused instead on the corner of the boat. Tim felt a surge of emotion overwhelm him at the sight of Gibbs so obviously broken and struggling but the reminder of all the shit he'd put him through the last few months spurred him on.

"Tony was scared Gibbs, he got handed a child he'd never known existed and thrown into being a single parent. Tali was scared, being brought to a completely different country suddenly being raised by practically strangers. I was scared, my best friend left and I got put in a position I didn't want with a boss that could fly off the handle any second should you say the wrong thing. You. What did you have to be scared of?"

"He left." Gibbs answered quickly, not being able to take anymore of Tim's reasoning, his voice maybe a little louder than he meant it to be. "She died, he left, and you, you were slipping and I could see that and it scared me. I had lost two kids, I didn't want to lose you too."

"We were never your kids Gibbs." Tim snorted and held his glare as hurt flashed over Gibbs face.

Even as he said it he felt like a knife twisted in his stomach because that wasn't true. They were his kids. He had took each one of them and built them up, made them understand themselves, made them the people they were today. He had drawn Ziva out of the Mossad shadow that had haunted her daily, had made Tony realise he could trust and love and be loved back and he had made him realise his strength instead of the weaknesses his father had constantly pointed out to him as a child. They had all had _daddy-issues_ and Gibbs had been there, his paternal side not slipping since he lost Kelly. They had been good for each other, Gibbs had been good for all of them and they had been good for him and to spit out that they were not his kids hurt Tim as much as Gibbs, no matter how true it was. _Family is more than just DNA._

"I needed you Gibbs. You might have lost a daughter but I lost a sister, a best friend. Tony had gone, I had no one else. Every person I started on this team with was gone except you and you weren't there. You were too busy criticising everything I did and yelling at everything I said. You weren't a leader, you were a bastard, putting me down instead of helping me adjust. A team leader is supposed to lead,"

"I didn't know how to. You, you were different to the others. They would come to me when they needed it, they made it clear, you, you are so boxed in and withdrawn and I didn't know what to do McGee, I didn't know how to be there for you."

"And who's fault is that?! You never tried Gibbs. You never asked me if I was ok, you never so much as batted an eyelid when I almost got shot by that maniac, you even gave me the cold-shoulder over Grace when that wasn't even my fault! We were worried about you, all of us, and right now I don't even know why because it's clear you were never worried about anyone else but yourself!"

"That's not true!"

"No?! Ok so tell me, tell me what happened on the first day without Tony when Bishop couldn't focus all morning because she felt so bad she'd accidently bought an extra coffee for Tony without thinking. Who sat with her in the elevator and calmed her down and let her know it was ok to miss him? Who held Abby's hand the first time she went to visit Ziva's tree because she couldn't bear to go alone? Who had to cheer Jimmy up when he found the present Tony left for him in his desk drawer and ended up crying? It was me. Every time. And did any one of them know just how much my stomach turned when I saw Bishop carrying four coffee's instead of three, how I cried at Abby's speech she made for Ziva, how guilty I felt that I was jealous that Palmer's gift was more personal than mine? You were supposed to be there Gibbs. You were supposed to be the one that _I_ could turn to. And you weren't, and do you know why? Because I replaced him. Because you didn't have Tony anymore, you had Tim McGee. I tried, I mean I saw it on your face Gibbs. The disappointment that I was so far from the agent he was. You expected me just to be able to take his seat and it'd be like you had the same agent but it wasn't. I'm not him Gibbs. I'm not as strong or as funny or as ballsy and I know how much that pisses you off, to have a senior field agent that is just inadequate compared to your last. Not as quick, not as street smart, not as Tony. You don't think I noticed, when we were at scenes, when we were on chases, when we were at the office. You'd look at me as if it's my fault that he's not here, that it's my fault I took his job and his desk and his spot as your number two. But it's not. He left Gibbs. He made that choice and it isn't my fault that I'm stuck in this and nothing is ever good enough for you because nothing is ever _Tony_ -enough for you. You couldn't be there because you couldn't even stand to look at me, but it's not my fault you can't adjust Gibbs. It's yours."

They were both on their feet now, Tim breathing heavy from his tirade. Gibbs stared at him, for a moment lost for words. He knew what Tim was saying and he knew he meant it and deep down he knew some of it was true. It was different, it was hard and as much as it pained him to admit it he had struggled adjusting to Tony no longer being on the team. But this was Tim, Tim who Gibbs had always stood up for, vouched for, who he would gladly take a bullet for. Of course, Gibbs did know everything Tim had just said. He had seen Bishop's face when she had realised about the coffee's and her not-so-subtle nod to Tim after she came out of the bathroom with rather puffy eyes. He had watched he and Abby walk to the tree together and saw Tim wiping his face with his sleeve before she turned around. He had heard from Ducky the conversation between Tim and Jimmy and seen Tim eyeing Tony's leaving present with contempt. He knew Tim and he knew how he had been there for them when Gibbs hadn't and he had been proud of Tim for that and here he was, not believing in how Gibbs felt about him, not believing he cared, and could Gibbs really blame him after everything? He hadn't even been able to bring himself to be angry at Tim after he failed to pull his gun because he had been too busy torturing himself over what might have happened if Reeves hadn't of been there, that had been one of many very big mistakes.

Tim's breathing was slowing, his expression softening, less and less hatred in his eyes. Gibbs indicated to the stool beside him and Tim fell to it, having exhausted himself with his rage. Gibbs lowered his voice, trying to keep the tremor from it as he spoke.

"I don't want you to be Tony, Tim, I was stupid but that's far from what I wanted you to think."

Tim scoffed and stared after one of the beams along the ceiling where a layer of dust had settled many moons ago and a spider was cautiously making his way along leaving a web of thread behind him.

"I was scared. I had already lost so many people that I cared about." Gibbs continued, ignoring Tim's sniff. "I wasn't there when I lost Shannon and Kelly but I felt responsible. I couldn't protect them and they died and I'd let them down. Then Kate, that time it really was my fault, I was responsible for that. Jenny, she died for me. Franks death, that was on me. Diane, died, because of me. Don't you get it Tim? Everyone I've lost, I'm responsible for that. I couldn't protect any one of them and then we lost Ziva and Tony left and took Tali with him and, I didn't want to lose you too. But the people around me, bad things happen. I can't protect you and that scares me, so I pushed you away and I treated you like crap because I didn't know how to help you. I saw you were struggling but I failed, again. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing because I was _scared,_ and grieving and stupid. You Tim, you're the only one of my team I have left, I don't want to lose you too."

Tim would have laughed at the irony of it had it not been such a serious conversation.

"What you're doing Gibbs, that is the only way you are ever going to lose me."

His expression had softened again and his voice was less bitter. Gibbs had always struggled with his guilt over people's deaths and Tim knew it, everyone knew it, but Gibbs' logic was faulted. _Maybe this is what_ he _needs to be talking about in therapy._

When he met Tim's eyes again his own were full of guilt. Tim was caught between the desire to slap the back of his head and offer him Grace's business card.

"You never lost Tony, Gibbs. Tony was always going to come back. But you have this crazy idea in your head that by staying away from people you're protecting them. How does that work? Do you know how different things would be if none of us had ever met you? Mike Franks would have never become the man he was, Diane would never have had such a meaningful relationship with Fornell, Jenny wouldn't have been half the agent or director she was, she would have never known what it was like to be loved by someone as much as she was loved by you. Kate would never have joined NCIS, Ziva would never have been free, she would never have known what it was like to have the love of a family, to have a family. Tony would not be half the man and father he is today, Shannon would never have met you and Kelly, she would have never been, Gibbs. You say none of them would have died if it wasn't for you but that's not true. Everyone dies Gibbs, who they were though, you were part of that, and each and every one of them changed you for the better."

Gibbs' could feel the lump growing in his throat but was determined to not let it get the better of him. Tim's words were powerful and struck a chord somewhere in him. At the same time he felt Tim's hesitance to put his own name in there, to say that Gibbs had changed him and that he had changed Gibbs as much as the rest of them. He swallowed down his emotion between a sad, half smile that Tim didn't return.

"Tim, I wanna tell you a story."


	28. Chapter 28

**First off I want to really apologise for such a long wait between updates. Between Christmas prep and Uni work and actual work and a little bit of writers block this had kind of taken a backseat for a while BUT I am back with vengeance and I am determined to get us to the end of this story. There isn't much really in my head I have left to write for this and after the next couple of chapters this may well be the last we see of Tim- note, not the last we hear of him- but it's early, things could change! Hopefully these next couple of chapters will keep you guys going until I manage to update with our final parts which I promise will not be as long a wait as these have, but will most likely be early in the new year.  
If you remember Tim and Gibbs are in the middle of some pretty heavy conversation and emotions are running high. Gibbs is about to put on Tim a story that should hopefully change his perspective on his position in team Gibbs. I say hopefully because really, anything could happen, quite literally.  
Thanks for continuing to stick with Tim and me. If I don't get round to updating before hand I wish you all a very happy Christmas and a wonderful new year x **

Gibbs sat himself back against the boat, resting on the beams keeping it in place, Tim watching him intently, his eyes misty and slightly unfocused. Gibbs took a steadying breath and cast his mind back some thirteen years, giving Tim the time to take another drink while he gathered his thoughts. It surprised him, when he spoke, that his voice was so wobbly. Maybe he needed this just as much as Tim.

"Do you remember the day we first met?"

Tim nodded in response but stayed silent, his hand shaking some with nerves.

"We were called out to a case at Norfolk, Kate, Tony and I and, once we got there, you. I'd never worked with an agent so young before so I wasn't sure what to expect but I figured it would be nothing great, so when we got there to find you looking a little more than green I wasn't surprised. You were a newbie, a little shy, obviously bookish and I would have put money in DiNozzo's pool on you not being much help in the case. I liked to make a point of letting the probies know their place, in fact I liked to make a point of letting _everybody_ know their place so I was impressed when I got in your face and you didn't back off. You stood your ground, barely flinched where most agents older and more experienced would have balked. But being able to stand up to an ass like me doesn't make an agent, there was more to it than that. But I was curious as to why an agent as young and fiercely determined as you seemed to be was stuck behind a desk pushing papers instead of out on a team. There was something about you had me questioning why you had this unequivocal need to prove yourself. "

"So while Kate and I were busy hitting it off with the sub crew I had Ducky do some digging back home. Abby would have asked too many questions and was too loud to expect her to keep her mouth shut where Ducky was more than happy to keep it under wraps until I got back on dry land. According to Ducky, you were certainly smart, well educated, better educated than my entire team put together as a matter of fact, didn't have a bad mark against your name and yet here you were, working a desk at Norfolk. I checked up on your applications and all were still _in progress_ which after several weeks was basically code for _no thanks_. I mean I could see why, on paper you just seemed like this smart ass kid who didn't really have much experience and your ID photo didn't leave much to the imagination but having met you and seen you, there was something about you. Something about the way DiNozzo seemed to have immediately taken you in as part of the team, how even Kate was impressed by you and I'd be lying if I said it didn't drive me mad trying to get Morrow to approve a transfer. I'd never pushed for any agent before and I think that struck him most. I'd met you once and I knew there was something in you that even you couldn't see."

Gibbs took a breath while he sipped his drink and Tim watched him, confusion and curiosity clouding his features. Gibbs had never told anybody how hard he had pushed for Tim's assignment to the team, not Tony, not Kate, not even Ducky but now he had to because Tim needed to understand his place in Gibbs' life and just how much that meant to him.

"Tom didn't understand at first why I was so determined. He figured he had a number of adequate agents he could assign me if I really wanted, without approving a transfer from Norfolk, but I couldn't let up. Curiosity was going to send me the same way as the cat but after your date with Abby I called and I asked her about you, discretely, in a way that only maybe Ducky would have noticed I was fishing. Don't worry, she didn't say anything bad." Gibbs offered him a small smile which Tim returned only slightly. "But the things she did say had me wondering, so I pulled your file again and spent the night combing through every inch of it. You were highly praised by the people above you at Norfolk, even I had to admit that another thing that impressed me had been that your report was the first I'd never had to send back to be re-written. In it though I found the reason for your deep imbedded desire to prove your worth."

Tim's demeanour changed and Gibbs noticed immediately, the way he drew his eyes away from him and focused instead on continuing to drink.

 _My father._

"Your father." Gibbs continued. "Here was a kid who worked hard to protect the men and women of the navy, who took knock back after knock back from field teams, who had it drilled into him from a young age that he wasn't good enough, that being good at what he was good at wasn't good enough. And yet you didn't let it stop you, and I was glad because what you were good at was what made rule 5 repeat over and over in my head. If there was anything that was holding you back it was yourself. You had enormous potential you just couldn't see past the cloud of doubt drawn over you. Your father had beaten you down to believe that nothing you did was good enough despite the fact that you worked to protect that very people he was. You were willing to put your life on the line to protect those who put there's on the line for us and that is a very noble thing. I could see now why you had this look of determination in your eyes. Could see why you repeatedly applied to field teams for a permanent position despite never hearing back and yet I wouldn't have blamed you at all if you'd decided it wasn't worth it, if you'd given in to what your father thought of you. For what it's worth Tim, I'm incredibly glad you didn't."

"In all honesty, I didn't even know myself why I was standing in Tom's office arguing about why he should hire a probie I'd just met. It quite literally terrified me. I had nothing to go on but a file and a gut feeling and the briefest of conversations. I mean I'd solved cases on less. This was different though, this was choosing someone who would work with me and the rest of my crazy team, who would become an agent with them and if I had doubts, which I did, to how you would handle it, they were very much overshadowed by my determination to prove everyone wrong, to prove that you were a good agent and I had known it from the start and to show you yourself just how good you were. As it turned out you ended up _accidently_ integrating yourself with our team. I'd call it coincidence but you know how I feel about those, that and if I'm honest I don't believe it was anything but fate, and I'm not entirely convinced I believe in that either. There were so many things that were screaming at me to make sure you ended up on my team and it seemed the more I tried to ignore it the more you showed up. When it turned out you were involved in the case that Pacci had been working on I should have taken that as a sign. Then you went off back to Norfolk. And then you came back again, like a stray that you feed once and just keeps coming back for more, in the nicest possible way. I had you put on more TAD's than any other probationary agent and I think Tom realised it wasn't something that was just going to go away. After you helped out with the database for catching Ari I went to him and I told him there and then that I wasn't going to take no for an answer, that you wanted to be a full time field agent and I was willing to have you and take responsibility for you and that Tom would be a fool to say no. I think I probably pissed him off more then than I had my entire time working for him."

"I had been perfectly happy to accept you based on the little I'd seen before any of that anyway, something nagging in the back of my mind and my stomach that just wouldn't have gone away otherwise, but seeing you as actually part of the team made it a much easier decision. It already seemed like you were starting to find your footing. You were being teased and hazed relentlessly by Tony, had been already caught on the wrong side of Kate, had contested with Abby over certain ways to do things and put up with me longer than any other young agent ever had. That in itself was something to be proud of. You knew your place before you realised, you just fit. I had a team full of really good people but people who could learn something from you. That last case before you became officially part of the team, when you tracked that money all over the globe, improvised with how to hold off the bad guy, traced the money back to the real criminal, you made me realise just how much my team needed to have you. You gave us a chance to grow as a team, to understand and appreciate how important cyber and computers and technology actually is, to acknowledge that strength comes in many different forms, that being smart and being a good agent was one in the same and most importantly, that a team needed to have flaws."


	29. Chapter 29

"Don't you get it Tim?" Gibbs said to an exasperated looking Tim. "All you could see was the negatives, that you were never the person solely responsible for anything, that you were weak. Tim our weaknesses make us who we are. You came into a team that was burdened by them and that made me realise most greatly how flawed we were and yet how strong at the same time, because in a team one person's weakness is complimented by another's strength. You filled a void that no one ever realised was there because no one had taken the time to appreciate it. You think so highly of Tony and Kate and Ziva and me and everyone else but never yourself, even before when you wouldn't put your name into a sentence. You have done just as much as we have, dealt with and overcome just as much as we have, experienced just as much loss and tragedy as we have and at times taken it with more grace and respect and dignity than any one of us. You are just as strong and important and significant as everyone else in my life and you don't understand just the affect you had."

"You changed me too. Changed my thought on probies, on tech nerds, made me realise there was more to an agent than being able to run fast and shoot a gun, made me more aware of what a team needed, that different people with different skills could come together and work together and when they did it was a beautiful thing. You made me realise that everyone has flaws but in a team you counteract that, you have a diverse group of people that can pick up the slack where someone might fall and vice versa. A team is more than just a couple of tough, gun wielding, burly men and women that are smart and good at profiling as well as kicking ass, that there can be a softer edge and that in bringing that into the team others learn from it. The jovial, cocky womanizer can suddenly have more respect for technology and the people of the cyber world as well as for people in general. A single female, kick ass profiler in a group of men can appreciate having someone other than themselves that is picked at and learn that smart comes in different forms and that not every guy is a jerk. A trained assassin can realise the importance of understanding your limits and how far you can push them as well as accepting your strengths for what they are. The very guy who comes into the team nervous and unsure of himself can discover how strong he really is and the strength it takes to be the person he is. And a grumpy old timer can realise that the young blood needed in his team can actually teach him new tricks, whether he wants to learn them or not."

Tim's eyes were red and puffy and Gibbs' own wet with tears. He could see the disbelief in Tim's eyes, the uncertainty and the want to believe every word he said, the innate self-doubt making it difficult.

"I told Tony once he was irreplaceable. Truth is, no one is expendable. People can be replaced, people can take over, take another agent's place in a team but never in someone's heart. You never fully believed in yourself, I never showed you that I did, that was on me. The first time we ran into your father and he was there, smug and asking questions over your pitiful government job pushing papers to keep him safe I don't think I've ever been as angry. The only thing I can compare it to was when Senior was an ass to Tony. That one man could be responsible for your entire state of mind, it sickened me, but it also made me realise how careful I was being, how maybe too careful and yet I still did nothing about it. I should have told you a long time ago how proud I am of you Tim. I haven't and I'm sorry. In my mind you needed to figure out your worth on your own but I should never have been a reason you ever doubted it."

Tim was silent a long while after Gibbs stopped talking, both sitting with bourbon between their fingers, Tim attempting to digest Gibbs' words and Gibbs attempting to not stop him from doing so by interjecting anymore. Tim had been still longer than Gibbs deemed acceptable before he cleared his throat and his face of stray tears.

"All this time. I just thought you didn't get me. I didn't know you had pushed so hard for my place. I knew you'd questioned Abby, she told me, but I didn't have any clue. You went with your gut."

Gibbs nodded slowly, worrying for a second that Tim was going to fly into a fit of rage or break down in tears. He was knocked backwards against the boat when Tim flew into him seconds later in a hug. He let go quickly, looking uncomfortably to the floor but Gibbs' face broke into a smile and he reached to brush the last tear from his cheek and ruffle his hair lightly, as best he could given the varying height. The one single moment of embrace between the two of them seemed to have cemented something in his heart.

Tim's own smile vanished, replaced by a more sombre expression as he remembered the very thing he had been intending on telling Gibbs from the beginning. Impending conversation brushed aside for a minute, he shuffled nervously on his feet and an air of awkwardness and uncertainty returned to the room. Gibbs was patient, something he felt he hadn't been in a long time.

"It's been a long hard few months."

"That it has." Gibbs nodded after a pause.

"So I'm going to take some time. Couple weeks, spend some time making things up to Delilah, I think I owe her that after all the crap I've been giving her. Tony's offered me a night or two at his place as well, two men and a ninja baby I think he advertised it as. I think he's missing adult company."

"I don't doubt that." Gibbs chuckled softly. "Take as long as you need Tim. We'll still be here when you get back, job isn't going anywhere."

Tim nodded.

"And despite the B I've been well and truly living up to recently, my door is always open, quite literally."

"I appreciate it Gibbs."

His eyes were still stinging and the power of Gibbs' speech made his heart ache a little but they needn't say anything more about the story Gibbs had just relayed to him. Neither one would mention it and neither one had to. They were silently agreeing on drawing a line over the last few months, understanding that their ways of dealing with things wasn't that unlike and that if all the other needed was a quiet room and comfortable silence then they had it, no questions asked. Tim had a greater understanding of Gibbs' actions, and inactions. He respected him above all else, despite everything, and Gibbs respected Tim all the same in return. Everything from the second Grace walked into the squadroom had been out of concern for the other, Tim's concern for Gibbs and Gibbs' concern for Tim, both just had very different ways of showing it. Tim had never fully felt he fit into a place in Gibbs' life until now. He had always been full of uncertainty and insecurity and that had no doubt come from his father. Tim couldn't deny that, no matter how he and his father had ended things, there had always been that nagging at the back of his head that he was never good enough. They had resolved their differences to an extent but mostly it had left Tim with more questions than answers. This time though, with Gibbs, he had avoided the tiptoeing around the subject and they had gotten to the very heart of the matter and how Gibbs had opened up in a way Tim had never seen in an attempt to show Tim where he sat meant maybe Tim could perhaps try to close a door on the demons that plagued his head over it. There was much left unsaid, that was obvious, but the silence too spoke a thousand words. He wasn't Tony and he didn't need to be because Gibbs had never needed him to be anything but Tim. That Gibbs was willing to confide so much emotion in him to prove it reassured Tim of that.

"I'm going back to Grace. I think I have plenty of my own to sort out. I got a little way there with Taft, I think I owe it to him to try harder after how much he fought to get Grace onto me. I owe you the decency of knowing when I need to help myself."

"Owe it to yourself before anyone else, otherwise why do it at all."

Gibbs closed his eyes and nodded.

"She's good Gibbs, she's good for you. A little on the obsessive side but still good."

Gibbs hid a smile.

"She knows too much, makes her good at what she does and good when it comes to guys like me."

"And me apparently."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow.

"You know she'll be a nightmare because of all of this?"

"I'm willing to try. Tony used to have a therapist. I don't suppose it could hurt."

"She is good. Even if she does break more than one rule to do it."

Both took a sip of bourbon, emptying their glasses and met the other's eyes as they lowered them.

"If it's anything, I am still sorry Tim."

Tim smirked. The last few months had still happened, they had still been at loggerheads, fought- sometimes silently- against each other, made mistakes and tried to go about resolving things in every way but the right one. He was still tempted by the idea of drowning his sorrows in the bar a few blocks away, still felt an ache in his heart every time he thought of Ziva, still struggled to keep composed every time Gibbs' words reverberated around his skull. He was still struggling, still hurting but now he understood that Gibbs was too and that if Gibbs could admit that out loud to a shrink, then maybe he could too. This time he accepted the apology willingly because he had to, for his sake more than Gibbs'.

"I know Gibbs, me too."


	30. Chapter 30

**So, it has been a while! Life has gotten in the way of writing for a long while but I was determined to bring our story to a close. The only thing that frustrates me is that I've not written as much of Tim in these last 2 chapters as I would have liked but hey, he's got things to sort out so maybe we should leave him be a while. I'm uploading the final chapters together and wrapping up with some wise words and hopefully some closure for both Tim and Gibbs. Thanks everyone who has been on this whirlwind of a journey, for reading and reviewing, it's been fun and hopefully we'll do it again soon! ...**

Fall had well and truly settled in, with winter fast approaching, bringing with it changes in the leaves and the crispness of the air. This day it was unusually warm for the time of year, the sun breaking through the clouds mid-morning to reveal a pleasant glow amongst a light breeze; it was much different to the wet and windy weather they'd experienced the last few weeks.

Gibbs was sipping coffee by the tree, absentmindedly watching a bird hop from branch to branch. It was still very small, in the early stages of its growth and not much taller than Tali but he thanked Vance for having gotten a tree that would last through the winter, Abby would be enthralled by the idea of trussing it up for Christmas. He was snapped out of his trance by the laugh carrying on the breeze. Tali was perched on Tony's shoulders, giggling at nothing in particular while Kelev bounced against his head as they made their way towards Gibbs. On spotting him Tali immediately demanded to be let down and ran full pelt into him.

"Grampa." She grinned up.

Gibbs smiled, his first genuine smile of the day and breathed a heavy sigh of relief for the wonderful ball of light they had.

"Heya Tal." He bent down to scoop her up, dropping a kiss to her head as he did.

He swapped a grin with Tony as he met them and quickly turned his attention to the tree. It was the first time he had seen it since they arrived, Abby had told him all about it, but between playdates and unpacking and a whole host of other adulty things he hadn't had five minutes to spare to visit it- that and he had also been partly reluctant to see it.

"I think she'd like it."

"It was Vance's idea."

"I know, Abby told me. Thoughtful of him."

"I think he wanted to give everyone somewhere to go, and something for NCIS to remember her."

Tony nodded his approval as he glanced over the array of items under the tree, his throat tightening at Gibbs' handiwork and the pictures Abby had left, them beginning to fade a little due to the weather. He was glad it was somewhat protected from the brunt of it because it would be a shame for the snow to ruin it.

"I heard you had a playdate with Palmer." Gibbs distracted him from his thoughts.

Tony grinned and brushed Tali's hair behind her ear.

"Oh yeah, it was pretty interesting. Tali had lots of fun playing with Tori though didn't you?" Tony smiled and Tali nodded her head in reply. "They are quite the double act and Jim is such a good Dad, he's teaching me a lot."

"You'll learn as you go."

"Well Palmer definitely learned something about not letting two-year-olds near paint."

Gibbs laughed, shaking his head.

"It wasn't too bad until they decided to finger-paint on the doorframe."

"Kids will be kids."

"So we discovered. That, and Palmer's living room would not suit a blue carpet."

Gibbs smiled and turned to watch Tali follow the same bird he'd been watching earlier.

"You seen much of Tim?"

"A little, he's been spending a lot of his time with Delilah, he's feeling guilty for being a jerk the last few months, even though she's told him he doesn't need to. We went out for lunch with them both last week, we've met up a few times with Tal since Delilah's gone back to work, and I met up with him for dinner two nights ago, my Dad took Tali to their place and he and Delilah watched her while we were out."

"How is he?"

"He's better, he's getting there. He's tough Gibbs."

Gibbs nodded in silence and watched Tony's eyes roam the tree again.

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since Tim had found himself at the mercy of Gibbs' basement. Two weeks since Gibbs had bared more of his heart then he wanted to, and still not quite enough at the same time. Two weeks since Tim realised that there had never been a question of his position in team, at least not by anyone but himself. In those two weeks Tim had taken the time to eat breakfast, go to the movies, reconnect with his family and go for walks with his new best friend Tali. Gibbs had, in those weeks, realised just how much Tim was needed on the team and how much he thoroughly missed him when he wasn't around, though he didn't begrudge him the time he so clearly needed. He had called a few times but worried he was cutting into time Tim should be spending with his pregnant fiancé and his returning brother and niece. Truth was, Gibbs hoped he and Tim would have all the time in the world. For now, he just wanted him happy and healthy and anything else was a bonus, and when he did return to work Gibbs would make sure Tim would not forget his place again in a hurry. They were family and he was prepared to do anything it took to prove that to him.

For now Tim was drinking less, eating more, sleeping pretty much the same, but his mood had lifted so much so that it was barely possible to remember the time before- the dent in the wall of his spare room serving as the only firm reminder. He was far from fine, but he was better and that was what he was now striving for. Not normal, but simply better. Delilah had taken one week leave but had gone back to work afterwards, worrying about Tim's state of mind once he was left alone once more, but Tony had more than made up for his time away. Not wanting to be overbearing, he had made cautious plans every visit for the next few days, Tim picking up on his attempt at being subtle about it, but had nonetheless seen Tim every other day since he had been back. With Delilah working, they had spent the time bonding, taking Tali to the cinema, to the park, to anywhere they could think of, and their only worry was that people might start thinking they were a couple with the amount of time they were spending together.

"Abby was here earlier."

"I guessed." Tony indicated to the single black rose with a smile.

"Palmer and Ducky came with her, Leon too, Bishop and Reeves came down just after them."

Tony nodded soberly before flashing Gibbs a cheeky grin.

"So, Bish and Reeves, that's um, interesting." He raised an eyebrow.

Gibbs smirked and shook his head.

"I am staying well out of it. Who am I to stop two people being together. I should've realised that a long time ago." He sighed.

Tony glanced over to Tali before he took a long, contemplative look at the tree.

"It was never about the rule Gibbs, we were just, us."

Silence fell back again. Tali had grown bored of the bird and was playing with the topmost button on Gibbs' shirt.

"The tree really is a beautiful touch." Tony smiled sadly.

Tony took a long pause, Gibbs sensed his need to ask another question and so stayed silent while Tony contemplated his next sentence.

"Gibbs, this is gunna sound strange, but I feel like you of all people would understand. You know sometimes I get this feeling, like she's still here, like she's standing next to me, watching me, rolling her eyes when I give Tali ice cream even though she didn't finish her dinner or smiling when I tell her stories of ninjas who save the world. I don't know, I just, it's like she's here with me."

Gibbs looked to him carefully.

"Maybe because she is with you Tony. In your heart, in your head, in Tali. She'll always be with you, she's with all of us." Gibbs paused while Tony brushed his hand over his eyes. "I get the same feeling. Every time in the last four months when I've yelled at Tim for nothing in particular, when I've headslapped him when it wasn't necessary, when I've drown myself in bourbon trying to forget, I feel like she's standing there glaring at me, and then smirking at me when she realises she's caught me out."

Tony let out a low breath.

"She wanted to change you know. Live a good life, be a good person. She wanted to be everything she thought she had never been, she wanted to do it for you. She told me, the last time we talked before we went to the airport, she said, I need to do this because what would I be without Gibbs, without NCIS? I would probably be dead, and I would have lived no life worthy of it. I will be better, for him, for you, for me. This world makes martyrs of us all Tony, the only comfort is when we get to choose when to be such."

It was almost scripted, like he had memorised her words and repeated them over and over to himself. Gibbs could feel the lump in his throat and blinked back his own threatening tears.

"And what do you think?"

"I think it's a wonderful thought." He breathed.

For what part he believed wonderful Gibbs didn't know, nor did he think he wanted to know. Maybe that she was changing her life for herself as well as them, maybe that she believed there was a choice in sacrifice, maybe that they had saved her. He said nothing more and Gibbs didn't push him.

"You gotta believe what you gotta believe."

Tony smiled at the words and shook himself free of the sobering thoughts. His eyes came to rest immediately on Tali who was trying to button Gibbs' shirt to the very top.

Out the corner of his eye Gibbs spotted her waiting by the news stand.

"I have to go, few things to take care of."

Tony nodded and reached for Tali who allowed Gibbs to press a kiss to her forehead and giggled.

"See ya kid." He winked.

Free of the little girl, he knelt on one knee to add his own personal touch to the growing pile at the base of the tree.

He whispered so quietly it was barely a sound. "Happy Birthday, kid."

As he stood he noticed the glint in Tony's eye and gently squeezed the nape of his neck, whispering something in his ear and giving his hair a quick ruffle before he walked away.

As he reached her he noticed the smile on her face. He'd already made his mind up about how he was going to react before he'd seen her so he gritted his teeth in anticipation.


	31. Chapter 31

"You know, some might call it stalking."

"Some might call it necessary."

"What do you want?"

"To talk?"

"Hmmf, done enough of that already."

"Five minutes Gibbs, that's all I want."

"For now."

"Yeah, it'll do."

"For now?"

"Can you just stop being a pain in the ass for five seconds."

He fixed her with a stare but complied. They stood facing each other in silence until he spoke.

"We use this tactic too you know."

"What tactic is that."

"Sit in silence until the suspect gets too uncomfortable they start blabbing."

"You're not a suspect."

"And you're not interrogating me. Or are you?"

"Intervention is what I think they call it." She'd cast him a wry smile.

"That what this all was?"

"I don't know what you're talking about Gibbs."

"Yeah, sure you don't." Gibbs scoffed.

"Something had to give Gibbs , you know it went too far between the two of you, someone had to do something."

"So I suppose it was your idea?"

"Did it work?" Gibbs sniffed and Grace smiled knowingly before dropping back to her serious expression. "This isn't about that."

"I know."

He had walked out of his most recent counselling session just thirteen minutes in. He had been trying, as much for Tim and the team's sake as his own but the second Kelly and Ziva's names had been mentioned in the same sentence he had refused to take it anymore, especially not from someone how was barely old enough to be out of college let alone deciding his mental state.

"So? It-"

"It's not the same." He cut over before she spoke anymore, without conviction this time.

"You said that, not me. Though you don't seem so sure anymore."

"Damn head shrinkers to thank for that." He shoved his hands into his pockets and nudged at a rock with his toe, Grace smiled at the boyishness of his attitude.

"That's my job."

"She wasn't her." He spoke softer.

"I never said she was."

"I know." He turned to watch Tony as he knelt beside Tali who placed something at the bottom of the tree and he kissed her head. "She wasn't Kelly, but she was Ziva."

Grace smiled in understanding.

"I can't say it surprised me, to be honest I'm surprised you let it go on this long, although I must say, to drag it out so that you only end up with four sessions under your belt after almost two months is pretty impressive. I thought you'd be gone much sooner."

Gibbs cast her a knowing glance and forced himself not to smile.

"You're good Grace Confalone, maybe you do know me better than I know myself."

"Damn right I do, you think I don't know you were just deliberately being an ass too? And its _Doctor_ Grace Confalone to you Popeye."

Gibbs grinned and shook his head.

"So, when's our next session?"

"Whenever you're ready Gibbs." She smiled. "No pressure, not yet anyway, though I highly doubt you're not going to show now."

"I suppose you're going to want me to actually talk too?"

"Oh no, I always prefer the silence to your annoying drawl, though it does help sometimes when you say proper words instead of forcing me to use my psychic powers."

Gibbs smirked.

"Sorry Doc, I thought you enjoyed the challenge." He shrugged.

"Oh there's a challenge and then there's you Leroy Jethro Gibbs."

Gibbs smirked in spite of himself.

"I hear things with Tim are better?"

"Yeah?" Gibbs turned and stared at her. "Where'd you hear that?"

"I have my sources." She smiled.

 _*** Grace stood at the top of the stairs, the basement door ajar while she listened. She heard the chink of glasses and Tim's almost contented sigh before Gibbs questioned him about Delilah. Their conversation was like none she had heard between them in the last 4 months, light, sincere, familiar. It warmed her a little inside. ***_

"For what it's worth, I'm really glad."

"Yeah, me too. I think I lost it for a little while there."

"Lost what?"

"My head, my family, my love for Tim." Gibbs shrugged. "Myself, I could go on."

Grace smiled a little.

"What's so funny?" He frowned.

"Funny? Nothing. But do you realise what you've just done? You've just spoken honestly about yourself for the first time in, gosh, a real long time Gibbs."

Gibbs bowed his head in thanks but turned back around when Grace nudged him in the direction of Tony and Tali. Tony had just placed something else under the tree and pressed his hand to the bark before he stood up, Tali close to his chest and headed off in the direction he had came.

"You ever need a reason Gibbs, that there is it. Those two and the rest of your crazy, thrown-together family."

Gibbs sighed heavily.

"It's her birthday."

"I know." Grace nodded and smiled sadly at the father and child.

Gibbs nodded and spun back to face her, shaking himself out of the fog and offering her his arm.

"Coffee, _Doctor_ Confalone?"

She took his arm and nodded.

"Why I thought you'd never ask _Agent_ Gibbs."

Grace recalled something she'd overheard Gibbs say once: Rule 10- Never get personally involved in a case. Sound advice and one she should probably have taken. She had done all she could to integrate herself into his life but in fairness she'd had good reason. Never before had she hunted down a patient and forced them into counselling, interfered in the lives of their colleagues and pushed as hard as she had with Gibbs. But she had been personally involved from the beginning, ever since Taft had mentioned him to her and asked if she could help. She was doing him a favour and found that in doing that favour she had been inadvertently pulled into the very messy world that surrounded Agent Gibbs. Her main cause was to help; help him, help Tim, help both of them and the team in the process, though why she felt so strongly about it she didn't know. Gibbs wasn't just any other patient of hers, he was Gibbs, he who had suffered almost more than anyone she'd spoken to before, had suffered so much loss and trauma that she was amazed he was still standing and hadn't ever been through therapy before. He was strong, she didn't doubt that, and he was stubborn, more so than anyone she knew, but it was all self-preservation and whether it worked for him or not it didn't have such a positive impact on the rest of his team.

She'd owed it to them, and to Taft, and to Tim, to try and get through to him. She wasn't one to cave when things got tough, but then neither was Gibbs. That everything had worked out she was a blessing. Tony had returned with that little bundle of joy that was Tali, Delilah and Tim were better than ever and Tim and Gibbs had resolved their differences, to an extent, and well enough so that they had bonded, understood each other more. Tim now understood that Gibbs didn't think any less of him, didn't love him any less than the others, didn't think him useless and a disappointment- Gibbs loved him, every flaw and every attribute. Gibbs had realised that in attempting to keep Tim close he'd almost cause himself yet another loss, the loss of the son that never seemed to quite realise how brilliant he was, that he probably never told enough he was proud of, one that had been through as much hell as the rest of them and never showed it. Tim loved him, respected him and had it not been for Tim, he would not still be standing. There was that other thing: Rule 8- Never take anything for granted.

Gibbs owed it to them all to get this right this time, and she saw it in his eyes as he asked for her to schedule their next session as soon as possible, heard it in his voice as he said sorry for being an ass, and she knew when he showed up to their session prompt and spoke in great detail about how much he had struggled with Ziva's death. When he told her just how much he had struggled with Tony leaving, how Tim had picked up the pieces, and the job, without a second thought, and how he had realised he had taken all of his pent up emotion out on Tim. When he told her how he had felt so guilty for everything, ZIva, Tony, Tim, how he had tried to cover it up by being angry instead and how he had almost felt like he couldn't breathe when he'd seen Tim standing in his basement looking so absolutely lost and broken. All of it showed her that Gibbs was taking the first step in the right direction and that in it all, Tim would be his Saving Grace.

And what was that last one? Rule 11- When the job is done, walk away.


End file.
